Are You There God? It’s Me, Porcuwhine.

TO-DO LIST:

1) Dye roots. Other day, human shrieked, called me “skunk”. Hour later, skunk shrieked, called me “Cher”. Humiliating! Was not sure where to aim quill.

2) File/polish nails. Something less Goth for fall. Maybe “Paint My Moji-Toes Red”. It’s kind of gecko, but think I can pull off.

3) Trim whiskers. Starting to resemble that guy from “MythBusters”. Enough said.

4) Stop stress eating. Twice-baked-scalloped-potatoes are for carb-junkies in Jug Bands, only.

5) Find eyelashes. Am legitimately concerned. *plink-plink*

Sigh. Those hedgehogs don’t know how good they have it.

Robert Smith has really let himself go.

Alert us of any mysterious hedgehog disappearances, Tim C.

And The Hits Just Keep On Coming.

Lucky the box turtle has had a rough time of it. He recently endured an attack by a crazy raccoon who gnawed off his two front legs. Fortunately, the medical miracle known as double-sided tape and furniture sliders made Lucky slowly mobile once again.

You need that couch moved?

Unfortunately, now Lucky bears a strange resemblance to this guy:

Darth_Puppeh

Thanks for the submission, Brooke B. I guess his owner will never need to hire movers again.

Caveat Emptor.

You’d be surprised to learn how many people don’t do their research before buying a hybrid. Sure, they think they’re doing the environmentally-responsible thing, plus they’ll save money on gas. A win-win, right? Well, if they ever bothered to take a look under the hood to actually see what’s powering their hybrid, they’d realize that the amount saved on gas, won’t compare to the cash spent on walnuts. And the heckling. My God, the heckling…

Chipmunkanics.

“Well what the hell were you expecting? You think this thing runs on rainbows and unicorn tears?”

You did NOT just call me Alvin.

“Do I’s come to your office and go lookin’ under your desk? If you want to get to work before lunch, I suggest you close that hood then back away real slow. Oh, and if you want Zuko over there to stop chewing on your air filter, then you best bring the nuts. I ain’t gonna ask twice.”

What'd you think "hybrid" meant?

“Lady, honest to God, if you don’t stop starin’ at me with that gaping mouth from behind that wheel, I’m gonna bring in the squirrels.”

I hope your stowaways made the transition from car to yard quite nicely, Tammy G.

Go Ahead. Try The Wipers.

In your face, Winston!

You can drive as fast as you want, Winston, because I got Hubba-Bubba on my paws and Marshmallow Fluff on my belly. You want the cats back, you’re gonna have to get rid of ME first. So go ahead and roll the dice. But keep in mind that I’m not some idiot cat, so I won’t be chasing after it.

Welcome to hell.

Hope you were wearing a seat belt, Anne T.

Does This Make Me Look Cat?

I’m not sure if it’s my haircut (the “Donald Trump Special”), or if it’s just my all-around obsession with all things me, but suddenly I’m feeling very feline.

-1

And, might I say, “Worst feeling ever.” If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go need to spike my alfalfa with arsenic.

cu

Did you use a bowl for that cut, Momo?

The Cats Have Gone To The Golden Arches. No, Not THOSE Golden Arches.

Look, I’m no bloodhound, but I swear I can’t find The Cat anywhere. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I’m no fan, you know? The Cat thinks he’s better than me. He’s all high and mighty and always gets all up in my mug about being “potty trained”. Look, I could crap in a bin of pebbles if I wanted to too, but I choose to take my business curbside. All proper-like.

Still, I kind of miss The Cat. Bring on the comfort food.

puppy_stares_out_window

Don’t forget the apple pie, Josh P.

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