I’ll Blink After You Blend My Steak

Wait a minute.  I thought we agreed that you would create an emulsion of a 16-oz prime New York strip. You know, on the bone, seared, broiled in a 1600 degree oven, and blended into a delightful goo. With fries. Also goo-ed. Yet now I hear I’m getting a mixture of salty water and B12??? Can I speak to the president of something please?

'Ello! My name is Puss in Boots. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

“Tough Cookie” was found in a box after being hit by a car. She recovered and is presumably doing well with her new owner.

Creamed spinach IVs and all thanks go to Lyndley P.

Twofers Bun

It was peculiar, yes. Mr. Fred Jingles had never come across such an uneven ottoman that thumped every second.

If you could stick a carrot in your under arm, I'd really appreciate it.

Would it kill you to offer him a pillow, Jen W.?

The Domino Effect of Addiction

Doctors have yet to determine a trigger, but all unanimously agree that when one lapses, they all lapse. One of the more tragic cases focuses on Hammy. When asked how he got himself into such a sad mess, he responded:

“Maru, OK! I learned it by watching Maru!

Unbreakable 2 Electric Bugaloo

Poppy was one-of-a-kind, Karen B.

Huh?

When you start saying “Must…snorgle…nosicles!” or when you reach for my nose and inexplicably exclaim “Beep!” and then look around and say, “Shifty eyes” to no one else in the room, I get concerned that maybe I’m not hearing things so well.

And I can only assume that’s because you haven’t trimmed my ear hair.

What'chu talkin' 'bout, Owner.

Beep! Beep! Harumph, Kate Elizabeth Q.

How Reflective Human Dramas from 1981 Instill Fear and Loathing in Collies

It happens about once or twice a year, so you’d think I’d be used to it. But, no. At least I can recognize the triggers now. You know, if someone says something about fishing or back flips, then I know it’s coming. I’ve stopped trying to hide; it’s no use. Always just a matter of time before she pops in “On Golden Pond” and dresses me up like Henry Fonda.

Look at the loons, Norman!

At least you’re over your “Tootsie” phase, Glenna M.

Excuse Me, Sir, Can We Get Some More Bread?

I hope it goes right to their hips.

You expect me to bring you more bread after THAT lazy-ass caption?

Photo courtesy of Nigel Treblin/AFP/Getty Images

Those Smiles Are Fake

Really? You’re just going to stand there on the other side of the glass and take pictures? I’m just waiting for the day when the only thing that separates us is your mask. If I were you – and I’m glad that I’m not – I’d learn how to wield that snorkel like a sword, capesh?

Why so blue?

Photo courtesy of Timm Schamberger/AFP/Getty Images

The Great White Way. Meow.

Nice day. Sun shining. Annoying dogs fetching. It just makes me…want…to…

Not feeling Starlight Express...

...FEELING ALL THE BUMPERS, ALWAYS PLAYING CLEAN, HE PLAYS BY INTUITION, THE DIGIT COUNTERS FALL…THAT DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND KID SURE PLAYS A MEAN PINBAAAALLLLL!

Aaack...aaaack...oh god, I'm choking on a whisker....AAAACK

What, let me guess – you were expecting something from Cats? Please. I have way more depth than that.

Tommy hears me.

He’s the master of the house, Rachel P.

The Panda Had the Right Idea

Damn it, Carl! Did you just eat peanut butter-covered anchovies? You know how allergic I am! Well, when you’re driving in rush hour traffic to take me to the emergency room, I hope this moment will be worth it for you!

Drive-by lickings are on the rise.

My God, Florence. Have you no control? I can’t even give you a simple hug without you blowing your backdoor trumpet. And no, calling them “misdirected burps” does not make them more endearing.

In an attempt to make a giant shadow puppet, they forgot one key element.

There has to be a way of getting out of going to Carl and Francine’s dinner party. Those two are bad enough, but throw in Florence and Hank…? I’d rather sit here alone and count cinder blocks.

I'd like to be alone for a little while, if you don't mind.

Photos courtesy of AP/San Diego Zoo/Tammy Spratt; AP/Martin Meissner; Reuters/Jason Lee

THIS JUST IN: Hollywood Switches Its Cause Du Jour

You may have heard rumblings about a certain controversial celebrity recently incarcerated overseas. Many in Hollywood have a signed a petition asking him to be freed, but you know that cause don’t got cred until Causeactivists Tim Robbins and Sean Penn get on board. To put it into perspective, this cause is so important that they immediately halted their annual bid to end the brutal massacre of innocent pumpkins.

So once again, the troops have been assembled, and their rallying call is:

FREE GONZO!

OK, which of you wacky pachyderms put super glue on my trunk.

Camilla must be worried sick, Muffy M.

Photo courtesy of Steffi Loos/AFP/Getty via Boston.com

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