C.O. Guide to Emergency Preparedness

For situations involving unrest by mice, birds, or other small animals, make sure your home has an Emergency Cat close at hand. The Emergency Cat should be located in a convenient drawer or cupboard, and checked periodically to make sure its batteries are charged.

“She’s positive this bathroom drawer was made for her,” says Redditor Earlyecho.

The Major Is Not Pleased

Balderstuff and poppyrot! It appears that my local chemist’s has depleted its supply of Whickham and Warwick’s Wildroot Wonder Whisker Wax! Now I shall be forced to attend the annual reunion dinner of the 51st North Southeasterwest Light Infantry looking like an unkempt assortment of discarded pipe cleaners! The outrage!

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“She can shoot laser beams from her moustache,” boasts Redditor threeswordstyle.

I Hate When This Happens

Man, I have the worst luck. I finally work up the courage to ask that nice Jeannine from Receivables on a date, and she actually said yes! So I pay $300 for front-row concert seats, and just as we’re on our way there, that’s when The Rapture happens. Now what am I supposed to do with this extra ticket?

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Disc-inclined to Help

Do we have Carmine “Bossa” Nova’s 1963 recording of Mellow Moods for Modern Muchachos? Yeah, I think that’s in storage downstairs, I could get up and… actually no, we don’t have that.

How about Death, Death, Pancakes, and Death by Sçhrëêçhår? Well, we got a big shipment of metal last week, so it’s probably in one of the boxes in… on second thought, no it isn’t.

Drowning in Ecstatic Sorrow by Lorelei Whistenbleen? I think that’s… Actually, you know what? We don’t sell records here. We’re just, um, a front for organized crime. Yeah. Probably want to leave before you get whacked.

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According to Reddit, this is Love Garden in Lawrence, Kansas.

Next Week, on The Guiding Leash

With their yearlong, multimillion-dollar divorce nearly finalized, Francis and Foofy Finklestein divide their remaining property: three boxes of paper clips and a Yanni CD. Winner gets the paper clips.

Meanwhile, Melanie Boogerwiper confronts shady blackmailer Emil von Waffle, who claims to have photographic proof that Melanie once owned an entire set of the “Police Academy” movies.

And in a secluded room at the No Names Please Motel on the edge of town, forbidden lovers Lance and Sheila engage in a stimulating discussion on the unknowable nature of the cosmos…

Via Petteri Sulonen.

A Cute Overload Afterschool Special

“The Show and Tell Tragedy” — A happy day ends in heartbreak for little Marvin Hachenball when he loses his gold-plated, limited edition, lucky “Captain Mousie” collector’s coin.

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Lost Matter by Koziro Hasegawa.

If Only They Had Listened, the Fools…

Nobody believed Sy Yamese when he claimed to have seen alien visitors from the Dog Star.

Via Twitter.

The Fascinating Human Body

Among nature’s miracles we find the leukocytes, or white blood cells. These form the backbone of the immune system, fighting off invaders such as diseases and Visigoths. In this simulation, a cluster of styrophilli cells rally to subdue felinus lazii, which is a strain of parasite.

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Via Sean McGrath.

And Now, Back to The Goodness Gracious Garden with Madelyn Flomberg

Last week, we learned 14 unusual places you can stick a saguaro cactus, but this week we return to the back garden, where I’ve planted these lovely Japanese evergreens. These delicate plants lend a tone of peace and serenity to any gar — WILL THE TWO OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF I’M TRYING TO DO A SHOW HERE SHEEEEEEEESH!

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Via Bruno Caimi.

You’re Pulling My Leg!

No, really — you’re pulling my leg! Staaaaaaaaahhhhhhhp!

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