Big Budgie Is Watching You

“You were not at the Two Minutes’ Whap this afternoon,” said the voice on the telescreen. “Are you unwell?” Winston felt a knot of dread form in his stomach. To lie to Big Budgie, leader of the Party, was the most doubleplus-not-anti-opposite-of-good thing he could do, yet the suspicion that the looming face was nothing but a birdbrain consumed him. He had to think fast. He knew he wasn’t sick. He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick.

“I was out, um, buying you some nice millet seed, sir?”

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“Magnus our kitten watching a budgie on TV that’s so big it seems to be watching him,” says senderplusinner Sheenagh P.

Look Deep Into My Eyes…

You are falling under the spell of my hypnotic gaze… Soon, you will be fully under my control… When you awaken, you will remember nothing, but will obediently bring me tuna and milk whenever I say the trigger word, “meow.” Of course, you were already doing that, so I’m really just hypnotizing you because I’m bored and needed a laugh, but anyway…

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Blue Eyes, via Hanbyul❤.

Batcone of Shame!

I am the darkness…
I am the night…
I am… so going to scratch whoever did this to my cone.

catman

This is Alexandria, and according to her human, she’s all better now.

The Amazing Couch Magnets™!

Have you run out of space on your refrigerator door, and you still have important receipts to organize and children’s artwork to display? Then put your sofa to work with new Couch Magnets! (CAUTION: May cause shredding and/or shedding. Do not attempt to sit on couch while in use.)

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Via Adam Rifkin.

That’s a Wrap

Another holiday come and gone, another festive season
Again the houseful of in-laws and kids, running about for no reason
Mom burns the roast beef, Dad trips on the tree, Uncle Ed hits the egg nog hard
The electric bill rivals the national debt from the lights out on the yard
Steve home from college, lecturing all on privacy, taxes and climate
Cousin Alice brags on her weight loss last fall, just like last year, you can time it
They bicker and argue, and yet it all ends in warmth and kindness and cheer
So now all I all of you, family and friends, could someone get me out of here?

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“Here’s Twix. He puts up with a lot from the kids,” says Redditor I_Love_McRibs.

Terror of Tiny Town!

All was calm, all was bright, when… it came upon a midnight clear!

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It’s Tink, destroyer of towns, via Reddit.

The Floof of the Month Club

Looking for a unique gift idea? Enroll that special someone in the Floof of the Month Club! Every month, your loved one will get a box full of top-quality floof, in our patented self-packing carton. Order today!

Secret Super Santa Spotter Spies Sideways

(There he is! Santa Claus, right there in person! And he’s every bit as magical as I thought he’d be — Look! He can even walk on walls!)

Via Reddit.

I’ve Seen Things You People Wouldn’t Believe

Roast beef on fire next to the pork shoulder on our iron skillet… I’ve watched tin foil glitter in the microwave next to the Anheuser beer. All those moments will be lost in time… like drippings in gravy…

Via Reddit.

C.O. Neighborhood Crimewatch Action Alert!

Residents are warned to be on the lookout for a peeping tom(cat) known only as “The Masked Maligner,” who hangs out in showers, making catty remarks.

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