What’s Cooking?

“Aw, youse ladies should not have to see this. Breaks me tender heart, it does. Poor Gertrude, cut down in the prime of her years, and for what? Shake ‘n Bake! Ain’t no justice in this world, is there, Charlie?”

“That’s right! They won’t even share — er, I mean they don’t even care!”

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Dating Tips for Dogs!

So, you think you’re ready for a whirlwind night on the town with the lady of your dreams? Well, slo-ho-ho-ow down there, buckaroo, because it’s time to learn some basic dating etiquette!

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Tip number one: Take a bath! That “guess what I just rolled in” odor may impress your drinking buddies, but one whiff from your lady friend, and she’ll hand you a one-way ticket to the friend zone!

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Ahh, that’s better! Now it’s time to learn the art of dinner conversation. Make sure you hold her attention by steering the conversation to topics that might interest her:

  • Romantic movies
  • Romantic books
  • Romantic View-Master slides
  • Austrian vs. Keynesian Economic Theory: Which Is More Romantic?

But avoid these topics at all cost!

  • Demolition derby
  • Belt sanders you have owned
  • That thing you rolled in

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Max is quite the ladies pup, Tracey M.!

Porkour

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.

… and this little piggy went boing-boing roll-roll tumble-thud I-meant-to-do-that all the way over her big brother.

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Jurassic Blorp

As part of the recent 20th-anniversary remastered ultimate platinum fanboy-shakedown special edition of Jurassic Park, a bonus disc featured a version of the film with puppies in place of dinosaurs. A brief sampling:

Via Daily Dot.

E.T. The Extra-terrier-estrial

The heartwarming story of a boy named Elliot, who befriends a strange alien visitor from the Dog Star and must return him to his ship while evading the shadowy agents of the Animal Control Department.

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“Looked after my sisters dog this week. Emailed her a photo to show she was in good hands,” says Redditor mutemut.

And Now, a Message from the Tongue

Hello there. While my owner is asleep, I’d like to address some misconceptions people have about us tongues. People think it’s all cute in here, but it’s hot and gooey and tastes like dog!

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So when you see him panting? That’s us trying to escape. Not for good, just for a little while — get out, dry off, get some sun. Is that too much to ask?

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From faithful reader/sender-inner Momo H.: “Hello from TAIWAN! I would like to introduce NiuNiu to the wonderful CO world, She is a 7 year old french bulldog seized during a puppymill raid by the Taiwan SPCA. From a dog who first jerked at any hoomin touch, to a dog that was confident, bootful and loved. But one thing remained constant from day one, she just can’t seem to get that tongue contained!”

 

Behold, the Fearsome Vampire Bat!

Hanging from the ceiling of its subterranean lair, eyeing the unwary spelunker with diabolical intent, the wily vampire bat patiently awaits his moment to strike. Then all at once it spreads its leathery wings and, guided by its uncanny radar, plunges toward the inviting exposed neck of its helpless victim and… begs for a dog yummy?

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“His name is Frazil. He’s a Siberian Husky. His parents are both Iditarod finishers,” says Melissa B.

 

Ya Got Me!

So we meet at last, you no-good, horse-theiving, cattle-rustling, bottom-of-the-deck-dealing, double-parking, library-book-not-returning, generally-not-very-good-thing-doing yellow-bellied sidewinding rammel-frazzitz! KABLAM!

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Girl, Interrupted

In a dog’s life, timing is everything. For example, when you want to play fetch, don’t choose a time when your human is impersonating a pretzel.

The Adventures of Nash Splashdown, Space Explorer!

Stardate 5123.6: Have landed on uncharted planet. Sensors show breathable atmosphere, with high levels of chlorine. A pair of nearby life forms are engaged in a ritual chant to their gods “Marco” and “Polo.” Will observe discreetly before attempting first contact. Setting phasers on “bite”…

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“He hates to swim, but he loves his floaty!” says Redditor Sneaky_Giraffes.

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