Also Starring a Juggling Elvis Impersonator on a Unicycle Who Plays Spoons

Next time you’re in Vegas, check out the hottest show in town: Wowie-Zowie! now showing nightly at the Schlockadero Hotel/Casino, just off the Las Vegas Strip (via 12-mile dirt side road)! Starring Vegas’ cutest showgirls and funniest animal performers (due to budget cuts, combined into one act)!

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“He wanted to be fruit salad so bad,” says Redditor _ByTeMe_.

First, We Wear Our Scrunchies…

… and then we eat our munchie-crunchies! OM NOM NOM NOM

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“Their ears kept getting in their food,” explains Redditor Bigfoots cousin.

That’s Bucking Insane

I never really felt like a dog, y’know? Even when I was a pony — I mean, a puppy, I knew something wasn’t right. I was really a horse trapped in a dog’s body: A bronco — a bucking bronco, the one in the herd no cowboy could tame. I’d stand alone at the top of a hill, my mane blowing in the wind, staring down each new recruit like a challenge: You think you got what it takes, cowpoke? Well, saddle up and hang on! Heeyah! Yip! Yip!

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Via Artis Pupins.

Why, Mr. Callis, You Imprudent Scoundrel…

You of all people should know better than to violate the sanctity of a lady’s boudoir without so much as knocking. But as long as you’re here…

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Via Chill Wildlife and sender-inner Arne.

You Are Too Late, Mr. Bond…

Even now, as we chat amicably, my elite army of female ninja cyber-assassins is pouring my secret hypno-toxin formula into the world’s orange juice supply. After breakfast tomorrow, every orange juice drinker on Earth will be my helpless slave, and world domination shall be mine! Mine! MINE!

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Via Stephan Kareth.

I’m Just Taking a Break

A carefree boy, a reckless lad, my day was off and running,
But oh! the bang-up wreck I had, I never saw it coming
So now I sit and convalesce, my joyful style is hampered
But I’m kept comfy while I rest; my human keeps me pampered
So pity me not, o kindly friend, this sorry state won’t last
Sometimes when you cast fate to wind, your fate’s to wind up in a cast.

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“A bad night, but you’ll be playing very soon!” says Flickr-er Julio Roman Fariñas.

You Put de Lime in de Koo-Koo Pup

In the manner of a tune you oldsters may remember, here’s a boxer having a nice time with a lime, until… CITRUS ATTACK! WHEEP! WHEEP! Here’s a tip, pup: Those things are much better con cerveza.

I Got It… I Got It… I Got It…

… um, I don’t got it.

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Eh, It’s Just a Theory

As she stared up at the squirrel, she realized that the time had come to reconsider many of her deeply-held beliefs on the subject of gravity…

Caprica vs Squirrel

Sender-inner Robin J. writes: “This is my mini doxie, Caprica, having a standoff with a squirrel in my backyard. The squirrel wants to get off the tree so he can scoop up all the seeds the birds drop from the feeder hanging above. Caprica is not having any of it!”

C.O. Hiking Safety Tips

Hiking in the great outdoors can be a fun and rewarding activity. However, Nature is full of scary things that will totally eat you, so follow these tips:

  1. Remain on trails at all times.
  2. Do not disturb rocks, fallen trees, or remains of crashed UFOs.
  3. If you encounter hikers with a pronounced interest in chainsaws, hockey masks, or banjo music, notify authorities.
  4. For added protection, consider bringing a very large dog.

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Via Reddit.

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