What If I’ve Been Naughty?

I have some concerns that presents may not be forthcoming.

Tamara R. says, “Maxwell is our pride and joy. We rescued him. He is now 
a very happy little guy. He is eleven weeks old here. Photo courtesy of 
me, his proud owner.” Oh, Maxwell, there will be presents.


Oh, Behave!

[blowing keeses] Yoo hooooo! [shows a leetle leg] There’s lots more where that came from! [sing song]
I promeese I wont bite …hard. (Rawrr!)

Flaunt your gams, Polar Bear Porn.

Police Blotter for 9/30/2012

2:23 PM: Officers arrived at library to find Mrs. Elsie Flanwhacker shredding magazines she said promoted “immoral hairstyles.” Officers served her with warrant for past shredding offenses, which she shredded. En route to lockup, Mrs. Flanwhacker shredded back seat of patrol car. During booking, Mrs. Flanwhacker shredded the ledger, the duty roster, and Sgt. Spinetti’s dress uniform. She then refused to sign confession. Which she shredded.

You bring shame upon us all, Mrs. Flanwhacker.

Friday Haiku: Call Scotland Yard

Do something before

Cat the Ripper strikes again

We’re safe, he’s wiped out

That’s how he rolls, Cranberrycocktail

It Was the Duck, I Tell You!

You gotta believe me! There he was, thrashing your favorite sofa! Well, I wasn’t about to let him get away with that, so I grab the phone book, and start pounding him! But then, outta nowhere, he pulls out this weed whacker and shreds it! It was all I could do to get it away from him, too! I’m, ah, sure it’s here somewhere…

The Misadventures of Cantaloupe!

Cantaloupe! Destroyer of desktops!
Pilferer of plush ponies!
Cantaloupe! Naughty nosher of nutritious nuts!
Cantaloupe! Calamitous copper of cleverly-crafted cloth cactii!




You Know You’re Having a Bad Day When

You eat your own homework from the Obedience School.

Sender-Inner Linsey tells us, “This is our puppy, Augustus Pullo (or Gus, as we mostly call him). He is a pekingese-chihuahua mix, also called a pekachu.”

Honestly, What’s the Big Deal?

I mean, it’s not like we ever see you actually use the yellow pages anymore. You have that beep-boop-beep magic screen on your desk for that now. And you haven’t needed a booster seat for the kids since the youngest entered middle school. So what are you yelling and screaming about? Sheesh!

“My dearly departed phonebook. My dogs Keaton and Grady. I guess they were bored.” says Kristin W. And when animals get bored, Rule 32 gets busy.

Groom for Improvement

… and do you, Ken, take Genevieve to be your wife, in sickness and in health, for richer or more richer, to honor and obey, to squeegee the shower door without having to be reminded, to sit through weepy costume dramas even during the playoffs, to wait quietly at the shoe store without squirming, to act unimpressed when a Victoria’s Secret commercial comes on, for as long as you both shall live?

Then, by the authority vested in me, I pronounce you…

… ah, as a general rule, we would prefer you wait until after the ceremony…

I give it six months, Kristen L.

Knickers in a Twist

Peggy Sue’s mum was NOT impressed when her daughter revealed herself as the Twister grand champion.

That’s one way to drawers our attention, Klara S.!