A Cowham’s Lament

I’m an old cowham, just a-riding ’round the land
Got a toothpick in my mouth and a lasso in my hand
Gotta round up all the piggies, keep an eye out for the strays,
‘Cuz they’s orn’ry little critters, runnin’ every which-a-ways.

So it’s chase ‘em down and land ‘em, tie ‘em up and brand ‘em,
Some days ya gotta love ‘em, and others ya can’t stand ‘em.
Gotta drive ‘em cross the prairie, forty mile to get your pay,
Then we spend it all in town, chompin’ corn and brocc-a-lay…

Yo-de-layyyyyy… yee-haaaayyyy… de-hooooooo!

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Guinea Pig Rodeo ~ Piórko & poor Balbinka by pyza*

I Am Zorgulon, Lord of Hummingbirds!

Earthlings beware! When I wear my Mask of HummingPower, I can communicate telepathically with these small yet deadly creatures, transforming them into an unstoppable army with which I shall conquer the world!  Soon, puny Earth creatures shall kneel before me, or such a poking you’re gonna get!  (Evil laughter!)

Knock-Knock!

Knock-knock!  (Who’s there?)
Isabelle!  (Isabelle who?)
Isabelle broken or something?  How come I gotta knock?

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Knock-knock!  (Who’s there?)
Annie!  (Annie who?)
Annie thing you can do, I can do better!

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Knock-knock!  (Who’s there?)
Norma Lee!  (Norma Lee who?)
Norma Lee this is where I deliver the punchline!

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Knock-knock!  (Who’s there?)
Toyota!  (Toyota who?)
Toyota be a law against bad knock-knock jokes!

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There’s something fisheye going on here, Sanchia T.

This is an officially sanctioned Cute Overload “Knock-Knock Jokes” thread!

Like My New Perfume?

It’s called “Delirious,” essence of rotting leaves with just a hint of dead squirrel. The saleslady at Macy’s spritzed me with some, and I just had to have it!

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Eau de humanity, Micah C.

Meanwhile, at the Jerry Lewis Safari Park and Nature Preserve…

Oh, look at the smiling people, they are making with the pointing at me and the clicking with the cameras, I — ahh, aaahhh… FNNURRPHHTTPHHTTHHT!

Owww, my nose made a loud bang and now there is a hurting and itchy feeling and the nice people are laughing at me, mooooommyyyyyyyyyy!

This Might Take a While

“Oh, that’s it, pal — I am so biting you!  You’re in for a chomping, mister!  Prepare yourself for the unforgiving wrath of my jaws, ’cause here it comes!  OK, I’m really gonna let you have it!  Just wait until I sink my fangs into your fuzzy little head, pencil-neck!  You’ll rue the day you were pollinated!  All right, no more practice chomps–it’s slobberin’ time! You want a piece of this, well do ya?  ‘Cause you’re gettin’ it!  Oh, don’t think I won’t do it!  Knock-knock!  Who’s there?  Biting!  Biting who?  Biting you, starting now! I really mean it this time!  You’re getting the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth!  The next thing you’re gonna taste will be the bittersweet kiss of calcium death, with a saliva chaser!  Oh, don’t even think about running away!  Stand up and take what’s eventually coming to you!”

Friday Haiku: Gotta Have My Pops!

Sweetness meets sweetness
Will your haiku stay crunchy
Even within milk?

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Dig ‘em, Megan G.  (No, wait, that’s Smacks.)

Here Comes the ‘Tock Patrol!

Marching up the street, on flat and webby feet,
Here comes the ‘Tock Patrol!
Wiggling their ‘tocks, in kinky knee-length socks,
Look out!  They’re on a roll!

Gosling tocks

The bravest of the brave, no mission they’ll decline,
It’s action that they crave, no behind left behind!
Victory is their motto, Adventure is their goal,
They’re the geese of the ‘Tock Patroooool!

Serious gosling tocks

Now drop and give me twenty, Ryan W.!

It’s Time for Benny’s TV Playhouse!

Hey there, kids!  Welcome to my super-fun TV playhouse!  All my favorite TV pals are here, like Bucky Bear, and Sally the White Object That Might Be a Bunny (I think she passed out on the swing set)!

And you’re just in time to see me hop on my flying carpet and travel …

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To the moon! OK, here I am on the moon… The lunar surface is really bumpy…

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… and it smells just like fabric softener!  Oh, well, as long as I don’t meet up with any scary moon monsters I should be…

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… fine.

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Benny’s TV Playhouse is a Jess E. Production!  Benny trained by Jess E.!  Sets designed by Jess E.!  Benny designed by Benny’s mom and dad!  Photos by Jess E. and Jess E.’s Mom!  Executive Senior Script Consultant, NTMTOM!  Fake moon landing set by NASA (I knew it)!  See’ya next week, kids, YAAAAAY!!!

How to Survive a Slasher Movie

Rule 1: Don’t Go Upstairs.  Serial killers love to hide in attics, belfrys, cupolas — anyplace that can be reached by a long, slow climb up an endless flight of stairs.

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We traced the calls, Cheng L. — they’re coming from inside the house!!