As the expedition pauses at one of the many watering pools that dot this mysterious island, I note with some frustration that we are no closer to sighting the giant ape known to the natives only as Kong. If there was only some clue…
Concerned citizens! Beware the growing scourge of our nation’s kitties: Pot addiction. This desperate craving plunges innocent kitties into a nightmare of depravity, squandering their youth in so-called “pot parties.” Parents, does your kitty have a pot habit? Look for these warning signs:
- Preference for squeezing into round spaces instead of boxes;
- Furtively reading gardening magazines;
- An involuntary twitching at the words mulch, sphagnum, and photosynthesis.
Our thanks to upstanding citizen Leany A.
“… and so he staggers in, (streeetch!) after drinking with his buddies until two A.M., (urrnngh!) and just looks at me like ‘what’d I do?’ even though he knew (hrrrrmph!) it was the six-month anniversary of our first date.”
“Listen, sweetie, (huff, puff) you need to stop being a (pant, pant) doormat and own this situation. (wheeeze) “
Welcome back, film fans! Time once again for a “sneak peek” at the secrets of Tinseltown. Today we’re on the set of Cheapo Productions’ “Ultra Power Turtles III: The Quest for Pocket Lint” to watch our high-flying heroes actually take to the air!
How do they do it? “Now, your big studios would dangle the stars from an expensive rig, and blot out the wires in post-production,” says “Turtles” director Steve Rancid. “But we’re kinda strapped, so we just hold them up to the camera and make ‘whooshing’ noises.”
It begins with a grating chord of violins; the camera creeps in slowly…
The subject twists in agony, as thoughts from the subconscious bubble to her lips…
The violins screech up and down like angry bees; the subject’s writhing becomes more and more desperate, until she can stand it no longer, AND –
GGHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! She bolts upright and stares into the camera!
Pass the popcorn, Katelyn D.
I mean, yeah, it was cute at first, when the relationship was just getting started, and there’d be this giddy rush to be the one to say it first, you know, because it felt so good to hear it come back at you…
But lately, it’s not the same. He says it, and then she says it, and then they both say it, so I feel like I gotta say it, and it just turns into a call-and-response thing…
We like you, Ellen M., but we don’t “like you” like you.
Yes, moved in last Thursday. Still living out of the boxes; ach, such a mess, don’t get me started. Anyhoo, just wanted to pop up and say hello, and I promise to start terrorizing you as soon as possible, but we’re so busy right now what with the change-of-address cards and getting our youngest into kindergarten.
“Chloe” looks like an extra from “Monsters, Inc.,” Danielle.
Samantha and Honey Bear, sittin’ in a tree!
First comes love, then comes marriage,
Then comes a baby in a baby carriage the blood-curdling screams of AGONY at the razor-sharp claws of a godless KILLING MACHINE!!!1! AUUUGGGHHH!!!
Snorgling machine is more like it, Samantha B.