Dear Dr. Lipschwitz…

Please help. His name is Wedge – purely coincidental, mind you – and he’s gone ’round the bend:

“Hey, guys! Look in my new tele-ma-scope! We live in Pennsyl-ma-vania, but you can see all the way to Polka-vank-tatum! And that’s where the Paperclip Fairies and Purple live!”

What the hell just went on here, Tara G.?

‘Tis The Season…For Close Inspection

Cute Overload Holiday Tip: The holidays are a traditional time for many and often include roasting chestnuts on an open fire.  But, “chestnuts” are a prickly bunch, so always be sure to first check for blemishes – and disgruntled squeaks…

Beatriz P., Fa-la-la-la-laaa-la-la-la-laaa – Namaste!

Half-Caf Quad Misto Macchiato Con Quills

Oh, and please add a moist nosicle.

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Sender-Inner Mandy says that her hedge “Cronie” crawls into cups sometimes. Then, Cronie gets served to the highest bidder.

Taking One for the Team

Herbert recently lost his job as the household doorstop, so when The Dog offered him the opportunity, he couldn’t turn it down. You see, The Cat had recently upped his efforts to sabotage The Dog; and he suspected his Kibble was being poisoned in an attempt to be dethroned as man’s best friend. Frankly, Herbert felt bad for him, because let’s face it, The Dog was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Maybe you can help me, crack-on-the-kitchen-floor. There seems to be a pin cushion in my dinner....

Listen, Dog, I agreed to test your food, but do you have to hover over me like some kind drooly sweater?

I knew I shouldn't have had that third Bartles&James wine cooler.

I’m putting my neck on the line for you, the least you could’ve done was supply a step ladder.

Here's how it's gonna go - I'm going to eat every single one of you. Prepare for greatness. R.I.P., Kibble.

I’m going to be honest with you: this crap you call food is so disgusting that I wouldn’t know if it was poisoned or not. Here’s an idea, maybe stop being so eager to please everyone and demand a real meal.

You mind?

Take one step closer to me, Dog, and I’ll go straight to The Cat and tell him that you want to replace his kitty litter with Pop Rocks Candy.

Good luck with this situation, Kristin B.

Benson Hedges, Private Eye in: The Case of the Kidnapped Kitties!

It was one of those nights when all a tired gumshoe wants is to get away from the babes and bullets and have a nice meal in a restaurant where they don’t pat you down for weapons. And so I was about to drown my sorrows in a bowl of Miss Kitty’s famous five-alarm chili when it hit me: Miss Kitty was gone!

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Now, another Joe might have shrugged it off, but when this nose smells trouble, buddy, I follow it. So my partner and I staked out an abandoned warehouse…

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“Follow me,” I said. “We’re going in!” But he just stood there with that dopey grin on his face. He was too yellow, and I’d have to go it alone.

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When I got inside, I could hear muffled voices, saying something about “a day without cats.” So that was their plan; Miss Kitty was only the beginning. They wouldn’t stop until they’d stolen every kitten from the Internet — unless I stopped them first.

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Can Benson corral the catty kidnappers and crack the case? Will tomorrow truly be A Day Without Cats? Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode!

Photos from “My Hedgehog” by Yoppy.

And Now, a Word from our Sponsor

In these uncertain times, can you afford not to give your hedgehog complete insurance coverage?  Then call your Allstate agent today and ask about our Hedgehog Term Life Package.

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Keeping that nosicle moist!

Step one, assume a comfortable posishe:

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You already know what step two is.

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and REPEAT Karine V.!

This is Not a Half-Pipe

Dude, you call this a half-pipe?  It’s, like, totally made of construction paper or something, and it’s not even big enough for my skateboard!  I’m, like, a professional athlete, dude, I don’t have time for this!

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Love the tongue, Jacqueline T.!

Have a productive Memorial Day

Whether you’re remembering brave folks who gave their lives for their country or stuffing your schnozzle into a toilet paper tube, we wish you a productive day.

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Penny the hedge brought to you by Ginny L.

Let’s plant a hedgehog tree

1. Soak hedgehog seed overnight so ears fully moisten
2. Find sunny spot in garden
3. Hedgehog seed will burrow right in and plant itself.

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4. Wait 2 years for maximum quillage. Feed well.

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Thanks for the gardening tip Josh N.

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