Also Starring a Juggling Elvis Impersonator on a Unicycle Who Plays Spoons

Next time you’re in Vegas, check out the hottest show in town: Wowie-Zowie! now showing nightly at the Schlockadero Hotel/Casino, just off the Las Vegas Strip (via 12-mile dirt side road)! Starring Vegas’ cutest showgirls and funniest animal performers (due to budget cuts, combined into one act)!

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“He wanted to be fruit salad so bad,” says Redditor _ByTeMe_.

It Looks So Easy in the Movies

“(… as we join Indiana Jones, he find himself surrounded by the savage Whitebird Tribe of the Kalahari! Deftly, our hero takes out his bullwhip, and with a mighty crack, he…  er, he… whoa, kinda hard to control this thing…)”

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Your Astral Journey Begins

As you breathe in the essences of ginger root, lavender, and Pine-Sol, your body relaxes and prepares for the projection. Next, you hear the ancient hymn of yoth’kaBleen, summoning the Ancient Spirits. Once you wear the Sacred Petals, other dimensions will unfold. Perhaps you will see mountains of pure aluminum. A menswear shop in Boise. Caesar’s Palace. No, the one in Rome. For each seeker, the journey is unique and wonderful.

Gorilla Your Dreams

Hello, ladies. It is I, Shabani. It is said that Shabani is handsome. Very handsome. Women come to see Shabani at the zoo where Shabani lives. The piercing, thoughtful gaze of Shabani flutters their hearts. Or rustles their jimmies. One of those. Shabani is not sure.

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But the women know Shabani is not just handsome. Shabani is kind. Shabani cares for his children. Shabani loves children. They are delicious.

Shabani is a 18 year old male gorilla at Higashiyama Zoo and Botanical Garden. The "handsome" gorilla is super popular with young ladies and families. Zoo officials tell CNN that he got the stardom after the netizens started to tweeting and FBing about his handsome photo used for its spring festival posters in April.

Alas, the women, they cannot know Shabani’s heart. Shabani is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, stuffed into a banana only Shabani can peel. Shabani is distant. Lonely. Shabani can only refer to himself in the third person. That is how lonely he is.

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C.O. Backyard Decorating Tips

A hummingbird feeder can be a wonderful addition to any backyard. The ability to feed and observe one of Nature’s most amazing creatures can bring tranquility to any summer afternoon. However, if the feeder is not properly located, it can attract unwanted insects, such as the horse-fly.

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Via Reddit.

If You See the Cabana Boy, I’d Like an Ouzo

Meet Argyro, a Mediterranean monk seal who’s made herself right at home on the beach at Samos Island in Greece. According to Reddit and this article (which is Greek to us), Argyro crawled up one day and flopped into a beach chair, which has now been, ahem, sealed off just for her use.

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First, We Wear Our Scrunchies…

… and then we eat our munchie-crunchies! OM NOM NOM NOM

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“Their ears kept getting in their food,” explains Redditor Bigfoots cousin.

That’s Bucking Insane

I never really felt like a dog, y’know? Even when I was a pony — I mean, a puppy, I knew something wasn’t right. I was really a horse trapped in a dog’s body: A bronco — a bucking bronco, the one in the herd no cowboy could tame. I’d stand alone at the top of a hill, my mane blowing in the wind, staring down each new recruit like a challenge: You think you got what it takes, cowpoke? Well, saddle up and hang on! Heeyah! Yip! Yip!

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Via Artis Pupins.

I Ain’t Going Nowhere Until She Uses the Crevice Attachment

FACT: Unsightly cat hair can damage delicate and expensive computer equipment. Protect your investment with the CuteCo CatVac 3000™! (Note: For stubborn build-up, ask the cat hair to get up and leave first.)

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Try Mega-Gro Plant Food!

Add “boom” to your bloom in every room! Only Mega-Gro has the added ingredient Blayvin-35, for roses that radiate, tulips that triumph, and daisies that dazzle! You won’t believe your eyes!

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Via Alexander Lyubavin.

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