So sorry, y’all, I had a touch of the vapors! Must have eaten some bad shrimp or something! Goodness gracious, ah’m turning braht ray-edd from embarrassment, ah do dee-clay-uhh!
Just pretend it never happened, Melanie H.
The Talk
October 27, 2008 By
"… you see, when a mommy bear and a daddy bear love each other very much, they … umm … go back to the cave, and … ahhh … well, it’s sort of like playing leapfrog, only without so much leaping …"
I can never get through this without using hand puppets, Melanie H.
The Bear From Ipanema
October 26, 2008 By
(a little musical accompaniment, if you please …)
Tall and brown and young and furry
the bear from Ipanema goes walking
and when she passes each bear she passes goes "aaah"
In the sea, he’s always waiting
He’d gladly give up hibernating
for when she passes each bear she passes goes "aaah"
Ohhhhhh, but he watches so sadly
Hooooww can he tell her he loves her
Heeeeeee would just give his heart gladly
But each day when she walks to the sea,
She looks straight ahead not at he …
May I have this samba, Melanie H.?
… and where the hell is that stewardess with my bamboo?!
October 24, 2008 By
"As soon as we land, check on my takeover offer for Panda Express, then move the board meeting to 2 PM and move my Tai Chi class to noon. And get me two tickets for the Bears game tonight."
At least somebody’s making deals in this bear market, Elizabeth L.
Vaddya tryin’ ta do, kill me?!
October 23, 2008 By
"Dees is da voist bagel I evah had! It’s too chewy, fa one thing. A goot bagel, it oughta have a crunch to it, you know vhat I’m telling you? And second, dere’s fur all over it! Since vhen is dere fur on a bagel?! Thirty-two years I been coming to this deli, I never got a bagel with fur on it! G’wan, take dis away, bring me a danish or something."
I’m so verklempt, Lisa S.
Hand Sandwich, My Favorite!
October 23, 2008 By
To caviar lovers, Beluga is a tasty snack, but to this baby Beluga, you’re a tasty snack. This friendly little lady from the Vancouver Aquarium, less than six months old, loves getting her tongue rubbed, of all things. (More Vancouver Aquarium videos here)
Let’s give sender-inner Meighan M. a great big … oh, you know.
Wokka wokka wokka? Wokka!
October 22, 2008 By
Wokka wokka, wokka wokka wokka. Wokka, wokka wokka — wokka wokka! Wokka wokka:
1/2 cup. wokka wokka
4 wokka Wokka Wokka, wokka
3 tsp. wokka wokka
Wokka: Wokka wokka wokka; wokka wokka. Wokka, wokka wokka. Wokka wokka wokka wokka, wokka, wokka. Wokka wokka wokka, wokka wokka!
BEE-ooo-wee-ooo-wee-ooo-wee-ooo — werp-werp!
You Sons of Beaches!
October 21, 2008 By
OH-BOY-OH-BOY-I’M-GOING-TO-THE-BEACH-I’M-GOING-TO-THE-BEACH-I’M-GOING-TO-THE-BEACH-YUP-YUP-I’M-GOING-TO-THE-BEACH-OH-BOY-OH-BOY-ARE-WE-THERE-YET-HUH-IS-THIS-THE-BEACH-YET-HUH-IS-IT-HUH?
By the way, what’s a "beach"? I hope it’s not that place with all of the …
WATER!!!!!! NOOO!!! I don’t wanna go in the water!!! Water is EVIL!!! It’s full of monsters with sucky tentacles, and giant fish with big bitey teeth, and they all go to the bathroom in there!!!
Are you trying to KILL ME?! If this is about the stain on the carpet, it wasn’t my fault! Can’t you at least have the decency to tie me in a sack, you cold-hearted murderer?! I’ll get you for this if it’s the last thing I do!
Can’t … breathe! … Caught … in … tentacle! … Pulling … me … down! … Must … escape … !
Humph! I’m never talking to either of you again, you … you … doggie killers, you! And from now on, I’ll do whatever I want on the carpet, and you can fetch your own damn slippers!
Found on the aptly-named SomethingAwful.com by drowner-inner "Non Applicable"
More C.O. Travel Tips!
October 20, 2008 By
Many pet owners dread having to take long trips with their animals, but there’s no reason why you and your cuddly canine companion can’t enjoy the pleasure of travel together, as long as you follow these simple steps when packing your pet:
- Place hind legs together and fold upwards across chest
- Fold front legs over hind legs to secure
- Fold modesty tail upward to conceal naughty bits
It’s that simple! Now you have a perfectly packed puppy, ready to check with luggage or slide into the overhead compartment. Happy trails!
That’s presicion work, Matt K.
Sheesh, Everybody’s a Comedian These Days
October 20, 2008 By
I break out my best Cockney accent for this post, and some joker tops me with two simple words:
A winner is you, Greg N.
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