Hey, it Worked in that Pixar Movie

Day 4: Still not floating. Felt momentarily lighter, but that turned out to be just gas. Will continue experiments tomorrow with more balloons.

Curtis S. tells us: “This tortoise lives at a pet supply store called Animal Kingdom in Brewster, NY. His name is Turbo and he’s allowed to wander the store with balloons attached so everyone knows his location. He’s very sweet.”

And Now, a Few Quick Impressions

First up, I’d like to do my impression of a chicken… Thank you.

Next, I’d like to do Piers Morgan trying to interview a chicken, but finding it hard to get a word in edgewise… Thank you, thank you very much.

And finally, you know those ancient monks who used to take vows of silence? You ever wonder what would happen if one of them got into a frank exchange of views with a chicken? I think it might go something like this…

Visiting Hours

“… and they keep hiding his cigarettes, but Grandpa finds them every time. Oh, and Stacy and that boy from the DQ had a fight, and now she’s not going to the junior prom. But the good news is, Mom says if you make parole in June, that nice Mr. Ferguson will give you your old job back.”


Via Tumblr.

I’m Not As Think As You Drunk I Am!

Now, give me back my keys. I can totally mess you up.

Good times You Tube user abhishek72457!

Meanwhile, at Dr. Sherman Kelfloffer’s Holistic Poolside Dental Clinic…

“… and that’s when my daughter, apropos of nothing (wider, please), announces she’s going out trash-can tipping with some boy from college (hold still, thanks) I’ve never even met! Well, I tore into her… say, you’ve stopped flossing, haven’t you?”

And They Spent Their Honeymoon Swimming up Niagara Falls

From the archives of Everything Is Terrible comes the uplifting climax to Zeus and Roxanne, offering up these enduring truths: Dolphins uphold the sanctity of marriage, dogs look great in bow ties, and Steve Guttenburg was in a lot of movies.

And Now, Here’s Yakov Smirnoff to Tell That One Joke He Knows

America, what a country! Your rich people, like the Paris Hilton, I always am seeing them carry tiny little dogs. In Russia, tiny little dog carry you!

Does Your Cat Food Stack Up?

It will if you serve Stack’n Snacks, for a balanced meal in every sense of the word.

Conga-Leecking!

OK, so then this happened…

Up Next: Whooping Cranes Who Look Like David Tennant

An excerpt from Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch: A Visual Examination by Red Scharlach.