Posts tagged as: I shall leeck you

The Panda Had the Right Idea

October 14, 2009 By Prongs

Damn it, Carl! Did you just eat peanut butter-covered anchovies? You know how allergic I am! Well, when you’re driving in rush hour traffic to take me to the emergency room, I hope this moment will be worth it for you!

Drive-by lickings are on the rise.

My God, Florence. Have you no control? I can’t even give you a simple hug without you blowing your backdoor trumpet. And no, calling them “misdirected burps” does not make them more endearing.

In an attempt to make a giant shadow puppet, they forgot one key element.

There has to be a way of getting out of going to Carl and Francine’s dinner party. Those two are bad enough, but throw in Florence and Hank…? I’d rather sit here alone and count cinder blocks.

I'd like to be alone for a little while, if you don't mind.

Photos courtesy of AP/San Diego Zoo/Tammy Spratt; AP/Martin Meissner; Reuters/Jason Lee

45 comments

DO NOT SMILE DURING THIS VIDEO

October 13, 2009 By Meg

I dare yous!

Ilana B., it’s imposs. Absolutely imposs.

183 comments

Laundry Mountain Blues

September 20, 2009 By Theo

[blues licks, y'all] Dah dwee da dump.

I woke up this mornin’ (dah dwee da dump)
And went back to sleep (dah dwee da dump)
Cause starin’ right at me (dah dwee da dump)
This big wrinkled heap (dah dweedle da dump) (etc.)

Twenty tan and black towels
Just a pile o’ wet fuzz
One little pink sock
Told me right where I was…

I’m in the washroom, baby (back in the washroom, baby)
I’m in the washroom, baby (back in the washroom, baby)
I’m in the washroom, baby, face down on the flo’
(dah dwee da dump, dah dweedle a dump, dah dwee-aah)
And Miss Miranda H. Mama…
(all stop for a four-count)
…She don’t need me no mo’

[harmonica outro, repeat chorus, big finish]

128 comments

Um, Why Is My Lunch Eating My Lunch?

September 18, 2009 By Not That Mike The Other Mike

In an amazing series of photos, a fearless rat stared down a mighty leopard–and the leopard blinked. While the puzzled cat sniffed and watched, the rat helped itself to the leopard’s steak dinner. Be sure to read the full story at the Mail Online.

I’ve had nightmares like this before, John L. (I’m always the leopard.)

134 comments

Oh, Red-and-White Stripey Object…

September 2, 2009 By Not That Mike The Other Mike

…thank you for being my soulmate. Before you entered my life, I’d tried them all: Round jingling thing that hides under the sofa, pink squeaking porcine animal replica, black clacking object that joins papers at one corner (actually, you really want to keep your tongue away from those things)…

But they just don’t understand me the way you do, my diagonally alternating friend. And that’s why this time it’s — dare I say it? — really love. I love you more than any cat’s ever loved a hastily-manufactured red-and-white stripey cloth bag.

That’s some serious sandpaper on that tongue, Nancy H.

109 comments

Your Guide to Evil Marketing

September 1, 2009 By Not That Mike The Other Mike

Lesson Twelve: When confronted with a truly challenging sales assignment, such as a Ponzi scheme, or cans of chemical-laced swill, the savvy marketer will reach for his secret weapon: The cute puppy.

Simply by placing a cute puppy in your advertisement, you will reduce the brains of your readers to a quivering puddle of Tapioca, rendering them helpless to your diabolical suggestions.

Musssssst … haaaave … Pepsi, … Amber S.

56 comments

I love, I love my calendar squirrel

August 31, 2009 By Meg

I love, I love my calendar squirrel
Yeah, sweet calendar squirrel
I love, I love, I love my calendar squirrel
Each and every day of the year.

Cute Overload Page-a-Day and Wall calendars NOW AVAILBUHLS. Licking Squirrelio Iglesias sent in by Zarina M. Lyrics are a blatant rip-off of ‘Calendar Girl’ by Mr. Neeeeeeeeeeeeeil Sedaka!