The Tortoiseator

Listen and understand, Sarah Connor. That tortoise is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever.

We’re very sorry, Tige…

… but in the current economic climate, we here at Buster Brown Shoes can no longer justify the services of a full-time sidekick. You’ll find some boxes at your desk, and we’ll need your ID badge and your key to the executive hydrant, please…

Jeffrey E. says: “I would like to introduce a very cute little pug; her name is Clover. We think that the look explains everything, one minute she looks like you just told her she was ugly and the next she is the proudest little dog in the world.”

For the turtle on the move!

As an busy executive turtle, you don’t have time to get lost. That’s why you need QteStar™ Global Positioning System. Just call to QteStar, and we’ll dispatch a team of directional assistance technicians to tell you where to go.

QteStar’s almost as reliable as sender-inner Marilyn T. of the National Geographic Daily Dozen. Photo by Byron Yu.

The Wearin’ O’ the Grin

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, here’s a cute little beastlette, bleating “Erin go Bra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h!”

That’s a BIG Noise from a Lil lamb..:O))) by law_keven.

Things to do on St. Patrick’s Day

1. Wear something green.

2. Have a few beers.

And if you can manage both at the same time, you are officially awesome.

hilarious face by i eated a cookie

And now, Garden Gab with Gertie Glotz

Greetings, green-thumbers! Last week, we learned how to dislodge a cactus from your backside, but this week it’s time to welcome the first blooms of spring!

When transplanting, be careful to (Psst! We’re taping a show here)… Soil should contain generous amounts of (If you’re hungry, there’s a buffet at the crafts table)… Water thoroughly, taking care to (Look, I’m not telling you again!)… Finally, using a trowel… (Call security!)

Brooke B. says: “So here I was, snapping some pics of the first flowers of spring, and what do I see? Trouble! That’s our cat, Honey, trying to nom on my flowers!”

Not sold in stores! Order now!

His music has touched millions the world over… and now Q-Tel Records brings you all the romantic moods of Zamfir, Master of the Pan Floof! Enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime treasury of all-time classic love songs, including:

Careless Whisker • Un-fur-gettable • Ah, Sweet Mouse-tery of Life • and more!

Call now! Carmen D. is standing by!

Spring Forward, Fall Down

Just a reminder, U.S. cuteologists: Daylight Saving Time begins tomorrow at 2 AM, so be sure to set your clocks ahead one hour (and shift your bed about six inches to the ri… oops, never mind).

Thanks to Neopatra for sharing this in a recent comments thread.

Toot Tweet

I’ll see your prog-rock zebra finches, and raise you Chicken, who favors the jazz flute; mostly old-school influences like Herbie Mann, with a bit of Ian Anderson…

We’re lovin’ your lovebird, Rachel D.

Astronuts

Commander Bentwick checked the fittings in his oxygen hose for what must have been the nineteenth time as he waited at the airlock. Then, with a whoosh, the great doors cracked open and Bentwick stepped on the planet surface, followed by co-pilot Captain Chet “No Sweat” Gillette.

As they took their first tentative steps, the surface felt soft and springy beneath their weighted boots. Slowly, the two men took a look around — and it was only at that moment that they noticed the fatal design flaw in their space helmets.

squirrel with coconut

Photo by Mike Walker for the Daily Mail.