And Whoever’s Been Storing Pints of Blood in the Fridge, Please Clean it Out

To: All employees
Re: Vampires in the workplace

As the Halloween season approaches, we wish to clarify our position on vampires. While we at OmniGlobaCorp welcome our members of the living-impaired community, biting will not be tolerated during office hours. If you notice tooth marks anywhere on your bodily area, please report it to Bev in HR.


Via ginagleeson.

Comments

  1. I would rather watch two hours of this than a Twilight movie.

  2. I have not and will not see those movies. I was raised on Christofer Lee movies and read Bram Stoker when I was 10. Vampire do not TWINKLE in sunlight!!!
    (gets off the soap box)

  3. Out of curiosity I watched the first one, and have to admit there’s a strange appeal to it (just the first one, the others are terrible): set in gloomy Pacific Northwest, the entire movie consisted of teenagers in beat-up trucks showing up for school 2 hours early, hanging out in parking lot, not talking to each other, just staring at the ground listening to iPod, then suddenly declaring undying love for each other…

  4. doomchild says:

    “Living-impaired” – brilliant! Didn’t even need to check the submitter to know this beauty was by NTMTOM :)

  5. I never quite got over the salespitch of dating your stalker. Call me the post-Luke/Laura generation but just don’t get it. But then again, teenage romances don’t always make (any) sense.

    I had a friend who described Romeo and Juliet as:
    A rebound romance by two teenagers too stupid to live. Which, actually, is kind of true.

  6. NTMTOM!! The title alone signalled that this would be another of your brilliant posts. Completely cracking up at “living-impaired”. Oh how I love you NTMTOM…

  7. SlaveToCat says:

    Off to the optometrist to get new glasses or make another pot of coffee. For the life of me I couldn’t decipher how anyone would know if a vampire tinkles in the sunlight.

  8. Clairdelune says:

    Me too!!! Love those tiny fangs.

  9. there will be an all-fangs meeting in the crypt at 2 pm

  10. One of my senior cats once had two little holes in his neck area that got infected. I felt horrible that I hadn’t noticed it sooner, but he was long-haired. And as I was expressing my shock to the vet, since he was the sweetest cat that got along with all my other cats, and never fought, I remembered that my dominant male cat would sometimes try to “mount” him… how ridiculous explaining that to the vet…

  11. Clairdelune says:

    It sounds like a perfectly normal day at Smithstown High… Hordes of ‘tween and teen girls would howl in disagreement, but dumb as they were, I would rather be forced to watch several Gidget movies than to yawn through these movies about a weirdo fanged crowd!!! ;-)

  12. SlaveToCat says:

    Ok, I understand no biting your co-workers. But, is giving your favorite co-worker a hickey allowed? How about Alex the UPS driver??

  13. emmberrann says:

    Completely affirmed.
    (Signed,)
    Still Awaiting Notification of
    Impending Coffee Table Book

  14. Christopher Lee! *swoon*

  15. I think hickeys are like the gateway drug….

  16. My dear departed Steve had two little brown spots on her otherwise white neck, and I used to call then her “vampire bite.”

  17. LOVE the expression of the bite-ee!

  18. A very inclusive term, as it would also cover zombies. Maybe we can be a little bit more specific here and refer to them as “those with solar sensitivity”, or “diurnal affective disorder”, or “crepuscularly-inclined”.

  19. Lol. Perfect as always NTMTOM :) Blood in the fridge…hee!

  20. Anyone past preschool who tinkles in the sunlight around here gets a summons.

  21. Indupitably!

  22. Or Ramon in the mailroom?

  23. Blue Footed Booby says:

    I’ve always wondered if maybe Ol’ Shakey meant Romeo and Juliet to be a satire of tragic romance stories.

  24. I second emmberrann.

  25. Fleurdamour says:

    Intermew With A Vampire

  26. Ha!!

  27. Giggle.

  28. Nosferatmew?

  29. Mary (the first) says:

    And in spite of everything, I notice the extremely long and lovely wheeeeskers on the bite-ee!

  30. Mary (the first) says:

    I love that you named your girl cat “Steve”. I once had a cat named “Harold”; had pre-determined either Harold or Barbara. Well, when I got her, she just didn’t look like a “Barbara”, so she became Harold. And eventually had 4 kittens: Herman, Harvey, Heloise and (I think) Hepzibah.

