No More Scary Movies For You, Dad

"It’s the same story every time we watch a Freddy or Jason movie:  You always say ‘I’m a big boy now, I can handle it,’ and by the time the picture’s over, you end up whimpering in my bed."

But I *swear* I can hear a chainsaw in the next room!

Looks like someone could use this handy How To Survive A Slasher Movie guide, JC.

The New Bird Clashes With Everything

"Mama’s little favorite, aren’t we?  I suppose you think you’re soooo much better than I am, just because you happen to match the furniture!"

Why, yes.  Yes, I am.

I think he really ties the room together, Kathy F.

Breaking News Bulletin!

NEW JERSEY—Bodyguards protect Percival Q. Gringflabble, alleged Mafia accountant, as he arrives at the Federal courthouse to testify against his employers.

BlackCatsWhiteDoll

Encore Presentayshe: I Really Like This Shoe Store…

…attentive service, classic styles—even in those hard-to-fit sizes, but what really sets them apart is their attention to detail.  I mean, those other stores just stuff the shoes with paper, for goodness sakes.

odor_eater

I’d like to see something in a size 10 marmie, Diane D.

Orwell That Ends Well

Oh, it seemed reasonable enough at the time; these things always do.  "Surveillance kitties," they called them.  Strictly for our protection, they said.

Every breath you take / Every move you make...

But it wasn’t long before they took over — Watching us everywhere, at all hours of the day and night…

Every step you take / Every cake you bake...

These days, you can’t even walk down to the mailbox without being asked to show your identification papers, or being patted down for tuna…

Every leaf you rake / Every booty you shake...

(sigh) I just don’t know what this world is coming to sometimes…

Every dandruff you flake / Every game of cribbage in which you partake...

Be seeing you, Melissa B.

You’ve Got a Bit of Teeth Stuck in Your Food, There

"Mrphth thmuph ig loorph flurghthing (munch, chomp) flr thrriff lurthph (ummm, smack) glurrtph hlurgh!"

... and, in conclusion, flurthph thrg mlurpth acth blurthppt!

"Ah, that’s better.  Does anyone have a moist towelette?"

That was the tastiest salad I ever disapproved of.

Sender-innered by "wondering," as in "I’m wondering what the heck that meant."

I Saw This in a Cartoon Once

"Dude, check it out:  First, I sit in the bowl for a while, and let the dog see me.  Then I get out, and the dog thinks I’m being baked into cookies!  (chuckle)  Stupid noob falls for it every — hey, what’s that whirring noise?"

INCOMING BLENDER AT THREE O'CLOCK!!

Timing is everything, Diane D.

Behold the Fearsome Predator

On the vast arid plains of the Serengeti, the silent and deadly jaguar awaits his prey.

jaguar_cub_slurp

Victim in sight, he creeps slowly forward, his mighty paw raised for the killing stroke… and then…

jaguar_cub_paw

WHUMP!  "Oh, hi boss!  I was just, ah… walking around the yard, minding my own business… you know, thinking about stuff… and definitely not stalking you, honest, I would never do that."

jaguar_cub_nose_boop

Rare jaguar cub born last year at Huachipa Zoo in Lima, Peru.  Details here.

My Private Torment

"I’ve tried to quit, honestly, I have.  Twelve-step programs, hypnosis, patches, pills, ointments, you name it.  But then I’ll be out with the boys at a party, and someone starts passing around a… a… chicken, and it starts all over again."

weimeraner_chick_lick

You’re such an enabler, Kathleen C.

Is it Spring Break Yet?

…now as you can see, if we conjugate the hypotenuse along the lateral preamble parallel to the esophagus, we can retract the dangling participle near the soliloquy of

WILL SOMEONE WAKE UP JENKINS!?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sender-innered by Da Megster her own baaaaaaaaaad self!