OHBOYOHBOY
Golly Gee Whiz, I Sure Love Being A Dog!
Larry Loopner, 4/1/2012
Absurdly Happy Dog
Boy oh boy, is it awesome being a dog or what? I get my own little house out in the cold and rain, and every day someone ties a rope to my neck and watches me go to the bathroom! And the food — don’t get me started on how good that is!
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BUSINESS
Why This Little Piggy Went To Market
Porker Swineheardt, 4/1/2012
CEO, The Sty Exchange
Look, friends, there’s no big bad wolf on Wall St. This is the time to go whole hog and buy up some shares. I have some recommendations that are sure to be long term successes for your porkpholio; and I promise not to be a boar.
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POLITICS
Are Dogs Our Equals?
Mushka Lumpkingstein, 4/1/2012
Doctoral Candidate Feline/Canine Studies
Long is the conflict between dogs and cats, yet we are seeing a trend in friendships among dogs and cats. Are we moving closer to a cultural understanding? It may be time to put our differences aside.
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SQUAWK
So Who’s a Pretty Boy, Then?
Jo-Jo, 4/1/2012
Media Director, So Who’s A Pretty Boy Then Foundation
Ooooooh! chk-chk-chk-chk! So who’s a pretty boy, then? Is it you? Is it you? chk-chk-chk-chk! Ooooooh! Pretty boy, pretty boy! chk-chk-chk-chk! So who’s a pretty boy, then? Oooooooh!
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TEEN VOICES
The First Rule of Spit Club: You Do Not Talk About Spit Club
Packer Hoofyfoot, 4/1/2012
Student, Ranchero Learning Lab School
I used to be the kid all the other kids picked last to play soccer. I wasn’t asked to parties or invited to reindeer games, either. That is, until I started Spit Club. I found the thing I was really good at, plus it’s pretty gross, and kids just started flocking to join.
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LIFESTYLES
It Is Time To End Discrimination Against Evil
Maurice von Doom, 4/1/2012
CEO, League of Evil, Inc.
It is saddening that, in these enlightened times, people who commit acts of evil continue to be shunned and stigmatized. Where is the tolerance, we wonder? I myself have felt its pernicious effects, the pointed fingers, the whispers and stares, just because I burnt down an orphanage that one time.
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BUSINESS
How to Invest for Your Future When You Don’t Even Have Pockets
Lawrence Longbody, 4/1/2012
Professional of Financial Studies; Author, Leave It
For those of us who aren’t marsupials, it’s hard to save things. Sure some of us can dig and deposit for use at a later date, but most of us just aren’t that great at saving things for later. Let me teach you a few tricks about the concept of tomorrow. No, it’s not right now.
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FASHION
What To Wear When You’re Old
Hamione Keutface, 4/1/2012
Popular Style Writer for Cheeks Magazine
Why don’t we stop limiting what we wear based on our age? Life is too short without a little fun and style. Not to be a big ham, but I have some amazing picks for summer fashions that will be appropriate for any age.
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HARRUMPH
Blargle Humphl Umfth Snarth Rumphty Agth Fhnu
Lord Humphrey Mumphington, 4/1/2012
World-renowned harrumpher
Hruumph blumphl ish argity fnurphl glrhhgth. Hathruugh nrtg rghtl barlth nurbth garhthle harrumph. Bleaargth hrumphl urt acth mrrlph sthrluupth harrumph ghrthle. Harrrrrrumphth!
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WALLOWING
Hey, Where Did Mom Go?
Piglette, 4/1/2012
Resident, Murphy’s Farm
Mom was just here a minute ago and now I don’t see her. I’m really hungry and she said something about getting slop and being right back, but I’m a little worried. [shivers]
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