A Nutcracker, Sweet!

You! Bourgeoisie human veeth many valnuts! Een my homeland, squirrels are stronk, haff no need for decadent Vestern nutcrackers! You geeve valnuts to me now! I veel be crushingk dem veeth bare hands for you!

“Tough Girl” is by Ingrid Taylar.



  1. I admit, I fear squirrels that can kick my rear.

  2. I always wondered what accent the squirrels outside my house in the walnut tree would have. Now I know how to talk back to them and tell them to stop! dropping! walnut shells on my house at 5am!

  3. This squirrel is so intimidating I just wet myself.

  4. Valnuts ist mein new faforite vord!

  5. Reminds me of Hanz and Franz of SNL fame

  6. It’s the Terminutter!

  7. WIN! *applause*

  8. I’ve seen less buff guys in the gym than Ahnold here, cept they tend to have a lot more chest and back hair.


  10. *reeeeeeeally beeeeg SNORTLAFF!!!!!!!*

    I think this is one of your best!

  11. Ear plugs. The kind the guys who work on the airport tarmac use. They sell ’em at most chain drug stores. Either that or spray some Dave’s Insanity Sauce on your tree. That’s what my friend does to keep the squirlz off her bird feeders. Won’t affect birds. They’re not sensitive to capsaicin which is the chemical responsible for the heat in chilis.

  12. I hate when that happens.

  13. Brilliant post, NTMTOM. I bow down to you–and to this skwerl, who could totally kick my buttocks.

  14. East German Sqerrel team ees not usingk steroids, I hope!

  15. I’m a big guy, I can take ‘im!

    *three rounds later*


  16. A squirrel, weighing 98 grams,
    Will get sand in his face, when kicked in the gams,
    But soon, in the gym,
    With a determined chin,
    The sweat from his paws,
    As he works for his cau-au-ause…

    Such an effort, if he only gave it a whirl,
    In just seven days,
    I can make you a squir-r-r-r-rel!

  17. Marvellous.

  18. *rapturous applause*

  19. Actually, he looks like he could crush them with those thighs. Those are some meaty drumsticks you’ve got there! 😛

  20. LOL Gigi, that’s the first thing I thought of when I saw pumped up skwerlio!

  21. Fird Birfle says:

    On the bright side, you’re quite the Poete!!! 🙂

  22. Fird Birfle says:

    @ skippymom: at the risk of repeating a cliche (but only b/cuz it really *DID* occur )
    YOU made ME LOL !!!

    Is all, cleaned up again now ???
    If you need, we can scare Mr./ Ms Sqwrylio away for ya??

    Hope all is well 🙂

  23. Fird Birfle says:


  24. Fird Birfle says:

    OK Folks.

    Agenda Item # 1: SINCE WHEN do skwyrrlios STAND ON THEIR hind legs like dees?
    Agenda Item #2: Skwyrrlio eess very cute. Intimidating, but cute.

    Agenda Item #3: Pleesse to cleeque on the item below:

  25. maybe the oil in walnuts act as squirroll stiroids . . .

  26. Throws toilet paper at T.U.M.

    Oh wait… wrong scene.

  27. Martha in Washington says:

    In Soviet Russia, valnuts crack you.

  28. She is quite the muscle bound girl squirrel!

    The only nuts she has are the ones she collects.

  29. HEheheheeheh

  30. Since no-one’s said it yet: PANTALOONS!!!!

  31. Oh my God, that was the funniest post since the 7 types of Halloween costumes back in 2009 (I think). The photo itself is only vaguely funny but the caption gave me a six-pack of abs from laughing so hard

  32. Love it, just LOVE it!
    And I hope you don’t all think I’m weird but Tim Curry in that movie…HOT!

  33. That squirrel is BAMF! He is so far past Rocky I, II, AND III. So, I give you the also BAMF video:

    Watch the video, but it’s even funnier when you just stare at the sexy squirrel while this plays in the background.

    “The victory is your’s alooooone” Mr Squirrel, indeed.

  34. The other Stephanie says:

    First rule of fight club…Don’t talk about fight club!

  35. Stoppen Sie fallen die Walnüsse auf mein Haus!

  36. Squirrelzilla

    Where are my nuts and birdseed?

  37. This is what happens when you setup anti squirrel bird feeders.

    Side note..thought your post read…”I fear squirrels that can LICK my rear.” I should stay off computers until 11 am.

  38. We need a Squirrelinator to take care of this one.

  39. Does that costume come in a full (human) size, for Halloween?

  40. Beat me to it.

  41. In Soviet Russia, nuts hide the squirrels.

  42. Gigi, I am TOTALLY with you on that! (Which is not to say that it isn’t weird.)

  43. I have a suspicion it might do.

  44. *golf clap*

  45. *checks nervously over shoulder for Moose*

  46. You, Oakley, are a genius.

  47. It’s the feminist Fark mascot!

  48. That’s one guy you don’t want to mess with.

  49. I do believe that’s a BOY squirrel.

  50. I too was reminded of the Fark squirrel, minus the boy-bits.

  51. XD

  52. This extra furry little fella looks a little like a yeti. He’s flexing his muscles for sure. I wouldn’t want to have him in my attic!

  53. What? Hmm? Oh…Hi Mrs. Squirrel– no I have no Idea where your husband is.

  54. Saw this yesterday, but just finally got the title. Nutcracker, sweet indeed.

  55. Yep, I agree, totally hot. *nods head vigorously*

  56. Funny, I always thought Bigfoot was … well … big.

  57. Smart idea, but I also have a 6-month-old human child and not being able to hear things is a very bad idea. 🙂 Also, I’ve gotten used to them dropping walnuts for the most part. It helps that we moved into the bedroom on the other side of the house, so the “drop zone” is not right on top of us anymore. Those squirrels are danged accurate, though – if you’re outside while they’re eating, they will bean you with the shells every time.

  58. NOMTOM, I swear I would marry you . . . well, if I actually knew you . . . and if my husband would let me . . . and if your wife/significant other would let you . . . but in theory, I would totally marry you on the basis of your posts alone.

  59. Lewis n' Clark says:

    ahem, MRS Jessy…..as many others before me have stated…GET IN LINE!

  60. *Grumbles and moves to back of line.*