The Adventures of Nash Splashdown, Space Explorer!

Stardate 5123.6: Have landed on uncharted planet. Sensors show breathable atmosphere, with high levels of chlorine. A pair of nearby life forms are engaged in a ritual chant to their gods “Marco” and “Polo.” Will observe discreetly before attempting first contact. Setting phasers on “bite”…

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“He hates to swim, but he loves his floaty!” says Redditor Sneaky_Giraffes.

Well, Somebody’s Not a Team Player

Translation: “Every day it’s the same blah-blah-blah from you losers back there! Well, listen up — everybody knows I’m carrying this chicken outfit, so put a sock in it!”

“We met this dog on a Spotify employee trip to Kiruna, Sweden,” says YouTuber Wells Johnson.

First Dog Treat I Ever Earned, Right Here

“Yee-up, back in oh-eight, I think it was. Left the litter and struck out on my own. Landed a job with a nice human — entry-level position, just basic cuteness. Feeling ambitious one day, so I give her the ‘soulful eyes’ look, toss in that little whimper that worked so well with Mom. Wellsir, darned if that human didn’t lean down and give me this. Proudest day of my life.”

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“Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce international ladies man and favorite pug about town, Jerry Lewis,” says Jules I. Froin-laaayvin!

High Five!

The winner of this year’s 10K Tinman Endurance BMX Race was greeted by a cheering crowd, fireworks, confetti cannons, a marching band, a congratulatory kiss from 2014 Miss Slippery Slope Saddle Soap, and of course the $5,000 prize.

The next morning, the last-place finisher arrived to a somewhat more subdued reaction…

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Meanwhile, in Colorado…

“So, is this the caption? I just, like, say whatever I want, and it goes into cyberspace? That is so cosmic, man — it’s like my thoughts are, like, going from my head into this, like, whole other dimension or something…”

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Via, like, Susan Andersen on, like, Facebook, like.

A Box? Really?

That’s the best you can do? It’s bad enough I have to put up with roommates, but this place is so… drab! Can’t we get some throw cushions in here? Maybe some nice curtains? That too much to ask?

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Christine F. says: “This is Pikichu, a jumbo Pekin hatched in my life science classroom.”

Something Fishy About That Guy…

To: Clovis Flapperton, Day Shift
From: Bitsy Snorfblatt, Human Resources
Subj: Issues with your work performance

It has come to our attention that your output is over 50 percent below average for your shift, and that since you joined us, there has been a dramatic increase in product loss. This last may be attributed to the fact that you are a sea lion, something you failed to disclose during your interview. While we at Forbush Fish Market would normally embrace such diversity, this deception coupled with the aforementioned performance issues leave us no choice but to terminate your employment.

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Aw, C’mon, Don’t Be Like That…

“It was just that one time. You know you’re my one and only, baby. That leg meant nothing to me, I swear. Besides, how was I to know it belonged to your boss?”

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Kaitlin F. explains: “I laid down yesterday and my mini golden doodle curled up against me, as usual, for a long nap. I tried my best to take the picture without waking him up!! His name is Dudley and he’s very lazy.”

Don Juan? More Like Don’t Want

“Oh, mah darl-leeng, ah must haff you…I zhall geef you zhe Leeck of Loff, zhe powerful technique romantique zhat no woman can ree-zeest…”

“ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”

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Modern Urban Legends

According to folklore, if you look into a mirror and chant “Oh-em-gee, I simply have to tweet a selfie of my face when Bieber dissed Solange on Ellen,” a naked imp will appear and attempt to knock some sense into you.

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“This is my eight month-old Sphynx, Ella. She is always, without fail, incessantly the center of attention,” says sender-inner Jenny S.

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