I Just Feel So… Drained

I’m just limp as a noodle. Every day on the colander feels strainer and strainer. Oh well, I’ll just pasta time away here.

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Via Russell Bernice.

The Meowchant of Venice

Hath not a Mew eyes? Hath not a Mew paws, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, whiskers? If you prick us, do we not whap? If you tickle us, do we not look annoyed? If you… actually, this is all just a roundabout way of asking: Are we having ham for dinner?

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The Solitary Vigil for the Dreaded UPS Man

For sleepless days and nights he waits, ever on guard against the sinister Man in Brown and his parcels of evil. Then he hears it: the metallic shhunk of the sliding door, followed by footsteps up the front walk. This is his moment. Only he can defend his home against the hellish forces of Zappos and L.L. Bean. Fighting off fatigue, he crouches into assault stance, aaaaaaaaand…

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“He woke up and started to get off the couch then went back to sleeping like this,” says Redditor T_Avalon.

Ivan Elonginak, Billionaire Giraffe of Destiny, Retreats to the Serenity of His Summer Estate

When Ivan is weary of million-dollar hoofshake deals and cocktails with beautiful models, Ivan takes swim in pool to reflect. Is reflecting pool.

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Here, Ivan ponders meaning of his existence. Palatial homes on every continent, two private planes at his command, the adoration of millions of people — is that really all there is?

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Alas, the answers do not come, and is time for Ivan to leave. Ivan must tend to his tiny pet Russian millionaire, which he loves very much.

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Via redditor errf. More backstory here.

Transcendental Observation

Looking for greater personal power over your life? Then call Werner Gufinov, the world’s only out-of-body life coach! Werner’s unique coaching methods let you see yourself as you really are — and if that doesn’t inspire you to straighten up and take control over your life, then nothing will!

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“This is Bentley with his arm around Batman, seemingly conspiring with him against Violet down the stairs,” says Christine.

You’re Checking Out My Tail, Aren’t You?

Oh no, I’m not offended, really, in fact I get a lot of compliments on it. I take excellent care of it. You might even say I’m attached to it, heh heh… No, it’s nothing personal like that, it’s just that I would really, really appreciate it if you would put those scissors down.

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Body Slam!

… and now Captain Feisty tries to pin The Spotted Dynamo… perfectly-executed leg hold there, but the Dynamo refuses to budge… and now he’s going for the face hold! Definitely saw some biting there, I think the referee missed… WHOA! Decisive smackdown by the Spotted Dynamo! And this — match — is — over, ladies and gentlemen!

And Now Let’s Go to “Captain” Tom Nom in the Cute Overload Traffic Helicopter!

“Thank you, Mimsy. Right now I’m flying over Rancho Cucahuenga, and we’re looking at a four-kitten pile-up just before the Slauson cutoff.”

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At the Cute Overload Puppy Testing Labs

Here in our Paw Pad Proving Grounds, every set of paw pads undergoes rigorous tests to ensure braking ability — for your safety and comfort!

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Now a Word from our Sponsor

Enjoy long, luxurious, healthy hair… with “Gee, Your Hair Smells Like Horse!”™ Now available in Harvest Oats, Apple Orchard, and new Carrot Cake scents.

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Via Three Leaf Farm on Facebook.

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