This is just like every Ikea bookshelf you’ve ever assembled–there’s always one part left over. In this case, it’s the paw of yesterday’s ad-libbing kitten in the pictures sent by Kelly H. I couldn’t work it into the narrative, but it’s too cute not to use.
Well, the recession may have hit some of us kinda hard, but you can still be a handyman no matter where you are. So, on today’s show, I’ll be mixing a half bag of flour and a broken bottle of Kayo syrup into a durable all-weather sealant. Later, I’ll show you how to turn an old license plate into a distinctive end table.
“I didn’t go to high school. I think that after you learn to read and write and do your numbers and flush the toilet behind yourself, you don’t need no more schoolin’. You need to get out in the water and swim.”
“I resent the fact that people in places like Boston, New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and San Francisco believe that they should be able to tell us how to live our lives, operate our businesses, and what to do with the land that we love and cherish.”
“I’ve taken on a little bit of self-discipline that I never had before. In general, I’m looking after myself more. I do the blood tests about five times a day and inject my insulin twice a day, delivered by Liberty, of course.”
(OK, when I call “Action,” you just turn and read what’s on the card. All right?)
Sure, no problem. Let’s do this.
(Fine. And … action!)
Friends, has your mom been tasting a little rancid lately?
(Wait, that’s not what it says on the…)
I mean not just a bit sour, but that full-on chalky mix of week-old milk, with a hint of tobacco and sardines that just makes you want to toss your cookies, am I right?
(Uh, if we could just stick to the script here…)
That’s why our mom drinks Schblatz Beer!
(That’s not even the sponsor! What the hell are you…)
Only Schblatz is double-brewed to be double-smooth, with the taste kitties love…
(Somebody call Security!)
So treat your mom to a cool, refreshing Schblatz! She’ll love it–and so will you!
(… and then call Kelly H. in the Casting Office and tell her she’s fired!)
… who nourishes our forest with gentle life-giving rains,
… who blesses us with interesting feet that can grab things,
… who makes heavy the trees with delicious fruits that are very hard to open,
… who causes the theme from “The Benny Hill Show” to reverberate inside our tiny heads whenever we frolic and scamper through the treetops,
… all glory and pudding be upon thee, forever and ever, aaaaaaaa-monnnnk…
(OK, this is an ape, not a monkey, but we like the sound of “monkey butt,” so deal.)
Like, oh my god!
Like – totally
Encino is like so bitchen
There’s like the Galleria
And like all these like really great shoe stores
I love going into like clothing stores and stuff
I like buy the neatest mini-skirts and stuff
Its like so bitchen cuz like everybodys like
Its like so bitchen…
So like I go into this like salon place, yknow
And I wanted like to get my toenails done
And the lady like goes, oh my god, your toenails
Are like so grody
It was like really embarrassing
She’s like oh my god, like bag those toenails
I’m like sure…
She goes, uh, I don’t know if I can handle this, y’know…
I was like really embarrassed…
I’m like totally bowing in the direction of Frank Zappa right now. And Sender-Inner Abby B is a total space cadet.
Ya’ll remember Heart Kun, the Japanese (natch) Chihuahua born with a heart-shaped marking on his coat. The one that brought great luck and lottery winnings to their owners? Well, according to the Los Angeles Times, Heart-kun has a new younger brother “Love-kun” also born with a heart-shaped marking. Behold!
In case you missed him the first time, here is Heart-Kun, in his debut photos;