Poetry Time

How does the meadow flower its bloom unfold?

C'mere, wanna show you sumpin'

Because the lovely little flower is free

Dis mah spayshul place.

Down to its root, and, in that freedom, bold.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

From "A Poet! He Hath Put his Heart to School" by William Wordsworth

Photos of "Moses" by Hannah W.

Worst. Combover. EVAR.

"Do I have anything in my hair?  I’ve got something in my hair, don’t I?  I can’t see it — can you maybe, like, point to it or something?  Wait, are you pointing now?  Because I can’t see you.  Well, shoot, this isn’t working out."

It's still there, isn't it?

I have one word for you, Katherine S. — Supercuts.

When You Wish Upon a Pod

Once upon a time, in a faraway land called Borneo, where they filmed either Survivor or Gilligan’s Island, I always get those two mixed up, there was a Cuteologist named Maya A.  One fine day, as Maya was walking through a rainforest so mysterious and remote that it didn’t even have a Jamba Juice yet, she encountered one of the clever forest gremlins who disguised themselves as seed pods to avoid anthropologists and bill collectors.

No, I'm not Señor Wences.  I get that a lot.

Quick as a wink, Maya scooped him up.  "I will grant you three wishes," said the gremlin as he struggled, "but you must promise to release me, and give me a …

"C.O. EXTREME CLOSE-UP!!!!"

This is a close-up?!

"Whoa there, Spielberg — not that close.  Back it up a little."

Thanks for the sour persimmons, cousin.

"Yeah, that works.  Okay, back to the three wishes.  Naturally, there’s some fine print, so listen up:  First, no wishing for more wishes; I saw Aladdin too, smartypants, so don’t embarrass yourself.  Second, Pierce Brosnan’s married, so just deal with it.  And finally, if you wish for an iPhone, there’s a three-week wait plus an activation charge."

All rightie then, fellow cuteaholics — what would YOUR three wishes be?

What Really Happened to Yakky Doodle

"So I says to him, I says, it’s no skin off my beak how he runs his business, but he oughta be more careful flashin’ that money around or the Feds are liable to learn how he’s been cookin’ the books all these years, which will also come as a bit of a surprise to his wife, since it’s how he’s been paying off that stripper in Reno to keep her mouth shut … say, we’re kinda deep in the forest — are you sure this is the way to the Greyhound station?"

And what are you doing with that shovel?

You didn’t see nuttin’, Holly P.

The Something in the Something

To:     Meg
From: NTMTOM
Re:     Kitten Photos

Thank you so much for sharing the adorable photos of the kitten reclining in the baseball cap.  I quite concur, they are among the most charming I’ve ever seen, and I shall endeavor to post them as soon as possible.  But unfortunately, at the moment — and I find this a trifle embarrassing to admit — I seem to have the most damnable case of writer’s block.  Surely, I reason, there must be a pithy way to summarize this scene in my inimitable fashion — "The Feline in the Headgear," perhaps, or "The Calico in the Cap" — but alas, the harder I search for it, the more it eludes me.

Sheesh, is this idiot for real?

But nonetheless, I am undaunted. Perseverance is my life’s blood, and excelsior my motto.  If it takes me all evening, I shall craft a missive possessing of that elusive spark of wit your readers have come to expect.

Yeah, you do that, Shakespeare.

Thank you for playing Stump the Writer, Amy Lee B.

[How about "The Tom in the Toque?" - Ed.]

Mrs. Gunderson Pauses to Reflect

"Oh, sure — he just wanted to show me his etchings, he said.  It would only take a few minutes, he said.  *sigh…*  I was happy once; I had a career, I had my figure, I went to parties every night.  And now look at me."

At least the 'only a few minutes' part was honest, grr...

What can I say, Jill?   We men are all alike.

At the Tuscadero State Asylum for Supervillains

"Exxxxxxxx-cellent!  My hypno-mind-control ray is almost complete.  The fools at the science academy, they all said that I was mad — MAD, I tell you!  But soon they ALL will bow down before me!  MWAH-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa!"

... and we can start with that orderly who keeps short-sheeting my bed.

Might want to up the dosage a little, Tiffany G.

It’s the Insanely Happy Dog Show!

Who’ll always smile and never frown?
It’s Insanely Happy Dog!
Who turns those sad days upside-down?
It’s Insanely Happy Dog!

Who’s a friend to every boy, girl and cat,
And no, his face didn’t get stuck like that,
He’s just happy to see you, so come on, let’s go,
It’s the Insaaaaaane-leeeeee
Haaaaa-peeeee Doooooooooooog
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!

pyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHap

The Insanely Happy Dog Show is a Tiffany G. Production.

C.O. Extreme Close-up!

They say that dachshunds are the most aggressive breed, and we think that’s what this is, although it could be an elk, a bear, a small asteroid, New Jersey — honestly, we’re not sure.

It's like, how much more black could this be?

And for those moments when the C.O. Extreme Close-up isn’t enough, it’s time to break out the …

And the answer is: None. None more black.

<<————————–
C.O. Extremely Extreme Close-up of Extremeness!
<<————————–

That nose goes to eleven, Jenn.

Obsequious, Yet Austere

NEW YORK — The Shreikmann Galleries are pleased to announce their acquisition of the latest work from master surrealist Eduardo "Pickles" Passollini.  Entitled Eternal Abyss of Sorrow and Nothingness, Number Seven (oil on canvas, $7,450), the piece continues Passollini’s fascination with the theme of Order versus Chaos, juxtaposing disorientingly random lines and colors with stern symbols of authority, once again the Giant Hand.

The piece will join other recent Passollini offerings, such as Swirling Vortex of Inescapable Suffering (mixed media, $12,500) and We’re All Doomed, It’s Hopeless, Somebody Just Kill Me Already (toothpaste on corrugated cardboard, $37,000).

I CAN HAS CUBISM?

I don’t know much about what I like, Johanna S., but I know about art.