The New York Lottery Must Be Stopped

Not content to disrupt a peaceful slumber party, now those noisy goons from the New York Lottery are crashing a bucolic Bunday picnic at (what’s left of) Coney Island.  Have these people no sense of decency?

Wanna split a funnel cake Nathan’s hot dog, sbovio?  Theresa’s buying.

Wait—It’s Trick… Or Treat?

Since when do I have to choose?  I mean, speaking as a raccoon, we’re sort of accustomed to doing both at once.  Like knocking over your garbage cans to take all the yummy scraps; that sort of thing.

(Which reminds me: We’ll be smashing those pumpkins later, so just leave the beer and sandwiches on the step, thanks.)

See, that's called 'synergy.'  Do I have to explain *everything* to you people?

Secrets of Ethical Magic!

For longer performances, you may be required to have various animals secreted about your person for extended periods.  To ensure their comfort and well-being, always provide snacks just before going onstage.

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All Right… So She’s a Dog

MILAN — Stunned art historians announced today that their efforts to restore a priceless collection of 18th-century masterpieces have led to a shocking discovery:  Yelena Sylvania Potzi-Stroganoff, a Russian countess once believed to be the most beautiful woman in the court of Emperor Peter III, was in fact a real dog.

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OK, here’s the real deal: The portrait on the right is example of custom pet portraiture by Valerie Leonard, and you can see this and more on her site.

Bat One, You Are Clear to Drink, Over.

In this amazing Daily Mail article, nature photographer Kim Taylor rigged an entire batcave’s worth of gadgets just to capture these eeety-beety bat tongues as they skimmed his backyard pond.

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Terrific bat-find, Catalina S.

Day 13: Still No Sign of the Monster

As the expedition pauses at one of the many watering pools that dot this mysterious island, I note with some frustration that we are no closer to sighting the giant ape known to the natives only as Kong.  If there was only some clue…

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The Weed With Roots in Hell!

Concerned citizens!  Beware the growing scourge of our nation’s kitties: Pot addiction.  This desperate craving plunges innocent kitties into a nightmare of depravity, squandering their youth in so-called “pot parties.”  Parents, does your kitty have a pot habit?  Look for these warning signs:

  • Preference for squeezing into round spaces instead of boxes;
  • Furtively reading gardening magazines;
  • An involuntary twitching at the words mulch, sphagnum, and photosynthesis.

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Our thanks to upstanding citizen Leany A.

Meanwhile, at Radiant Life Yoga Center…

“… and so he staggers in, (streeetch!) after drinking with his buddies until two A.M., (urrnngh!) and just looks at me like ‘what’d I do?’ even though he knew (hrrrrmph!) it was the six-month anniversary of our first date.”

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“Listen, sweetie, (huff, puff) you need to stop being a (pant, pant) doormat and own this situation. (wheeeze)

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Namaste, Shana.

More Amazing Movie Magic!

Welcome back, film fans!  Time once again for a “sneak peek” at the secrets of Tinseltown.  Today we’re on the set of Cheapo Productions’ “Ultra Power Turtles III: The Quest for Pocket Lint” to watch our high-flying heroes actually take to the air!

How do they do it?  “Now, your big studios would dangle the stars from an expensive rig, and blot out the wires in post-production,” says “Turtles” director Steve Rancid.  “But we’re kinda strapped, so we just hold them up to the camera and make ‘whooshing’ noises.”

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Friday Haiku: What’choo Lookin’ At?

Stoic sentinels
See the long and short of it
Haiku their vision

3 dogs in a hatchback

Choo lookin’ at me, Kayla C.?

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