The Weed With Roots in Hell!

Concerned citizens!  Beware the growing scourge of our nation’s kitties: Pot addiction.  This desperate craving plunges innocent kitties into a nightmare of depravity, squandering their youth in so-called “pot parties.”  Parents, does your kitty have a pot habit?  Look for these warning signs:

  • Preference for squeezing into round spaces instead of boxes;
  • Furtively reading gardening magazines;
  • An involuntary twitching at the words mulch, sphagnum, and photosynthesis.

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Our thanks to upstanding citizen Leany A.

Meanwhile, at Radiant Life Yoga Center…

“… and so he staggers in, (streeetch!) after drinking with his buddies until two A.M., (urrnngh!) and just looks at me like ‘what’d I do?’ even though he knew (hrrrrmph!) it was the six-month anniversary of our first date.”

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“Listen, sweetie, (huff, puff) you need to stop being a (pant, pant) doormat and own this situation. (wheeeze)

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Namaste, Shana.

More Amazing Movie Magic!

Welcome back, film fans!  Time once again for a “sneak peek” at the secrets of Tinseltown.  Today we’re on the set of Cheapo Productions’ “Ultra Power Turtles III: The Quest for Pocket Lint” to watch our high-flying heroes actually take to the air!

How do they do it?  “Now, your big studios would dangle the stars from an expensive rig, and blot out the wires in post-production,” says “Turtles” director Steve Rancid.  “But we’re kinda strapped, so we just hold them up to the camera and make ‘whooshing’ noises.”

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Friday Haiku: What’choo Lookin’ At?

Stoic sentinels
See the long and short of it
Haiku their vision

3 dogs in a hatchback

Choo lookin’ at me, Kayla C.?

Bacon Got Back

I like pig butts and I cannot lie,
You other animals can’t deny
When the pigs walk in with those double-decker ‘tocks
I go “squee” when I see them hocks…

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Oh, Sarah L. we wanna get wit’cha / ’cause we like yo pit’cha!

The Cliché Hollywood Nightmare Scene

It begins with a grating chord of violins; the camera creeps in slowly…

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The subject twists in agony, as thoughts from the subconscious bubble to her lips…

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The violins screech up and down like angry bees; the subject’s writhing becomes more and more desperate, until she can stand it no longer, AND –

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GGHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! She bolts upright and stares into the camera!

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Pass the popcorn, Katelyn D.

Those Three Little Words

I mean, yeah, it was cute at first, when the relationship was just getting started, and there’d be this giddy rush to be the one to say it first, you know, because it felt so good to hear it come back at you…

But lately, it’s not the same.  He says it, and then she says it, and then they both say it, so I feel like I gotta say it, and it just turns into a call-and-response thing…

We like you, Ellen M., but we don’t “like you” like you.

Hi, I’m the New Monster Under Your Bed

Yes, moved in last Thursday. Still living out of the boxes; ach, such a mess, don’t get me started. Anyhoo, just wanted to pop up and say hello, and I promise to start terrorizing you as soon as possible, but we’re so busy right now what with the change-of-address cards and getting our youngest into kindergarten.

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“Chloe” looks like an extra from “Monsters, Inc.,” Danielle.

I Think Stephen Colbert Hacked This Post

Samantha and Honey Bear, sittin’ in a tree!
Kay-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-Enn-GEE!
First comes love, then comes marriage,
Then comes a baby in a baby carriage the blood-curdling screams of AGONY at the razor-sharp claws of a godless KILLING MACHINE!!!1!  AUUUGGGHHH!!!

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Snorgling machine is more like it, Samantha B.

Tonight, Make It a Floofmann’s Night

For the special times—when only the best will do—reach for the hamster trusted by more families than any other: Floofmann’s Canned Ham.

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That’s because Floofmann’s chooses only the freshest, proshest hams, with 30 percent more ‘tocks,* picked at their peak of redonku-liciousness.

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And now, so that you may savor the jaw-dropping cleverness:

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* Do we even want to know how you got 30% more ‘tocks, Julie and Ron?

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