Good evening. When selecting just the right homes to visit, it may be wise to consider the dispensing container the homeowner has chosen. Is it a common household bowl? These may contain only garden-variety treats: Tootsie Rolls, Smarties, or worse, the dreaded $6.99 Wonka assortment.
However, if out host has employed a dispensing dish for the occasion, such as the promising jar to my right, then we may anticipate treats to satisfy the most discerning palate: rich cherry cordials, delicate nougats enveloped in fine Dutch chocolate…
Alas, we are deceived; I detect the chalky odor of Neco Wafers. Which brings me to my next topic. When selecting eggs to pelt houses with…
Via Bill & Vicki T.
Oooooo, you’d better ru-u-u-u-un! Look at me floating, so sca-a-a-a-ary! Oooo-EEE-oooo, I’m coming for yo-o-o — yeah, okay, I just fell into some white stuff, trying to make it work for me, all right?
I dress up as sushi, my favorite dish
I think it makes miso pretty
It just goes to shoyu, to look like a fish
Is delightful to most any kitty
Don’t provoke my tempura; it wouldn’t be right
Just respect my peculiar hobby
And if you sashimi this Halloween night
Feel free to come say “hey, wasabi?”
Sushi Cat via pinguino k.
Hold it right there… That’s purr-fect… Don’t move… Oh, I suppose you can’t move, can you?
For situations involving unrest by mice, birds, or other small animals, make sure your home has an Emergency Cat close at hand. The Emergency Cat should be located in a convenient drawer or cupboard, and checked periodically to make sure its batteries are charged.
“She’s positive this bathroom drawer was made for her,” says Redditor Earlyecho.
Balderstuff and poppyrot! It appears that my local chemist’s has depleted its supply of Whickham and Warwick’s Wildroot Wonder Whisker Wax! Now I shall be forced to attend the annual reunion dinner of the 51st North Southeasterwest Light Infantry looking like an unkempt assortment of discarded pipe cleaners! The outrage!
“She can shoot laser beams from her moustache,” boasts Redditor threeswordstyle.
Man, I have the worst luck. I finally work up the courage to ask that nice Jeannine from Receivables on a date, and she actually said yes! So I pay $300 for front-row concert seats, and just as we’re on our way there, that’s when The Rapture happens. Now what am I supposed to do with this extra ticket?
Do we have Carmine “Bossa” Nova’s 1963 recording of Mellow Moods for Modern Muchachos? Yeah, I think that’s in storage downstairs, I could get up and… actually no, we don’t have that.
How about Death, Death, Pancakes, and Death by Sçhrëêçhår? Well, we got a big shipment of metal last week, so it’s probably in one of the boxes in… on second thought, no it isn’t.
Drowning in Ecstatic Sorrow by Lorelei Whistenbleen? I think that’s… Actually, you know what? We don’t sell records here. We’re just, um, a front for organized crime. Yeah. Probably want to leave before you get whacked.
With their yearlong, multimillion-dollar divorce nearly finalized, Francis and Foofy Finklestein divide their remaining property: three boxes of paper clips and a Yanni CD. Winner gets the paper clips.
Meanwhile, Melanie Boogerwiper confronts shady blackmailer Emil von Waffle, who claims to have photographic proof that Melanie once owned an entire set of the “Police Academy” movies.
And in a secluded room at the No Names Please Motel on the edge of town, forbidden lovers Lance and Sheila engage in a stimulating discussion on the unknowable nature of the cosmos…
Via Petteri Sulonen.