If They Build It, You Should Not Come

It was the house that buns built. They called it Hoppy Times Plantation, and what a misnomer that was. Don’t be fooled. You are not welcome here.

The mint julep strikes again.

It was built on disapproval, Tuesday H.

There’s A New Chef in Town

First of all,  just looking around in here, I can tell that I’m gonna need the 12-quart stock pot. It will run you about 600 bones, but I don’t want to hear it. Oh, don’t give me that look – I’ll have my sous chef wash out the pot.


Second, what’s with the beans? Don’t get me wrong, I’m brilliant, so I’ll be able to whip up something exquisite for your guests, but where’s the veg? Would something a little leafy in the pantry kill you? And don’t get me started on your electric cook top. I don’t know how you expect me to cook in these conditions.


Joan of Arc Spicy Chili Beans, Kate O.?

On the Next Episode of “Real Penguins of the Jersey Shore”…

You get a nice look, guy? You get a big ol’ eyeful? You trying to get her name? Well, her name is Mine, understand? Why don’t you just step off before I peck your face in, a’ight?

Once again, Gary forgot the key element when flashing...his trench coat.

Penguins wearing wife beaters and black chains are always trouble, Sarah W.

Oh, I’ll Wait

Heeerrrrrre, birdie, birdie, birdie. At some point, you’re going to need a drink of this niiiice water I brought you. Maybe not in the next minute, maybe not in the next hour. But I’ve got alllllll day, boys, and you’re the only thing on my calendar.

Unfortunately he realized too late that he was waiting for woodpeckers.

The early cat gets the bird, Karen M.

Gargamel’s New Pet

I’ve been trying to look more evil and less snuggley, I swear. And yes, I’ll try to grow into my paws faster. Look,  I know I have a lot to live up to, but I’m trying. Really. Please, I can’t sit in these Smurf undergarments any longer.

How would you feel if I stuck you in the Jolly Green Giant's briefs?

Azrael, a little help here?

I just found something that looks like a blue jellybean in here...

Papa Smurf had a big ass, Sandy S.

The Persian Gallery

I don’t get it. What does she do? What do you mean, she just sits in there all day? Can you tap the glass or something? She has an Artist’s Statement??? Because as far as I can tell, she’s neither an artist, nor does she make any kind of statement. You know what? Here’s my statement: You come to my house tomorrow and I’ll charge you $40 to watch me sit on the couch all day. How’s that?

Purrformance Art

Heavy on the tannins, Marco B.

Spring Cleaning

Stefanie had been looking for it for months, so she was thrilled when she finally found her ring under the bed. Of course, her discovery made her realize that she should really clean more often.

I's can't see but me thinks you be holding a turnip?

Nice dust bunny, Stefanie H.

Pachyderm Don’t Play that Way

It happened so fast that he barely heard the massive snorf or felt the violent whoosh of air. But when he looked down, Paul realized that his entire forearm had been sucked up her trunk, and the look in her eyes said, “I don’t have to give it back, you know.” It was the first and last time Paul would play “I got your nose!” with Ellafante.

Oh honey, you best let go of that peanut if you want to keep your dignity.

That’s a risky little game, Christoph G.

Dell’s New “Meowse” A Dud

After extensive research, Dell gambled on their focus groups’ request for “something softer to the touch” and lost.

This is a stick-up for static cling.

Triple click, Maria F.

Hilda’s Revenge

…Because you’ve seen Hilda’s ears, right? It’s like two furry Venus Flytraps just sprouted out of  her head – oh, poo! Sweetie, did I not mention that I needed a French manicure today –anyway, I mean, Hilda has a cute face…it it weren’t for those pipe cleaners she calls whiskers. It’s like, ‘What, did a 5-year-old invent you?’

By the way, how do my brows look? It’s like the one thing Hilda does right, you know?

I'm going to look angry for a very long time.

Um, no. I did not ask for two “creepy cocoons” to be placed above my eyes. Where is Hilda. I need to speak with her.

They may look like furry Venus Flytraps, but they hear all.

You could just use Chunk’s whiskers as Q-Tips, Deidra L.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 17,887 other followers