Red, White and Cute

You can just put away those sparklers and roman candles, pal — because this pocket rocket’s the most dazzling thing you’ll ever see this Fourth of July!

Bushy-Tail Fail

Ah-HAH! Not only is the nice lady alone and unprotected with her jar of delicious cashews, but she has also carelessly left her window open! Banzaiiiii!

Heck No, I Won’t Go

Sorry to spoil your whole “Free Willy” moment here, lady, but do you have any idea how filthy that ocean is? Fish use it for a toilet, for Pete’s sake! You might get a seal to fall for that, but we penguins have higher standards, thank you…

Youse Call Dis a Pizza Joint?

Dis place? Wit da wine bar and da hanging ferns? Fuggedaboutit! Back in da neighborhood, we got Brooklyn Sol’s Murder by the Slice — the kind’a pizza ya fold in half, and so much grease it practically slides down ya throat. Plus, every Wednesday is Mob Hit Night with dollar beers.

Photo by Flickr user Jasen Miller. (Author’s note: Actually, it looks like a very nice restaurant.)

A Small Miracle

When YouTube user kandwarf rescued an injured hummingbird, he kept a video record of the recovery, as he nursed her with meals of crushed bugs and sugar water and helped her regain her flying skills. Then “when she thought she was ready to leave,” he writes, “she flew off to her favorite patch of the back yard, and her instincts instantly kicked in, and now she’s just like all the other hummingbirds.”

Cat Scratch Fever

And our next applicant for the club DJ position goes by the name of “L.E. Katt.” All right, Mr. Katt, whenever you’re ready…

For That Sharp, Shimmering Shine!

Say, is your shell shamefully shabby and shopworn? Has it shucked off its showroom sheen, leaving you shambling and shy? Then sashay shortly to Shelly Shonk’s Shine Shack, for a ship-shape shampoo and shellacking!

Start with a dip in our 100 percent pure mineral water bath, then it’s off for a luxury wash and brushing (techno music available on request).

… and finally, restore that “just-hatched” luster with a coating of (let’s all say it together now)… TURTLE WAX!

“This is my turtle Pepe,” says proud photographer Laura H.

Penguin Attack! One Reader’s Terrifying True-Life Story of Survival

It happened early in the third week of the expedition. The winds of Antarctica whipped especially strong that day, and I had wandered far away from base camp, lost and alone. That’s when I heard the crunch-crunch-crunch of webbed feet in the snow behind me, and turned in time to come face to face with…

A penguin! He had probably been stalking me for hours, but there was no time to think about that as the giant beast threw his crushing weight upon me…

I could feel the fiend’s razor-sharp beak tearing into my flesh, and I knew I had only one slim desperate chance to survive. Using my finely-honed Judo skills, I flipped the beast over and slammed his face into the cold snow-pack!

And just as quickly as it began, it was over. Panting, I crawled out from under the monster, grateful to walk away with my life — and quite a story to tell back at camp!

Captured on film by Flickr user pinguino k.

Hot Enough for Ya, Tex?

We rarely venture from the climate-controlled confines of the CuteCave to notice, but evidently it’s quite hot out these days. So hot that, in Texas, young Slurpy McArmorplatingsons walked up to this nice family and asked for a drink of water.

Oh, It’s… Lovely. No, Really.

What unusual housewarming gifts, you guys.

I was just telling Joyce here that what we really needed was a sneezing tissue box, a gun-shaped dog leash, and a wind-up Michelangelo throw pillow that plays “I Want To Hold Your Hand.”

Before you nuff: 1. Yes, we know the dog isn’t really smiling; 2. We don’t know if the dog does this often, or if this is just a lucky snap; 3. Please do not make accusations of mistreatment unless you have specific information about the dog and its situation.


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