Like My New Perfume?

It’s called “Delirious,” essence of rotting leaves with just a hint of dead squirrel. The saleslady at Macy’s spritzed me with some, and I just had to have it!

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Eau de humanity, Micah C.

Meanwhile, at the Jerry Lewis Safari Park and Nature Preserve…

Oh, look at the smiling people, they are making with the pointing at me and the clicking with the cameras, I — ahh, aaahhh… FNNURRPHHTTPHHTTHHT!

Owww, my nose made a loud bang and now there is a hurting and itchy feeling and the nice people are laughing at me, mooooommyyyyyyyyyy!

This Might Take a While

“Oh, that’s it, pal — I am so biting you!  You’re in for a chomping, mister!  Prepare yourself for the unforgiving wrath of my jaws, ’cause here it comes!  OK, I’m really gonna let you have it!  Just wait until I sink my fangs into your fuzzy little head, pencil-neck!  You’ll rue the day you were pollinated!  All right, no more practice chomps–it’s slobberin’ time! You want a piece of this, well do ya?  ‘Cause you’re gettin’ it!  Oh, don’t think I won’t do it!  Knock-knock!  Who’s there?  Biting!  Biting who?  Biting you, starting now! I really mean it this time!  You’re getting the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth!  The next thing you’re gonna taste will be the bittersweet kiss of calcium death, with a saliva chaser!  Oh, don’t even think about running away!  Stand up and take what’s eventually coming to you!”

Friday Haiku: Gotta Have My Pops!

Sweetness meets sweetness
Will your haiku stay crunchy
Even within milk?

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Dig ‘em, Megan G.  (No, wait, that’s Smacks.)

Here Comes the ‘Tock Patrol!

Marching up the street, on flat and webby feet,
Here comes the ‘Tock Patrol!
Wiggling their ‘tocks, in kinky knee-length socks,
Look out!  They’re on a roll!

Gosling tocks

The bravest of the brave, no mission they’ll decline,
It’s action that they crave, no behind left behind!
Victory is their motto, Adventure is their goal,
They’re the geese of the ‘Tock Patroooool!

Serious gosling tocks

Now drop and give me twenty, Ryan W.!

It’s Time for Benny’s TV Playhouse!

Hey there, kids!  Welcome to my super-fun TV playhouse!  All my favorite TV pals are here, like Bucky Bear, and Sally the White Object That Might Be a Bunny (I think she passed out on the swing set)!

And you’re just in time to see me hop on my flying carpet and travel …

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To the moon! OK, here I am on the moon… The lunar surface is really bumpy…

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… and it smells just like fabric softener!  Oh, well, as long as I don’t meet up with any scary moon monsters I should be…

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… fine.

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Benny’s TV Playhouse is a Jess E. Production!  Benny trained by Jess E.!  Sets designed by Jess E.!  Benny designed by Benny’s mom and dad!  Photos by Jess E. and Jess E.’s Mom!  Executive Senior Script Consultant, NTMTOM!  Fake moon landing set by NASA (I knew it)!  See’ya next week, kids, YAAAAAY!!!

How to Survive a Slasher Movie

Rule 1: Don’t Go Upstairs.  Serial killers love to hide in attics, belfrys, cupolas — anyplace that can be reached by a long, slow climb up an endless flight of stairs.

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We traced the calls, Cheng L. — they’re coming from inside the house!!

We Glare—Because We Care!

Are other peoples’ freedoms too much to handle?  Then turn to Outrage, Inc., your one-stop source for manufactured outrage!  Choose from a variety of specialized tantrums, or try our general-purpose “I’m Mad As Hell” package:

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Want to be the death of the party?  Our “Gloom and Doom” package will show you time-tested secrets to help you bring down any room in seconds!

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Need to look down on others?  Our “TechnoSnob” package will teach you the secret catchphrases that will make you sound just like a jaded expert!

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So stop feeling irrelevant and ignored!  Call Outrage, Inc. today, and start getting the attention you think you deserve!

Photos: Sad Scottish Fold by Stephanie R., flickr fan by BeccaG

C.O. Moving Tips

When packing your cute creatures for a cross-country move, be sure to wrap them in several layers of shock-absorbent packaging. Using a sock, as shown here, will protect Teh Qte from bumps and bruises without the use of wasteful plastics.

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San Diego will make a nice change from Maine, Kendra H.

The New York Lottery Must Be Stopped

Not content to disrupt a peaceful slumber party, now those noisy goons from the New York Lottery are crashing a bucolic Bunday picnic at (what’s left of) Coney Island.  Have these people no sense of decency?

Wanna split a funnel cake Nathan’s hot dog, sbovio?  Theresa’s buying.