The Cute Overload Guide to Surviving a Comcast Telephone Cancellation Request

Start of call: The representative seems courteous and helpful, and merely has a few questions to assist with the cancellation process. Although the questions appear unduly personal, you may ease any stress of the experience by looking at this picture of a smiling tiger cub clouded leopard.

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Minute six: Although theoretically willing to assist with the cancellation, the representative is concerned that your desire to abandon such a caring, loving service may be due to latent feelings of resentment of one or both parents, and suggests weekly therapy along with a complimentary 20 Mbps upgrade. During this phase, you may need to gaze at this bunny for strength.

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Minute eighteen: Now sobbing into his mouthpiece, the representative demands to know, to learn, to feel the reasons why you have chosen to break the heart of this fine service that exists only to serve you. Was it that one time the Game of Thrones season finale got all blocky? That wasn’t our fault, dammit! During this phase, hide all sharp objects and secure any firearms you may own. This kitten represents your last best chance to retain your sanity. Good luck.

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The inspiration for this post, if you need it.

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Comments

  1. Oh my – even Cute Overload is mocking Comcast. That’s a whole new level of ‘you goofed’!!

  2. WaldenPond says:

    “Please tell me why you don’t want faster service?!

  3. Nicely played, Mike.

  4. vulfhild says:

    Whenever I cancel anything, I tell the rep I’m moving to Paraguay. If they persist, I give them flippant replies in a Bruce Campbell accent. Actually, if you wanted to see neato rare animals, Paraguay would be a good choice.

  5. Aaaaaah, the kitten in the third photo brings peace to my soul.

  6. Mikeyfur says:

    Excellent NTMTOM…..just excellent.

  7. Mehitabel says:

    Cute send up, but it’s not really fair to the customer service person. They’re persistent because otherwise they themselves get penalized if a customer wants to cancel the service or return a product (especially if they don’t provide an explanation). If they’re unlucky enough to have a bunch of people call to cancel their service, then they get fired.The same is true of all major companies. (And no, the way to address this is not to talk to the customer service manager, but to write to the CEO directly.)

  8. @Mehitabel: That’s a fair criticism, and I confess that I dashed this post off too quickly to think it all the way through. I wanted to lampoon whatever bad policies were behind this debacle, but the representative is necessarily the face of those policies, fair or not.

  9. If you gather up all their stuff and dump it at the front office, it takes much less time.

  10. Oh the cheeks on that cute bun! It’s what I call chipmunk cheeks.

  11. Blue Footed Booby says:

    @Mehitabel
    Yeah, as much as I hate that kind of customer service, it’s usually not the rep’s fault, so I politely answer the stupid questions with stupid answers.

    “Help me understand why you don’t want faster internet.”
    “Because I’m a capricious jerk.”

  12. HILARIOUS!!!!!! I busted out laughing!

  13. annette says:

    @Blue Footed Booby, yeah, the customer could have quickly ended the pain of that conversation by just making up some excuse rather than digging his heels in. I would have gone with “entering a monastery” or “embarking on an around the world boat trip.” Companies need to rethink their policies and/or need to train their reps to get answers without sounding whiny and obsessive.

    And customers should have this CO post open on their laptops before calling customer service 🙂

  14. NTMTOM is hilarious as always but I wonder if that type of costumer service is maybe American thing or only Comcast? Is it that way in other countries? I have never experience it in Canada at least. I just cancelled my telephone service with one company to go with another and they did ask why and I told them my reasons and that was it. They were very polite and helpful because they know that I may change my mind later and come back to them.

  15. Saffron says:

    My experience with Verizon was far worse. I called to change the payment card for wireless service and the service rep was really rude. I quote her “whatever”.
    Nice. Needed a lot of kitten pics and a nice bottle of Diet Peach Snapple after that. 🙂

  16. This put a delightful spin on the issue, which is typical of Comcast.

  17. That first picture is a coded leopard, not a tiger.

  18. @rw: Well, if it was in code, how’d you expect me to recognize it, then? (*snert*) Anyway, thank you for the info. 🙂

  19. @Gigi: I’ve been reading some of the anecdotes that people have been trading in the wake of this incident, and it appears that this retention technique is a common practice in America. I assume Canadians are much too nice for this.

