"Leroy, that’s too much tinsel on the left side … Somebody help Maybelle, she’s tangled up in the lights again … No, Betty-Bob, we can’t decorate the backside of the tree this year, because we just don’t have the — ornaments."
“Hey, sweetie, my friend here’s getting married on Tuesday, and we were wondering if you’d like to … hey, where you goin’? Aw, come on, honey, we just need you to pop out of a cake, that’s all!”
(OK, actual story: This nice lady visiting Japan gave the deer some of her bread — and promptly learned why that’s not such a good idea.)
Man, those were the days. You could get into Fenway Park for fifty cents back then, a Hershey bar was a nickel, and gasoline was only thirty cents a gallon, if you can believe that— and lemmie tellya, when I drove my Impala in for service, the crew gave me the royal treatment. Now, I gotta pump my own gas, sigh …
What’s the world coming to, Brinke G.?
"I gotta get outta this country, Bruce! The sunshine, the great surfing, the hot Sheilas — it’s all too perfect!"
"Bloody oath, Bruce! What’s the plan, then?"
"We hang out by the airport, hop in some luggage, and shoot through to America!"
"Good onya, Bruce! Minnesota, here we come!"
Some folks just can’t handle awesomeness, Dan B.
“Golly, pleased ta meet’cha, don’tcha know! My name is Gunderson, Betty Gunderson, and this is my husband, Laars, and we just moved into the house on the corner, and by gosh, this is such a great neighborhood, it sure is, I was just telling Laars how lucky we are to be here with the great schools and shopping and being off the main road away from the noise and all, and so what do you do for a living, then? Oh my goodness, well that’s just fascinating, say maybe you and the family wanna come over for dinner tonight, won’t be nothing fancy, just tuna hot dish and salad, and if you wanted to bring something, maybe you could bring over a little drawn butter and lemon, that would be just super, so we’ll see you at seven then?”
There goes the neighborhood, C. B.
All right, ladies! The Yuletide season is upon us, and that means plenty of holiday parties with cute guys, dark hallways — and lots and lots of mistletoe! Keep your lips lively this Christmas with these time-honored mistle-tips:
- Be casual. Don’t stand directly under the mistletoe; that looks desperate. Stand just enough to one side so that you look like you just happen to be there.
- Adopt a mysterious, far-away gaze, as if you were standing alone on a moonlit shore, yearning for your lover on the far horizon.
- Purse your lips ever so slightly — not too much to be obvious, but enough to encourage him to make that first move.
Thanks to the oh-so-kissable Ash for the instructional photos.
Friends, are you looking for an exotic pet for your family, but those sky-high pet store prices have you settling for hamsters? Then bring the kids down to Crazy Ernie’s Factory Seconds Discount Pet Warehouse and select from dozens of one-of-a-kind irregular and discontinued pets, all with a 30-day guarantee! You’ll find deals like this feller here — now, I don’t know how they did it, but they managed to get his head on sideways. It don’t bother him none; he gets around just fine, and he’s yours for 70% off the pet store price! Hurry down now, and I’ll throw in a starter pack of six-legged mice absolutely free!
This is the coolest idea since pet conversions, Johanna S.
"… and Stacie and me were at the mall just now, and we found the cutest little tops, I swear to God you’ll just die when you see them, and she told me that Rhonda told her that she overheard Rachel telling Becky that Rachel’s husband had to sleep on the sofa the entire week because it was her birthday and she was really looking forward to getting the diamond pendant she’d been hinting about all year, but instead he gives her this big ugly upright vacuum cleaner, I swear it looked like something out of Star Wars, and then Becky said that’s nothing, let me tell you about the time Brad bought her the edible underwear for their anniversary, and …"
The things we put up with, Dimitri P.