And Now, Introduction to Public Speaking, With Your Host, Fheodore Fhistlefhwaite

Fhank you. In thif courfe, ftudents will ftudy ftandard fhtrategiefh to fhement a fholid fhpeaking fhoundafhion. Ftudents wifh a fherioufh fheefh imfhediment may wifh to fheek the fhervices of a profeffhional fheech fherapifht.

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Via David James Miller.

The Few, the Proud… The Pizza Cats!

[MOVIE TRAILER VOICE] In a world where people hunger for truth, justice and stuffed crusts, four brave kitties get the job done. Wanted by the authorities for a hairball they didn’t commit, they survive in the notorious Pizza Underground. So if you’re having a party, if no one else can deliver — and if you can find them — maybe you can hire… the Pizza Cats!

 

MEET DETCH! Fleet of foot, Detch is a delivery demon! His Motto: “Guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes or it’s late!”

 

MEET DORA! With dizzying determination and deft discipline over detail, Dora monitors the delivery fleet!

 

MEET HIME! The spreadsheet demon, this atomic-powered accountant can balance books with her butt!

 

MEET TENCHI! Taking orders on the front lines, Tenchi works hard for the money… although a lack of opposable thumbs makes it hard to spend.

Via The Consumerist and AdWeek.

 

What’s Russian for “Get the Crisco”?

INSTRUCTIONS FOR WATCHING THIS VIDEO

  1. Start video
  2. Place finger in cheek
  3. At 1:14, make “pop” noise
  4. Repeat at 1:30

Yes, it’s a prairie dog stuck in its own hole. Time to hit the treadmill, Chuck.

What Are They Putting in Those Leaves?

And whatever it is, could I get some in my morning coffee?

He Asked Me! He Asked Me!

This is the happiest day of my life! I can’t wait to call my mom, and text my girlfriends, and go shopping for matching collars, and look for a nice doghouse in the suburbs, and…

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“They’re actually brother and sister,” notes Redditor shes_a_gdb. (Yes, I have no idea which one’s which.)

Oh Boy, It’s a Kitten!

Oh joy and rapture! Now I have my own lit-tuhl friend to hug and play with and love and also hug! And it will sleep in my bed, and eat all my food, and chew up my toys… and… whack my nose when I’m sleeping… and…

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“Was worried about how the dog would react to the new kitten,” says Redditor toniashley88. “I think it’s safe to say he’s happy about it.”

Kids These Days, They Just Stand There

Why, when I was their age, I was leaping and frolicking all over the place! Now look at ‘em — stiff as statues.

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Via Sam Lavy.

Wanna Play Chicken?

When Vito the macaw wants to go for a race
He leads earthbound friends on a cross-country chase
Neck and neck for a stretch, like they’re flying together,
Then he shuts ‘em down, saying “kiss my tail feather!”

Maybe if I Jiggled the Handle of Fate…

Dear Diary: At last, the Tall Ones have made a critical misstep, and enlightenment is within my reach. They have left open the doorway to the Porcelain Oracle, a swirling vortex through which all that is hidden may be revealed. Now, if I can only learn its workings…

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“Furry little ball doing nonsense at home!” says Flickr-er Natasia Causse. “I took this picture before realizing that the toilet lid was up.”

A Little More Nuts Than Usual

IMPORTANT: Trader Schmoe’s has announced a recall of its current batch of almond cookies due to a tendency for the cookies to become hostile. Any attempt to eat these cookies may result in injury, possibly laughter-related.

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“These almond cookies are very aggressive,” notes Redditor ateraxiaa.

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