Just Walk Away, It’s Not Worth It

On this day, in late August of 2007, today, the 31st, which is definitely today, something else happened.  This is not that story.

Caked and wrinkly, turtle ‘tocks
Crinkly, crusty turtle ‘tocks

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Rumpled, puckered turtle ‘tocks
Ridged, and dimpled, turtle ‘tocks.

Olé!

Furrowed, folded, crumpled, crusty-tacular, Cheryl H.

Taking One for the Team

Herbert recently lost his job as the household doorstop, so when The Dog offered him the opportunity, he couldn’t turn it down. You see, The Cat had recently upped his efforts to sabotage The Dog; and he suspected his Kibble was being poisoned in an attempt to be dethroned as man’s best friend. Frankly, Herbert felt bad for him, because let’s face it, The Dog was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Maybe you can help me, crack-on-the-kitchen-floor. There seems to be a pin cushion in my dinner....

Listen, Dog, I agreed to test your food, but do you have to hover over me like some kind drooly sweater?

I knew I shouldn't have had that third Bartles&James wine cooler.

I’m putting my neck on the line for you, the least you could’ve done was supply a step ladder.

Here's how it's gonna go - I'm going to eat every single one of you. Prepare for greatness. R.I.P., Kibble.

I’m going to be honest with you: this crap you call food is so disgusting that I wouldn’t know if it was poisoned or not. Here’s an idea, maybe stop being so eager to please everyone and demand a real meal.

You mind?

Take one step closer to me, Dog, and I’ll go straight to The Cat and tell him that you want to replace his kitty litter with Pop Rocks Candy.

Good luck with this situation, Kristin B.

More Amazing Movie Magic!

Welcome back, film fans!  Time once again for a “sneak peek” at the secrets of Tinseltown.  Today we’re on the set of Cheapo Productions’ “Ultra Power Turtles III: The Quest for Pocket Lint” to watch our high-flying heroes actually take to the air!

How do they do it?  “Now, your big studios would dangle the stars from an expensive rig, and blot out the wires in post-production,” says “Turtles” director Steve Rancid.  “But we’re kinda strapped, so we just hold them up to the camera and make ‘whooshing’ noises.”

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We’re Currently #2 for Take-Off, So We’re Going to Turn on the Highbeams, Adjust the Rib Bumpers, and Raise the Goodyears

Spike was really looking forward to his first tandem skydiving jump. Although, he was concerned that the airbags were behind him.

What's really offensive is the condition of this manicure.

You two make a lovely pair, Jessie S.

Friday Haiku: What’choo Lookin’ At?

Stoic sentinels
See the long and short of it
Haiku their vision

3 dogs in a hatchback

Choo lookin’ at me, Kayla C.?

Bacon Got Back

I like pig butts and I cannot lie,
You other animals can’t deny
When the pigs walk in with those double-decker ‘tocks
I go “squee” when I see them hocks…

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Oh, Sarah L. we wanna get wit’cha / ’cause we like yo pit’cha!

Wallet-Sized, Now Just $10.99

You can never go wrong with a nice shot from the Sears Portrait Studio…

A nice soft, filtered light will do wonders; these two are actually raccoons.

I can’t wait to see what they do for Easter, Alex R.

THIS JUST IN: A puppeh with pink glasses

This pup is seeing 20/10, People, and he’s reading the eye chart on the wall and it says:

I

OWN

YER

ASS

pink_glasses_pup

Impressive at such a young age, @Mishmashed!

The Cliché Hollywood Nightmare Scene

It begins with a grating chord of violins; the camera creeps in slowly…

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The subject twists in agony, as thoughts from the subconscious bubble to her lips…

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The violins screech up and down like angry bees; the subject’s writhing becomes more and more desperate, until she can stand it no longer, AND –

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GGHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! She bolts upright and stares into the camera!

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Pass the popcorn, Katelyn D.

Oh, Hells to the No, Lady

Let me get this straight: You’re trying to offer me that…for this? Oh, honey. If you think I’m letting go of this anytime soon, then you might as well believe that Mensa is gonna be recruiting you. I mean, that’s like me offering you tofu for a Twinkie.

Funny you should ask, because, yes, there's a huge difference between Cheetos and Cheese Puffs. For instance...

If I were you, I’d back the hell up. Because on top of being highly unpredictable, I’m, like, 8 feet tall and foaming at the mouth with Cheetos dust.

Next time, maybe you won’t offer him a cashew. But on the other hand, look at those adorably clawed prongs, Pea H.

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