Once upon a time, there was a cat named Merwin who had a problem with dogs. No matter where he went, the dogs would snarl, and bark, and chase him. He just had that kind of face, I suppose. Dogs hated it. Go figure.
On one particularly strenuous day, in which Merwin had been chased across two counties, he took refuge in a Dumpster and lamented his fate. “Why, oh why,” he moaned, “don’t dogs like me?”
Just then, Merwin saw a strange blue light coming from a coffee can. “I’m the Fairy of Goodness and Justice,” said the can, “and I will grant you your heart’s one desire.” Merwin knew at once what he wanted. “Please, good fairy,” he pleaded. “Make me something that dogs will like.” And so the fairy turned him into a tree.
Later, the tree was turned into plywood, and the plywood was turned into a table, and the table was marked down at the twice-yearly Bargain Blowout Bonanza at Gary’s House of Unfinished Furniture, and that’s the unvarnished truth. The end.