Your Guide to Being a Criminal

Part Seven: How to Be Interrogated

If you have heeded this guide thus far, your fledgling criminal career should proceed on solid footing. Alas, even the best-laid plans sometimes fail, and you may find yourself in police custody, forced to undergo a process called interrogation.

In these moments, it is paramount to remain calm, composed, and most of all, do not volunteer information that may be used against you. Provide short yes-or-no answers to the detectives’ inquiries, as demonstrated in the video below.

And where were you the night the toilet paper was shredded, Arlo R.?

The Human Cat Perch!

Laaaadeeez annnn gennelmen! The Snorgling Brothers Circus is proud to present the fearless flying feline who will leap in one amazing bound onto the Turban of Terror as the daring damsel does deeds of death-defying dental dexterity!

Thanks to the sensational sender-innering skills of Arlo R.!

Ah, the “Terrible Twos”

Um, Jeffy? Sweetie? I know you’re going to be a big boy soon, but don’t you think you’d be happier using the kiddie hydrant — just for the time being?

Says Lauryn D.: “One day we were going on a walk, and since I carry my camera around with me wherever I go, when he went to sniff the fire hydrant, I called out his name, and snapped a photo. And I got this perfect and hilarious picture of him!”

Ducky See, Ducky Do

Neill S writes: “My girlfriend and I were at the Phoenix Zoo and saw the funniest thing. We were looking at the flamingos and noticed a duck that was trying his hardest to be one himself! He kept trying to balance on one foot (with a little difficulty.) He also kept checking to make sure he was doing it right.”

Little Orphan Angelo

Born on a truck headed for a slaughterhouse, Angelo was on his way to lamb-chop Heaven when a sharp-eyed passerby begged the driver to set him free. Now in the care of Farm Sanctuary, he’s a sproinging, munching, pig-sniffing bundle of joy.

Video provided by Farm Sanctuary.

I appreciate the thought…

Really, I do; it’s a very stylish sweater. Matches my eyes and everything. It’s just that (gasp!) it’s just a (wheeze!) skosh too tight, is the problem.

Gee, it looked bigger in the pattern book, Lily C.

Ground floor: Housewares, cat toys…

… wind-up mousies, jingling-bell balls, catnip rolling papers, invisible things only cats can see, scratching posts… Watch your step, please…

Cat-a-vator technology has certainly improved since the old days:

Congratulations, it’s a kitteh

So much cleaner and quieter than those yucky human babies, and when it’s a teenager, it’ll never come home from school covered in tattoos and piercings.

Says proud mama Melissa C., “This is Bimmer the day we brought him home from the shelter.”

Breaking News Bulletin Alert Thingie!

We interrupt our regular cuteness for this breaking story: A hamster has barricaded itself inside a roll of paper towels outside the Acme Wood Shavings factory.

The hamster’s motives are unclear at this time, but police fear there may be hostages involved. A SWAT negotiator is attempting to talk to the hamster now.

And we’re getting word now that the hamster is asking for food to be sent in, which means these negotiations could drag on well into the evening…

And now the negotiator is delivering a slice of apple to the hamster…

And we’re being told that the hamster has passed out! Yes, the magic SWAT apple did the trick, and so the crisis is over! Now back to Meg and Theo in the studio!

Our thanks to freelance cute-porter Sophie R. for these dramatic images.

It’s like a fluffy little oracle

If, on some placid afternoon, you hear a faint mewing while cleaning the attic, or rummaging through old clothes, then go to it at once, dear reader, for you are fated to discover… The Mysterious Psychic Talking Kitten Head of the Himalayas!

According to legend, those whom the Kitten Head finds worthy are blessed with a random stream of sage wisdom and visions of the future…

Is there an “off” switch, Jenny M.?

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