I Hope You Realize This Means War

For agonizing, eternal minutes, she and the interloper merely stared at one another, each afraid to move or speak. At last, the visitor found his courage, stepped forward, and offered the traditional greeting of his people:

“PPPTHHHHHTHTHBBBTHHHTHHHHHPPPPPPPTH!”

14520025423_a45b55c355_o

“This is Popcorn the Cat facing off one of the many Cincinnati city deer that wondered into my neighbor’s yard. I like to think she was protecting our garden,” says Tawny W.

The Cute Overload Guide to Surviving a Comcast Telephone Cancellation Request

Start of call: The representative seems courteous and helpful, and merely has a few questions to assist with the cancellation process. Although the questions appear unduly personal, you may ease any stress of the experience by looking at this picture of a smiling tiger cub clouded leopard.

14031733253_f0551e0807_o

Minute six: Although theoretically willing to assist with the cancellation, the representative is concerned that your desire to abandon such a caring, loving service may be due to latent feelings of resentment of one or both parents, and suggests weekly therapy along with a complimentary 20 Mbps upgrade. During this phase, you may need to gaze at this bunny for strength.

14282313500_c92dd58617_o

Minute eighteen: Now sobbing into his mouthpiece, the representative demands to know, to learn, to feel the reasons why you have chosen to break the heart of this fine service that exists only to serve you. Was it that one time the Game of Thrones season finale got all blocky? That wasn’t our fault, dammit! During this phase, hide all sharp objects and secure any firearms you may own. This kitten represents your last best chance to retain your sanity. Good luck.

14499165396_ab7721db3f_o

The inspiration for this post, if you need it.

Face the Morning After

You awaken just before noon. Blades of light slice through the gauzy haze as you piece together the evening’s revelries. There were balloons and alcohol, karaoke and alcohol, arson and alcohol, plus Mr. MacGroot from Accounting brought his bagpipes. Somehow, you staggered home and collapsed — and that’s when it happened. Your chin disappeared halfway into your head, your eyes and ears now point in different directions, and you realize your night of abandon has left you with a case — of Bed Face.

14282305499_313b173b4e_b

My Shadow Has a Shadow

It even does what I do, and its shadow does what my shadow does! So does that mean my shadow shadows my shadow, or does my shadow’s shadow shadows my shadow? Whoa, it’s too late in the evening for this.


Via Bev Goodwin.

Let’s See What’s On Craigslist

ROOM FOR RENT: Furnished room available in luxury birdhouse. Quiet neighborhood, close to park, shopping, birdbath, etc. Ideal tenant should enjoy cats, reggae music, and being eaten. Ideal short-term housing for transient with no family or connections in area. Inquire in person.

  • cats are OK — purrr
  • dogs are OK — wooof
  • birds are OK — chomp

13988229514_bd21c4d3ab_o

Sometimes I Surprise Even Myself

But you’ll notice I’m not so surprised that I can’t catch it again! I’m that cool.

tumblr_n1wme9Ziti1qdlh1io1_400

What’s Cooking?

“Aw, youse ladies should not have to see this. Breaks me tender heart, it does. Poor Gertrude, cut down in the prime of her years, and for what? Shake ‘n Bake! Ain’t no justice in this world, is there, Charlie?”

“That’s right! They won’t even share — er, I mean they don’t even care!”

cxiFRpM

I’m Tellin’ Ya, Eddie, if I Just Had a Hammer and Some Nails, We’d Be Livin’ Like Kings

“… so the living room, that’s where we’d have a big Dumpster. Tip it, roll in it, do whatever ya want. Maybe also a Foosball table. Then on the second floor, nothin’ but beer and honey.”

14520860394_64c232129f_o

“Welcome to Sunny Florida,” My Shell!

Been here a whole week, hasn’t let up once! I’ll never get a shell-tan if this keeps up!

14460807944_feccdace67_o

Dating Tips for Dogs!

So, you think you’re ready for a whirlwind night on the town with the lady of your dreams? Well, slo-ho-ho-ow down there, buckaroo, because it’s time to learn some basic dating etiquette!

14514010355_23df1ed8ec_o

Tip number one: Take a bath! That “guess what I just rolled in” odor may impress your drinking buddies, but one whiff from your lady friend, and she’ll hand you a one-way ticket to the friend zone!

14327565647_09241b5215_o

Ahh, that’s better! Now it’s time to learn the art of dinner conversation. Make sure you hold her attention by steering the conversation to topics that might interest her:

  • Romantic movies
  • Romantic books
  • Romantic View-Master slides
  • Austrian vs. Keynesian Economic Theory: Which Is More Romantic?

But avoid these topics at all cost!

  • Demolition derby
  • Belt sanders you have owned
  • That thing you rolled in

14327349900_4e7c072aaf_o

Max is quite the ladies pup, Tracey M.!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 13,943 other followers