  20. Blue Footed Booby says:

    @Not That Mike The Other Mike
    It is indeed common. As far as I can tell it’s a matter of chasing short term profits at the expense of the long term. The reasoning appears to be that you can’t double-cancel, so making it hard to cancel can at worst end with the customer doing what they were going to do anyway, and at best sticking around for another billing cycle or two out of frustration.

    Honestly, I think this sort of runaround is better than what MSN did to my parents when they tried to cancel their dial-up service: MS cheerfully told them the service was canceled, but actually didn’t do anything. Years later when I was trying to set up an xbox live account my mom’s card was declined, and when I called support they said the credit card was blacklisted for “failure to pay for services.”

  21. Rhonda B. says:

    What a beautiful leopard. 🙂

  22. Pretty good reasons not to cancel!

  23. Mehitabel–Have you listened to the call? I’ve worked for these types of companies and I definitely understand what you’re saying is the case, but this call that is being mocked goes way, way, way beyond any of that. I honestly think the customer must have been looking at these pictures during the call, too, because he kept his cool so well.

  24. “Coded” leopard? Try again– it’s a CLOUDED leopard, named for the blotchy markings.

    Best Comcast story was when a local woman in her 60s, sick of being flipped off by having to wait at the office for hours until the service manager had “left for the day,” went back with a hammer and busted the place up. She was arrested, but they settled for her paying the damages and promising not to come back in person. Do a search on Comcast and hammer.

  25. Thanks for pointing out the first cutie is a leopard – BUT I guess a typo crept in. It’s a clouded leopard not a secret agent leopard :-).

  26. 6rabbits says:

    I HATE comcast! 😡 That company makes my blood boil every time I see their commercial/ads offering NEW customers fantastic savings while MY bill has gone up $80 in one yr with no service change! They even mail me, a customer for 15 yrs, these “new customer only” offers, like they’re rubbing my face in it! 😤 Now I need to go look at some more qte before I blow a blood vessel!

  27. OK, so it’s a clouded leopard, thanks to all who corrected me. (Next thing, someone will tell me it’s a partly clouded with scattered showers leopard.)

  28. wuyizidi says:

    “Now please tell me why you don’t want a smiling tiger cub?!”

  29. Frannie says:

    Similar to my experience when I canceled Direct TV…

  30. Jessica says:

    Hey, where did you come by the cute clouded leopard pic? We are wondering if it is one from the Nashville zoo.

  31. and now it’s a *booped* leopard

  32. @Jessica: Sorry to say, I don’t know where this picture was taken. Photos come at us from many sources, and some don’t have any backstory, like this one. 😦

  33. @Jessica: the photo is from Pixdaus FB; but it doesn’t say where it’s from. https://www.facebook.com/Pixdaus/photos/a.222079454526332.58307.215822978485313/696179810449625/?type=3&theater

  34. whawhawhatsis says:

    My husband decided he wanted to save money by switching our service to Comcast. It took him multiple lengthy visits to the nearby service center to actually get *part* of the service that was written on our contract for the price promised. And service was so lousy he agreed with me to cancel after less than 2 months. We didn’t give them much choice on the cancellation, though; I just physically returned all their equipment to the office. If they’d tried to bill us after that, I suspect my husband would have visited them with a hammer; fortunately, after what he’d gone through with their manager at the service center already, I suspect our account was flagged with, “Please get rid of these people without argument!”

    Oh, and Verizon paid all our cancellation fees when we went back to them, and actually managed not to laugh at him for trying Comcast in the first place. 🙂

  35. @Gigi That’s because Canadians are too nice for that. 🙂

  36. I use Shaw out here in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada and I have no idea about these companies except through their commercials. Still, I just LOVE the kitty pictures 😀

  37. They have to be nice to us because they know what we Canadians will do to them if they are not nice to use 😀

  38. I meant “us” not “use”.