… and now Captain Feisty tries to pin The Spotted Dynamo… perfectly-executed leg hold there, but the Dynamo refuses to budge… and now he’s going for the face hold! Definitely saw some biting there, I think the referee missed… WHOA! Decisive smackdown by the Spotted Dynamo! And this — match — is — over, ladies and gentlemen!
Here in our Paw Pad Proving Grounds, every set of paw pads undergoes rigorous tests to ensure braking ability — for your safety and comfort!
Using stolen cutlery from the mess hall, we quietly dug a tunnel from kennel 13. It was going pretty well; by late August we had completed nearly two miles, complete with lights, a makeshift rail track, three stations, twelve turnstiles, and a Starbucks. However, we suffered a setback when we accidentally surfaced in the cat camp next door…
“My dog chillin in his hole,” explains Redditor teach_me_how_to_data.
“… and so Mrs. Wiggles, that’s that nice Schnauzer I see on Thursdays, well she won’t let her puppies play with the Robinson’s puppies across the street anymore since Mr. Robinson flipped out and bit the mailman. And the dogs in that house aren’t very well behaved, either, I can tell you!”
“He loves getting his nails done,” says Redditor shazolin.
You awaken just before noon. Blades of light slice through the gauzy haze as you piece together the evening’s revelries. There were balloons and alcohol, karaoke and alcohol, arson and alcohol, plus Mr. MacGroot from Accounting brought his bagpipes. Somehow, you staggered home and collapsed — and that’s when it happened. Your chin disappeared halfway into your head, your eyes and ears now point in different directions, and you realize your night of abandon has left you with a case — of Bed Face.
But you’ll notice I’m not so surprised that I can’t catch it again! I’m that cool.
“Aw, youse ladies should not have to see this. Breaks me tender heart, it does. Poor Gertrude, cut down in the prime of her years, and for what? Shake ‘n Bake! Ain’t no justice in this world, is there, Charlie?”
“That’s right! They won’t even share — er, I mean they don’t even care!”
So, you think you’re ready for a whirlwind night on the town with the lady of your dreams? Well, slo-ho-ho-ow down there, buckaroo, because it’s time to learn some basic dating etiquette!
Tip number one: Take a bath! That “guess what I just rolled in” odor may impress your drinking buddies, but one whiff from your lady friend, and she’ll hand you a one-way ticket to the friend zone!
Ahh, that’s better! Now it’s time to learn the art of dinner conversation. Make sure you hold her attention by steering the conversation to topics that might interest her:
- Romantic movies
- Romantic books
- Romantic View-Master slides
- Austrian vs. Keynesian Economic Theory: Which Is More Romantic?
But avoid these topics at all cost!
- Demolition derby
- Belt sanders you have owned
- That thing you rolled in
Max is quite the ladies pup, Tracey M.!
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
… and this little piggy went boing-boing roll-roll tumble-thud I-meant-to-do-that all the way over her big brother.