Listen to me, my tasty minions! You are my Tator Tot Army, and together we’ll rid the kitchen of Colonel Ketchup!
That’s quite a surname, Cocoa Will-Never-Reveal-Her-Last-Name.
Posts tagged as: Impending Doom
Don’t Cross the Maltesie Crime Family
December 10, 2009 By
Hey boss, I ain’t workin’ for free here. I dug your hole, but if you want me to – you know – “bury the bone” too, then that’s gonna cost you extra.
Oh, you’ll bury the bone. You’ll do it quickly. And you’ll do it quietly. And fortunately for you, I’m going to try and forget your very unfortunate attitude.
Has anyone seen Sir Purrsalot, Gwyneth D. and Ariel C.?
Good luck, we’re all counting on you
December 6, 2009 By
Your mission is clear, little Ham.
Roll into the kitchen, procure yogurt drops, and roll back.
It’s simple.
We’ll be waiting for you.
DON’T MESS IT UP!
GO KRYSTLE C.!!!
THIS JUST IN: The “Suck and Glare”
November 29, 2009 By
Carl the 17-day-old kitten does not like sharing his bottle.
Izzie, the older cat sits and tries to catch a drip every time, and all Carl does is suck and glare at her.
Ariel E., thank you for bringing this look to our atten-shons and for naming your kitten ‘Carl.” Nice work.
Blooming Doom
October 31, 2009 By
Authorities believe the photographer is also the owner of these cicadas pugs. She has not been seen since this photo was taken, and with the petals found ditched on the side of the road, police are fearing the worst.
Halloween is a dangerous day.
Photo from Boston.com, via Josh N.
The Neighborhood Will Never Be the Same
October 30, 2009 By
Willard and Wanda Worrywart were, perhaps predictably, two nervous nellies to be begin with. Willard often compulsively paced in circles, while Wanda fretted over the smallest disruptions.
But in recent days, the Worrywarts often found themselves on the verge of suffering full-blown panic attacks. Their mental states were deteriorating, and Willard was especially affected.
It was their new neighbor; he was bizarre, and frankly, terrifying. It was like living in an episode of the Twilight Zone.
They had no one to complain to, so they were forced to endure the daily harassment. Neither Willard nor Wanda knew how long they’d last. But they knew one thing for certain: When they woke up, he would be there.
Call some therapists, Vicki C. and Regina C.
How to Survive a Slasher Movie
October 20, 2009 By
Rule 1: Don’t Go Upstairs. Serial killers love to hide in attics, belfrys, cupolas — anyplace that can be reached by a long, slow climb up an endless flight of stairs.
We traced the calls, Cheng L. — they’re coming from inside the house!!
Taking One for the Team
October 9, 2009 By
Herbert recently lost his job as the household doorstop, so when The Dog offered him the opportunity, he couldn’t turn it down. You see, The Cat had recently upped his efforts to sabotage The Dog; and he suspected his Kibble was being poisoned in an attempt to be dethroned as man’s best friend. Frankly, Herbert felt bad for him, because let’s face it, The Dog was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Listen, Dog, I agreed to test your food, but do you have to hover over me like some kind drooly sweater?
I’m putting my neck on the line for you, the least you could’ve done was supply a step ladder.
I’m going to be honest with you: this crap you call food is so disgusting that I wouldn’t know if it was poisoned or not. Here’s an idea, maybe stop being so eager to please everyone and demand a real meal.
Take one step closer to me, Dog, and I’ll go straight to The Cat and tell him that you want to replace his kitty litter with Pop Rocks Candy.
Good luck with this situation, Kristin B.
In Just 30 Seconds, You Will Utterly Despise The New York Lottery
September 17, 2009 By
Oh sure, it gets off to a promising start, but just you wait: In mere moments, you will yearn for a plague of locusts to blacken the skies above their offices, and to hear the wailing and lamentations of their Marketing executives.
Wait for it… Wa-a-a-a-ait for it…
But sender-inner S.A. thought it was cute, so we’ll let them live.
Vincent and Jules Hatch Their Plan
September 14, 2009 By
“I don’t know…What do you think?”
“It’s risky. But if I’ve done the calculations correctly, I think it will hold. I just wish it had a bit more length.”
“And what about the pigs?”
“You know them – it’s always hard to tell with their incessant wheet-wheet-wheeting, but I think they’re on board. But they want us to go first. You know, because of our ‘lucky feet’.”
“Typical. So we’re a go?”
“Affirmative.”
The following morning Farmer Ted went out to his garden and discovered a veritable vegetable massacre. All that was left along the outside of the fence were six tiny trench coats, six tiny mustaches, and one leaf of kale. Farmer Ted thought back to the previous week and suspected that those ungrateful bunnies had actually followed through on their written threat:
“fArMheR Tehd:
We sicK of KAle. FEed us CaRROt oR wE usE kAle as PoLE vAUlt inTO VehgtIblE gARdEn. U hAve 7 Day.
LUv,
RaBBits and Teh PiGs”
Build a higher fence, Julie D.
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