A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks him, "olive or twist?"
A five-dollar bill walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Get out, this is a singles bar!"
C’mon, let’s hear your best one-liners in the Comments…
Good afternoon, sports fans! Well, this is it: The granddaddy of them all, the brass ring, the game for all the marbles — the Super Bowl. And with it comes the time-honored Super Bowl traditions; first, dressing up the pets so they can share in all the Super Bowl excitement!
And if that’s not thrilling enough, it’s time once again for the Animal Planet Puppy Bowl! Here are highlights from last year’s action-packed game!
Thanks to Chief Sister Officer for the Steelers pet pics!
Here at The Cute Overload Music Depreciation Society, we help our students cultivate a refined ear for all forms of music, from opera…
… to classic Delta Blues.
Sender-inner Carrie L. found these pictures of "Stache" on a message board. Either Stache has had a little mishap with a Magic Marker, or that is one devastatingly delicate mustache. And it reminds me of somebody, but I’m not sure who…
Now, my left brain, the logical, analytical half that tells me to store my ATM receipts in chronological order for future reference, thinks that he looks like genius supersleuth Hercule Poirot.
But my right brain, the random, creative half that tells me to run through the mall wearing nothing but body paint and ostrich feathers and singing the Oscar Meyer wiener jingle, thinks he looks like surrealist painter Salvador Dali.
So I leave it to you, peeps — which half is right? Vote below!
Ace Cuteologist Lisa M. writes us with a problem: "I have such a hard time studying at school because our campus is overrun with buns!" she tells us. "Seriously, I never get tired of seeing the buns, and I think my GPA has dropped a few points because of them, but it’s worth it to see these guys every day!" We should all have such problems.
In the Best Picture category: Wuthering Plains, the heart-wrenching story of doomed lovers Catherine (Redonkuletta deMille) and Heathcliff (Rock Proshman), joined by a passion they can never share. Academy Voters: Your membership card entitles you to free admission plus box of Kleenex at any performance.
And the winner is: And the Oscar goes to: Eric V.
Welcome, sports fans! And going first in the "Freestyle Toss Up" category is Pickle, catching some righteous airtime as she soars over the stadium! Way to work those ears, Pickle!
… and up next is Seitan, rockin’ it with a perfect 90-degree mid-air twist! Radical!
… and finally, we have Seymore, who’ll be attempting a gnarly double back-flip followed by… Whoa! Seymore misses the target completely and heads right into the stands! Oh, that’s gonna be some points off — bummer, Seymore!
And now it’s over to Irene for the post-game wrap-up!
… all right then, so that’s four endless bowls of milk, three cars that let you catch them, one Godlike Mastery over Space and Time, and a chew toy. Will there be anything else?
What’s your dream order, Andrea B.?
In our last chapter of the adventures of Benson Hedges, Private Eye, our hero tracked down the notorious crime boss, “Squeaky” Lowenstein. Can Benson make this hardened criminal quack under questioning? Tune in for the next thrilling episode!
Remember, no enhanced interrogation techniques, Kate G.
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