  31. Norbertsmom says:

    LOL…

    applauding loudly!!!

  32. I love “diurnal affective disorder” it fits so well with all the disorder that did not exist when I was young like attention deficit disorder and disruptive behavior disorders. ;-)

  33. Stay in your own cubicle, George!

  34. Forks still has a tour bus going on due to the Twilight Phenomenon!Now with “50 Shades of Grey” based in Seattle,people are now flocking to the hotels where the characters ummmm..ya know.*wink wink*.Thanks for putting my hometown on a map!

  35. Hey, no necking at work :lol:

  36. I love the name Hepzibah for a kitten!

    By the time I got a good look at the appropriate anatomy, Steve had already stuck, so we went with it!

  37. Lol, found out recently that “50 Shades of Grey” started out as as Twilight fan fiction.

  38. Step 1: assign medical cause to inconvenient behavior
    Step 2: create drug to treat symptoms
    Step 3: profit!

  39. major lulz, I love this website :D

  40. True. All they are allowed to do in the sunlight is burn or at least suffer. Twilight seems to be the sad end of The Vampires’ Downfall that began somewhere and somewhen in the books of Anne Rice (the first one I really loved, but after that … A straight descend indeed) Oh, the good old times when a Vampire could just be a hungry, malicious creature in the dark, murdering tasty hoomins…

  41. For lack of a better world twilight sucks.

  42. Bingo!

  43. Catula?

  44. Norbertsmom says:

    OMG – stop you are keeling me and I have work to do.

    :0)
    (waits anxiously for next pun)

  45. Fleurdamour says:

    The Vampire Lescat

  46. fleurdamour says:

    He misunderstood the memo about the company blood drive.

  47. thelittlemyrmidon says:

    O-positively inclined.

  48. Norbertsmom says:

    Just spit coffee alover myself, trying to hold back a laugh.

  49. Fird Birfle says:

    I for one am entranced with the understatement of the Corporate Moniker in the storyline …..as well, of course, as the fuzzy wonderfulness of both les chats…

  50. fleurdamour says:

    Nosefurpawmew!

  51. The Original Jane says:

    Hey Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt – how does it feel to be upstaged?

  52. Ever so often we have to attend a 2 hour refresher on company policy regarding harassment, complete with awkward audience participation (role-play). It would’ve been so much better if there were a lol-cat version like this (company lawyer, flipping through the deck: “For our purpose here, personal space shall be defined as 3 dimensional space surrounding the head with a radius no less than twice the length of one’s whiskers…”).

  53. skippymom says:

    Okay, not really related but. A while back I heard or read something about a woman who was pumping her milk for her baby while at work and storing it in the break room fridge, and some of her unwitting coworkers were putting it in their coffee.

  54. Cambridge Rat Mom says:

    Beeeeeeeeeeeeev..

  55. I vant to suck your blood but your neck is too furry ! ( Said in my best Dracula voice)

  56. Fird Birfle says:

    8-O

    I believe, that this would be a useful place in which to celebrate the fact that I am among those weirdos who “doesn’t get” coffee. I have a caffeine fix, like the next guy but I feed it via sody-pop and at the moment I am feeling relieved, about that.

  57. FTW

  58. fleurdamour says:

    Written by Anne Rice, who is from Mew Orleans, Mewisiana

  59. victoreia says:

    Haven’t read the books. Refuse to.

    My fave vampire is Nick Knight from “Forever Knight”. *sigh*

  60. victoreia says:

    *giggle*

  61. fleurdamour says:

    I think he’s in the process of turning her into a vampire, her teeth are pointy. Or maybe she’s just a cat.

  62. Hahahahahahaha!

  63. That’s like the old Dilbert joke about needing more UNIX programmers: Tell the company nurse nevermind.

  64. “The living-impaired community”! Too funny!

  65. “He was brought across in 1228…”

  66. victoreia says:

    …Now, he wants to be mortal again.”

  67. victoreia says:

    Oh, just call them Black-ribboners! (And don’t, vhatever you do, mention the b-vord…)

  68. OH NO! THE CATPIRES ARE ATTACKING! AHH AHH AHH!

  69. Fird Birfle says:

    begins gathering torches, tar & feathers ….

  70. Don’t forget the garlic.

  71. Either _labeling_ didn’t occur to her, or _reading_ didn’t occur to the co-workers!

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