A Vacation Horror Story

It was the worst Mardi Gras of Estelle’s life.

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For starters, she and her girlfriends hardly got any beads at all.

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And then the hotel overbooked and they had to huddle together outside.

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And worst of all, this place didn’t look anything like New Orleans.

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Photos by Ryan M., who isn’t quite sure how the kitties got those pearls.

No, You Really Didn’t See This Picture

This page never happened.  You didn’t see anything.  We were never here.

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(OK, before you flip out, note that the cat goes all the way to the bottom of the pitcher, which means that the blade unit is not installed.)

Oh, Red-and-White Stripey Object…

…thank you for being my soulmate. Before you entered my life, I’d tried them all: Round jingling thing that hides under the sofa, pink squeaking porcine animal replica, black clacking object that joins papers at one corner (actually, you really want to keep your tongue away from those things)…

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But they just don’t understand me the way you do, my diagonally alternating friend.  And that’s why this time it’s — dare I say it? — really love.  I love you more than any cat’s ever loved a hastily-manufactured red-and-white stripey cloth bag.

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That’s some serious sandpaper on that tongue, Nancy H.

Your Guide to Evil Marketing

Lesson Twelve: When confronted with a truly challenging sales assignment, such as a Ponzi scheme, or cans of chemical-laced swill, the savvy marketer will reach for his secret weapon: The cute puppy.

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Simply by placing a cute puppy in your advertisement, you will reduce the brains of your readers to a quivering puddle of Tapioca, rendering them helpless to your diabolical suggestions.

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Musssssst … haaaave … Pepsi, … Amber S.

What Is This, a G.I. Joke?

Hey, kid–do l look like a toy?  You see “Made in Taiwan” stamped on me, like I’m some kinda toy here to frickin’ amuse you?  Get a kung-fu grip, pal.  I’m not a taxi service for your little action figures, so tell Paratrooper Paul here to say “Geronimo”!

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Now, For Some Reason, a Snow Leopard

Woke up this morning and thought: “You know what I’d really like to see?  A baby snow leopard.  That’s what I’d like to see.  A snow leopard would be awesome.”

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No special occasion, really–just in the mood for a snow leopard, for some reason.  You know what they say: When you gotta have a snow leopard, you gotta have a snow leopard.  I’m just saying, that’s all, hum dee dumm, loot de dooo…

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Oh look!  There’s video, too!  Wait for the squeak at the end!

Photos and video by Tambako the Jaguar.

Friday Haiku: Outta the Pool, Fool

Fish are friends, not food
But frankly, felines and fins?
Far from a fine fit

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Tanks a million, Maria N.

Yes, Please

(… OK, play it cool now; let him keep dangling it for a bit… just wander past nonchalantly… look interested, but not too interested… then just casually stroll over and oh who the hell am I kidding I want it I want it give it to me it’s my birthright as an adorable woodland creature dammit it’s mine all mine!!!)

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Now I’m wondering what he’d do for a Klondike bar, Maria N.

Sneak in the Grass

Ensheathed within the dense jungle grasses, the deadly black mamba slithers undetected.  Silently, the cold-blooded killer glides closer to its quarry…

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… and with one lightning-quick thrust of its venomous… fangs, he..

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… never mind.

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Lethally cute, Jessica W.

Where’s the Fire?

Yee-up, I’m a big-time fireman, and this here’s my big-time fire boat.  Forty thousand gallons per minute of pure firefighting muscle, baby, right here.  Bring it.

So… got any fires you need put out?  Maybe a fleet we can welcome with our cannon?  ‘Cause me and my crew are totally ready… all right, just me, but still…

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Sent by Marshall B., who swears he just found the little feller sitting like that.