A Public Service Appeal

The recession has touched every level of society, from the poor to the very poor — but none have suffered more than our nation’s trolls. Once, every troll lived under his very own bridge, but today, many endure squalid, crowded living conditions.

But you can help. Your tax-deductible donation to The Save the Trolls Foundation provides vital housing assistance, allowing trolls to lead lives of dignity once more.

Please give, Christine C.

It Takes One to Know One

Sure, he acts like a gentleman, but could your blind date really be — a rat?! Find out fast with the Bad Date Detector™ from CuteCo! The BDD sits discreetly on your shoulder, warning you of any rat-like behavior. Don’t get stuck again — Order now!

Adeline’s got your back, Tara G.

Time for the C.O. Traffic Report

Tom Nom here in CuteCopter One… We’ve got slow-and-go lemmings backed up on the Ocean Blvd. exit… Three-kitten pileup, clearing on the northbound I-92… And we’re getting reports of a big-rig stuck in the tunnel, so avoid that area…

Photo by D-tizzle, fo’ shizzle.

Abnormal Animal Psychology

A rare behavior in avian species is Umbilical Deprivation Syndrome, more commonly called “navel envy.” In this state, the subject becomes fixated on the fact that it hatched from an egg and is therefore without a belly button.

We can’t stop gazing at this picture, Ken P.

And Now, A Bedtime Story

Edgar Lickspittle, it must be said, was not an appealing man. His was the loneliest, gloomiest cubicle in the Shipping department, and the elegant, waif-like secretaries from upstairs always suppressed a cringe when circumstances forced them to visit.

One day, in the depths of his despair, a small blue fairy appeared, perched atop his paper-clip dispenser. “Your sorrow grieves me so,” she whispered to him. “Tell me, how may I relieve you of this torment?”

Edgar looked deep into his heart. “I’m not handsome or witty or stylish, it’s true,” he replied, “but if a beautiful woman would see me and smile — really smile, as if she were glowing from within — that would be all a wretch such as I could ask.”

“And so they shall,” declared the fairy, and with a wave of her hand…

Jackson C. says: “I live in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia with my 1-year old dog, Gobi. We’re both from the States but we live and work here for the moment. I just had a small party to celebrate Gobi’s first birthday and I snapped this photo of him wearing his Ralph Lauren cashmere sweater and Burberry tie.”

C.O. Tortoise Safety Tip!

When walking your tortoise, always use a sturdy leash and grip with both hands. Those little guys can really sprint when they hit the open road.

So that was you we saw being dragged down Maple Street, Molly P.

It’s Sing-Along Time!

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

Like a Pocket Protector — For Your Lungs

Tried everything from patches to hypnosis and still can’t quit? Then replace that pack with the Stop-Smoking Squirrel™! Using patented AutoNag™ technology, Stop-Smoking Squirrel feeds a steady stream of scary health statistics.

Orphaned baby squirrel found and sender-innered by Amy W.

I Have a Bad Feeling About This

… so by adjusting the knobs, you can actually vary the temperature? Goodness, what a convenience that must be for people who can’t drink very cold water, you know, sensitive teeth and all that. I must confess, I’ve never seen a water dish this large and sophisticated before, and I really must thank you for such a very thorough demonstration and why are you locking the door and looking at me like that?

We Pour a Mean Cocktail

Abandon your Appletini, cancel that Cosmopolitan — the hippest new cocktail among the cutegnoscenti is the Angry Ferret. In a cocktail shaker, combine:

2 parts gin
1 part strawberry liqueur
1 part lemon juice
1 baby ferret
1 dash Angostura bitters

Add ice and shake until vexed.

“This is my baby Holly!” says Linda G.


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