Secrets of Ethical Magic!

For longer performances, you may be required to have various animals secreted about your person for extended periods.  To ensure their comfort and well-being, always provide snacks just before going onstage.

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Excuse Me, Sir, Can We Get Some More Bread?

I hope it goes right to their hips.

You expect me to bring you more bread after THAT lazy-ass caption?

Photo courtesy of Nigel Treblin/AFP/Getty Images

Those Smiles Are Fake

Really? You’re just going to stand there on the other side of the glass and take pictures? I’m just waiting for the day when the only thing that separates us is your mask. If I were you – and I’m glad that I’m not – I’d learn how to wield that snorkel like a sword, capesh?

Why so blue?

Photo courtesy of Timm Schamberger/AFP/Getty Images

All Right… So She’s a Dog

MILAN — Stunned art historians announced today that their efforts to restore a priceless collection of 18th-century masterpieces have led to a shocking discovery:  Yelena Sylvania Potzi-Stroganoff, a Russian countess once believed to be the most beautiful woman in the court of Emperor Peter III, was in fact a real dog.

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OK, here’s the real deal: The portrait on the right is example of custom pet portraiture by Valerie Leonard, and you can see this and more on her site.

The Great White Way. Meow.

Nice day. Sun shining. Annoying dogs fetching. It just makes me…want…to…

Not feeling Starlight Express...

...FEELING ALL THE BUMPERS, ALWAYS PLAYING CLEAN, HE PLAYS BY INTUITION, THE DIGIT COUNTERS FALL…THAT DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND KID SURE PLAYS A MEAN PINBAAAALLLLL!

Aaack...aaaack...oh god, I'm choking on a whisker....AAAACK

What, let me guess – you were expecting something from Cats? Please. I have way more depth than that.

Tommy hears me.

He’s the master of the house, Rachel P.

Bat One, You Are Clear to Drink, Over.

In this amazing Daily Mail article, nature photographer Kim Taylor rigged an entire batcave’s worth of gadgets just to capture these eeety-beety bat tongues as they skimmed his backyard pond.

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Terrific bat-find, Catalina S.

The Panda Had the Right Idea

Damn it, Carl! Did you just eat peanut butter-covered anchovies? You know how allergic I am! Well, when you’re driving in rush hour traffic to take me to the emergency room, I hope this moment will be worth it for you!

Drive-by lickings are on the rise.

My God, Florence. Have you no control? I can’t even give you a simple hug without you blowing your backdoor trumpet. And no, calling them “misdirected burps” does not make them more endearing.

In an attempt to make a giant shadow puppet, they forgot one key element.

There has to be a way of getting out of going to Carl and Francine’s dinner party. Those two are bad enough, but throw in Florence and Hank…? I’d rather sit here alone and count cinder blocks.

I'd like to be alone for a little while, if you don't mind.

Photos courtesy of AP/San Diego Zoo/Tammy Spratt; AP/Martin Meissner; Reuters/Jason Lee

THIS JUST IN: Hollywood Switches Its Cause Du Jour

You may have heard rumblings about a certain controversial celebrity recently incarcerated overseas. Many in Hollywood have a signed a petition asking him to be freed, but you know that cause don’t got cred until Causeactivists Tim Robbins and Sean Penn get on board. To put it into perspective, this cause is so important that they immediately halted their annual bid to end the brutal massacre of innocent pumpkins.

So once again, the troops have been assembled, and their rallying call is:

FREE GONZO!

OK, which of you wacky pachyderms put super glue on my trunk.

Camilla must be worried sick, Muffy M.

Photo courtesy of Steffi Loos/AFP/Getty via Boston.com

Day 13: Still No Sign of the Monster

As the expedition pauses at one of the many watering pools that dot this mysterious island, I note with some frustration that we are no closer to sighting the giant ape known to the natives only as Kong.  If there was only some clue…

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DO NOT SMILE DURING THIS VIDEO

I dare yous!

Ilana B., it’s imposs. Absolutely imposs.

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