Huh?

When you start saying “Must…snorgle…nosicles!” or when you reach for my nose and inexplicably exclaim “Beep!” and then look around and say, “Shifty eyes” to no one else in the room, I get concerned that maybe I’m not hearing things so well.

And I can only assume that’s because you haven’t trimmed my ear hair.

What'chu talkin' 'bout, Owner.

Beep! Beep! Harumph, Kate Elizabeth Q.

How to Survive a Slasher Movie

Rule 1: Don’t Go Upstairs.  Serial killers love to hide in attics, belfrys, cupolas — anyplace that can be reached by a long, slow climb up an endless flight of stairs.

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We traced the calls, Cheng L. — they’re coming from inside the house!!

We Glare—Because We Care!

Are other peoples’ freedoms too much to handle?  Then turn to Outrage, Inc., your one-stop source for manufactured outrage!  Choose from a variety of specialized tantrums, or try our general-purpose “I’m Mad As Hell” package:

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Want to be the death of the party?  Our “Gloom and Doom” package will show you time-tested secrets to help you bring down any room in seconds!

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Need to look down on others?  Our “TechnoSnob” package will teach you the secret catchphrases that will make you sound just like a jaded expert!

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So stop feeling irrelevant and ignored!  Call Outrage, Inc. today, and start getting the attention you think you deserve!

Photos: Sad Scottish Fold by Stephanie R., flickr fan by BeccaG

How Reflective Human Dramas from 1981 Instill Fear and Loathing in Collies

It happens about once or twice a year, so you’d think I’d be used to it. But, no. At least I can recognize the triggers now. You know, if someone says something about fishing or back flips, then I know it’s coming. I’ve stopped trying to hide; it’s no use. Always just a matter of time before she pops in “On Golden Pond” and dresses me up like Henry Fonda.

Look at the loons, Norman!

At least you’re over your “Tootsie” phase, Glenna M.

Awkward Family Photos

Hurley and Preston are just hangin’ out. Real casual, on the tree in the front yard. Nuthin’ unusual here—EXCEPT THEIR HAIRCUTS!

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Sophie G., this photo fits riiiiiiight in at awkward family photos

C.O. Moving Tips

When packing your cute creatures for a cross-country move, be sure to wrap them in several layers of shock-absorbent packaging. Using a sock, as shown here, will protect Teh Qte from bumps and bruises without the use of wasteful plastics.

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San Diego will make a nice change from Maine, Kendra H.

THIS JUST IN: New episode of Simon’s Cat

Simon’s cat is getting into troubs again. Poor Simon, he just goes about his daily life, and his cat antagonizes him at every turn. This time, the Kitteh Terrorism involves… a heat lamp.

Susan H., I think the “moww” sound effects are my favorite part. See ALL episodes here…

Bearlization

Check out this panda Mom, she’s all holding her head going: “I had this dream! This dream last night that I had a behbeh! It was so real!!!”

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BEAR-HANCE!

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Nice Panda molecule, Steve W.

The New York Lottery Must Be Stopped

Not content to disrupt a peaceful slumber party, now those noisy goons from the New York Lottery are crashing a bucolic Bunday picnic at (what’s left of) Coney Island.  Have these people no sense of decency?

Wanna split a funnel cake Nathan’s hot dog, sbovio?  Theresa’s buying.

Caturday. The last word.

And finally tonight, here’s what your cats are really thinking when you’re yakking at them all baby-talk-like:

You’ll remember this famous translator from “Two Cats Talking” right Neil F.?