An Offer He Shouldn’t Have Refused

Jack Woltz fluttered his eyes as the the first rays of sunlight brushed his face. He could hear the servants busy in the kitchen downstairs, and he ran through the day’s itinerary in his mind: Breakfast on the patio, a brisk swim, then a ride on his favorite stallion before his afternoon meeting at Paramount Pictures.

His leg brushed against an object in the bed with him. Feeling hesitantly along the covers, his hand detected a familiar outline. Woltz flung away the bedsheets and gaped in horror into the lifeless eyes staring back at him, and realized — only too late — that Don Corleone was not a man to be trifled with.

Photo credit: Antti



  1. Back off, mutt!

  2. This is the best thing of all time.

  3. the cat GAPED!

  4. this’ll guarantee a greenlight for The Dogfather II

  5. Yet another student acts up in front of the Headmaster.

  6. AAAAAAAAAAH! *paw paws lightly*

  7. Yeah, not unless kitteh wants to swim with the fishes.

  8. lol … I love you NOMTOM.

    also love the cute kitteh and puppeh!

  9. OMG, that caption has me laughing out loud!

  10. PlaidPyrate says:

    Hey NTMTOM — would you consider leaving your body — or more specifically, your brain — to science eventually? I’m insanely envious of your writing ability and sense of humor and want to know if they can be duplicated and bottled, since that’s the ONLY way I’m ever going to be even one-quarter as good a writer as you….

  11. 260Oakley FTW

  12. NTMTOM’s posts make me appreciate the fact that I never have my browser set to full screen mode. I love reading the stories first, trying to guess what the picture might be before I scroll down to it.

    Awesome as usual, NTMTOM. I love how the dog is calmly laying there and ignoring the kitteh’s temper tantrum.

  13. O NO He/She/It DI-unt!!! says:

    ….I wanna see Jack Wolfe, feline quadruped, ride a stallion!!!!

  14. Well that’s no way to get ahead.

  15. Bwaahahahahahahahahaha!

  16. Touché, pussycat!!! 😉

  17. It’s a Sicilian message. It means the kitty sleeps with the fishes.

  18. Kittayn: Getcha big head outta my basket, ya coulda kilt me, ya big mooch!
    Doggins: Ummmmmm…..
    Kittayn: Am-scray before I resort to my built-in shivs!
    Doggins: Am-scray? Shivs?
    Kittayn: Scram! Leave! Depart! Goeth elsewhere! Or else! Or else I’ll smackya wit’ the claws! Capeesh?
    Doggins: Capeesh?

  19. He’s upset because the servant who delivered his breakfast tray forgot to include the customary single rose in a bud vase. Heads are going to roll over this.

  20. bookmonstercats says:

    Doggy is all, like, “Deal with it, moggy”.

  21. What is it about the Godfather and guys? Fave homage would still be Harvey Birdman and the head of Gleep in his bed. Or was that Gloop?

  22. The horror! The horror!

  23. *falls off chair laughing at pic and puns* 😆

  24. @Leilani
    “Mistah Kurz, he head.”

  25. “Fredo, you’re my older brother, and I love you. But don’t ever take sides with anyone against the Family again. Ever. …”

  26. Leave the dog. Take the kitten.

  27. “Mom!! There’s a dog in my bed! Get it off!!!”

  28. Cat: I wanted a hair of the dog that bit me, not the head!

  29. OMG, hilarious. Too too funny.

  30. The dog is all, “yeah, yeah, whatever, like I’ve never seen you hiss before…”

  31. “Bring me the head of John the Labtist!”

  32. Darn you to heck, Oakley! I was trying to come up with a John the Baptist reference, but surprise surprise, you got there first. Oh, well.

  33. I am laughing out loud. Kitty. Doggie. NTMTOM. Oakley. ROTFLMAO.

  34. Look Kitty you only auditioned for that Fancy feast commercial and you didn’t get the part. Now you think your Bete Davis, cut the hiss tronics.

  35. Ahem hiss trionics

  36. NTMTOM: Want to be a zillionaire? Simply publish a book of all of your hysterical captions/photos! Must buy that book!! You are a purr-fect riot!!

  37. O NO He/She/Di-unt!!! says:

    Hon Glad, ye’re ascending, purty qwickly,
    into zee clevairness supreme!!!!

    very nice wordage AND also accurately descibes le kitayn!!

    The “Literachuah” Crowd
    Goes Wild (waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh)

  38. O NO He/She/Di-unt!!! says:

    ps @ Los Editores: perhaps a “Disapproval”, or an “Impending Danger” Tag????

  39. Dogfather. *snort*

  40. What’s that on the road? A head? (ahead) get it? *slinks away*

  41. Martha in Washington says:

    @belphebe–I do the same thing. As soon as I see the NTMTOM byline I stop scrolling until I can read the whole thing then look at the picture. NTMTOM is my favorite author! I’d get in line days early for the midnight release of his book.

  42. @easol

    >>It’s a Sicilian message. It means the kitty sleeps with the fishes.

    one should always be careful when dealing with the toes ‘n’ nosetra.

    (it might be better said aloud and after a long afternoon of kissing toes and noses.)

  43. Poor kitty. Every time he tries to get out, the dog pulls him back in.

  44. AlbertaGirl says:

    He’ll never be the head of a major corporation.

  45. NTMTOM: MWAH!!!!! You made me ROFLMAO on a day I thought that was impossible.

    @Sharpy, “toes ‘n’ noestra” This made me laugh until I got hiccups 🙂

  46. we should all learn from this lab to be calm and unflappable in the face of open hostility.

  47. Fleurdamour says:

    Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes

  48. @260Oakley you are supreme.

  49. PS: May the first child be a masculine child. :mrgreen:

  50. @Wuyizidi, I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders. :mrgreen:

  51. @Theresa – LOL, I can do this all day.

    Fun fact: the cat in the first scene that Don Corleone was holding was a stray that Marlon Brando found. The cat purred so loudly that it drowned out the lines from the other characters. They ended up having to re-record their voices.

  52. “And this is my halloween face..”

  53. O NO
    Your too kind

    Hon Glad

  54. 😈 I believe you should move your head, dog, unless you want little kitty claws smacking the heck out of you 😈

  55. I love that I see this only 10 minutes after I just finished a godfather marathon (all 3 films in a row, I always forget how long they are!) Perfetto!

  56. I agree that CO should publish a book of NOMTOM posts!

  57. Caption made me LOL!! who writes this stuff, funny sh*t.

  58. I laughed until my eyes got squinty and my nose ran and my face hurt. The premiere caption EVER.

  59. NTMTOM you are hilarious. I had to put my head down on my desk.
    I so needed this…it’s raining cat’s & dogs here…oh, how ironic.

  60. PEERRfect captions. Poor dog. :0)

  61. Excellent Godfather reference! Love it!

  62. S.J. Hartsfield says:

    Looks suspiciously like a confrontation between my girlfriend and myself. Though who’s who varies from day to day…

  63. @Wuyizidi I always thought that Brando must be a cat lover– he handled that kitty like a pro.

  64. Kitty: Oh god! Gedditoff! Gedditoff! Gedditoff!

  65. Meowfia?

  66. I feel so sorry for that Woltz guy in the story… I know, I’m very sensitive. Great writing, btw, Nomtom.