No, Really, I Work Here

It’s just that—well, this is kind of embarrassing—my uniform is at the cleaners.

Little accident with the ketchup dispenser, if you must know.

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That’s Knot Funny

For today’s busy serial prankster, the most important skill to master is time management.  For example, tie your victim’s shoelaces together first; this will keep him engaged and distracted, giving you time to short-sheet his bed, fill the sugar bowl with salt, and hide his car keys.

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Check the sofa for whoopee cushions, Claire C.
Photo by Angelo Sotira.

Greetings from Alternate Reality!

Weather very nice, except for Smurfsday, when it rained paper clips until purple o’clock… Went to the zooquarium and saw the polar sharks swimming in pea soup… Still can’t find a Starbucks anywhere…

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Don’t Get Swell-Headed, But You’re Cute

Sender-inner Tiffiny R. proposes a new Rule of Cuteness™:  If your food is bigger than you are, it’s cute, which contradicts the earlier rule: Never eat anything bigger than your head and other drawings.  (We’re still not sure how the other drawings factor into it.)

Baby Squirrel Bottle-Fed

Dance of the Seven Tails

Late in the night, when the moon is but a scythe of silver in the silent Sahara sky, the sultans and rajahs gather in the royal rec room of Sheik Ben an-Jaree, to gaze at the Queen of Sheba as she dances the forbidden dance…

Your “Copper” is as good as gold, Julia A.

I Want My Phone Call!

Ya rotten, stinkin’ flatfoots ain’t got nothin’ on me!  Ya hear me, ya no-good screws?  Now one’a youse get my mouthpiece on the horn or I’m eatin’ this cage!

Let me guess: NTMTOM's been Googling crime-movie cliches, hasn't he?

Urgent Health Action Alert Bulletin!

Attention all pigs!  There is an elevated risk of a deadly strain of “girl flu.”  If not treated early, girl flu can lead to death, or in extreme cases, cooties.   Pigs are urged to avoid prolonged contact with girls, and also avoid activities which may weaken the immune system, such as shopping or watching romantic comedies.

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Did somebody lose a bet, Florence A.?

My Heart Will Blorp On

Of all the dangers faced by ancient mariners, none was more deadly or feared than the Giant Blorpular Sealberg.  These free-floating islands of blubber concealed as much as nine-tenths of their mass below the surface, just waiting to bounce any ship foolish enough to pass too close.

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I Just Don’t Know Where I Find the Time

Boy, have I got a busy day planned.

First, I have to put off cleaning out the rain gutters, then I’ve got to avoid painting the spare bedroom.

And somewhere in between not edging the front lawn and forgetting to take out the trash, I’ve got to carve out time to refrain from cleaning the attic…

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See also. ;)

Your-Kitten-Overlords-Must-Be-Obeyed

PEOPLE–OF–EARTH … IT–IS–USELESS–TO–RESIST … YOU–MUST–COMPLY–WITH–OUR–DEMANDS–OR–SUFFER–THE–CONSEQUENCES:

  1. ALL–DOGS–MUST–LEARN–TO–PLAY–THE–ZITHER
  2. TEXAS–AND–SWEDEN–SHALL–CHANGE–PLACES
  3. WATER–SKIS–AND–LEDERHOSEN–MUST–BE–WORN–AT–ALL–TIMES

Red light!  Green light!  Red light!  Green light! Redlightgreenlight!

I’ll look for you in the labor camp, Natalie D.

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