Technically, This Isn’t Stalking

Every time I see her, I just can’t look away.  I try to tell myself I’m over her, but then I see that face, those eyes… and that’s when I say to hell with the restraining order…


Here I am, my darling!  I’ve missed you so much — did you miss me, too?  I got so worried when you didn’t answer my last 47 letters that I just had to see you…


Wait, who’s this?  Not him again!  I thought I told you to stay away from him!  Can’t you see he’s no good for you?  He’ll never love you the way that I love you!  Never!


Yes, just the two of us now… Oh, my sweet, how I’ve longed for this moment to come once more… to gaze into those faraway eyes, to kiss those full pouting lips, ohhhharrghthphth hrrarghtphht slobber slobber mmmghpth hmrrphth…


Alllll rightie then, Julie O.

Friday Haiku: … And Don’t Feed Them After Midnight

A gruesome gremlin
Dredged from the depths to inspire
Your horror haiku



That looks like a three-towel job, Lorena C.

Mr. Stripey! Are You All Right?

Oh, noooooo! Mr. Stripey has fallen into the Pit of Ultimate Sorrow!  Don’t move, Mr. Stripey — I’ll be right back with a rope and a cable news crew!


Has “Smudge” met our resident hustler, Chris G.?

I Once Caught a Cat This Big

Aye-yup, caught this sucker ’bout twenny miles offa the Cape, coupla summers ago.  We was just ‘spectin’ ta catch a few Siamese, they like ta school out that way, ya know, but then I get this big tug on my line, damn near yanked me right offa the boat!

So Brian says it looks like an Orange Spotbelly, you hardly ever see them up this far North, and so I gotta reel it in careful-like, because my line ain’t rated for a cat that big, ya know.  An’ o’course it’s fighting me all the way, hissin’ an’ thrashin’ about an’ spittin’ hairballs like they do…

Well, we finally land the beast and head back for the docks so’s we can get it measured for the record books, and of course everybody’s gotta get their picture taken with the damn thing.  Anyway, that’s it over the mantel, f’ya don’t believe me.

I once caught a mouse THIS BIG!

Lauren B. notes that “William” was just one year old when this was taken, so we assume he’ll be visible from space before long.

A Cowham’s Lament

I’m an old cowham, just a-riding ’round the land
Got a toothpick in my mouth and a lasso in my hand
Gotta round up all the piggies, keep an eye out for the strays,
‘Cuz they’s orn’ry little critters, runnin’ every which-a-ways.

So it’s chase ‘em down and land ‘em, tie ‘em up and brand ‘em,
Some days ya gotta love ‘em, and others ya can’t stand ‘em.
Gotta drive ‘em cross the prairie, forty mile to get your pay,
Then we spend it all in town, chompin’ corn and brocc-a-lay…

Yo-de-layyyyyy… yee-haaaayyyy… de-hooooooo!


Guinea Pig Rodeo ~ Piórko & poor Balbinka by pyza*

I Am Zorgulon, Lord of Hummingbirds!

Earthlings beware! When I wear my Mask of HummingPower, I can communicate telepathically with these small yet deadly creatures, transforming them into an unstoppable army with which I shall conquer the world!  Soon, puny Earth creatures shall kneel before me, or such a poking you’re gonna get!  (Evil laughter!)


Knock-knock!  (Who’s there?)
Isabelle!  (Isabelle who?)
Isabelle broken or something?  How come I gotta knock?


Knock-knock!  (Who’s there?)
Annie!  (Annie who?)
Annie thing you can do, I can do better!


Knock-knock!  (Who’s there?)
Norma Lee!  (Norma Lee who?)
Norma Lee this is where I deliver the punchline!


Knock-knock!  (Who’s there?)
Toyota!  (Toyota who?)
Toyota be a law against bad knock-knock jokes!


There’s something fisheye going on here, Sanchia T.

This is an officially sanctioned Cute Overload “Knock-Knock Jokes” thread!

Like My New Perfume?

It’s called “Delirious,” essence of rotting leaves with just a hint of dead squirrel. The saleslady at Macy’s spritzed me with some, and I just had to have it!


Eau de humanity, Micah C.

Meanwhile, at the Jerry Lewis Safari Park and Nature Preserve…

Oh, look at the smiling people, they are making with the pointing at me and the clicking with the cameras, I — ahh, aaahhh… FNNURRPHHTTPHHTTHHT!

Owww, my nose made a loud bang and now there is a hurting and itchy feeling and the nice people are laughing at me, mooooommyyyyyyyyyy!

This Might Take a While

“Oh, that’s it, pal — I am so biting you!  You’re in for a chomping, mister!  Prepare yourself for the unforgiving wrath of my jaws, ’cause here it comes!  OK, I’m really gonna let you have it!  Just wait until I sink my fangs into your fuzzy little head, pencil-neck!  You’ll rue the day you were pollinated!  All right, no more practice chomps–it’s slobberin’ time! You want a piece of this, well do ya?  ‘Cause you’re gettin’ it!  Oh, don’t think I won’t do it!  Knock-knock!  Who’s there?  Biting!  Biting who?  Biting you, starting now! I really mean it this time!  You’re getting the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth!  The next thing you’re gonna taste will be the bittersweet kiss of calcium death, with a saliva chaser!  Oh, don’t even think about running away!  Stand up and take what’s eventually coming to you!”


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