Tales from the Drypt

(cont’d from p. 47) against the smooth, curved surface of the unfamiliar location. Abandoning the escape for the moment, Pembroke surveyed the room. He was alone, he concluded — when suddenly he felt ice-cold fingers against his skin!

Water! Pembroke’s heart thundered in his chest as he scrabbled anew at the unyielding metal walls. He’d heard of this place; a chamber of horrors so ghastly, it was spoken of only in awestruck whispers — when spoken of at all.

A door opened and he went still. One of the dungeon acolytes entered, cradling a bottle of amber liquid. At that instant, Pembroke knew what was in store. It would be the worst agony anyone could bear — and live to tell of it. Its name was enough to chill his blood and send daggers of fire up his spine. This was… bathtime.

Photos by Krystin N. from the Bangor Humane Society (more like the Bangor Kitty-Tormenting Society, am I right or am I right?)

Comments

  1. OMG The scrolldown and story are hilarious! :lol:

  2. Awww, bebeh kitteh, what did you get yourself into? Those claws mean business!

    Fantastic, as always, NOMTOM.

  3. Oh, and hooray for Bangor! I <3 the state I was born and raised in.

  4. duh duh DUH!!! *insert shocked expression here*

    Poor kitty (also … ILU NTMTOM)

  5. Pic 2: “The Producers” hovertext FTW!!!

    “FLAUNT it, baby, FLAUNT it!”

  6. Sir NOMTOM! We are not worthy of your wit and charms! We bow to you!

  7. cyberpunkrocker says:

    Barftime!

  8. fatgrammafinn says:

    Soon to be a major motion picture from the famed director of The Omen: Kitty’s Been Keeping Me Awake All Night Purring in My Ear, and will star Buckles in the role of the Wet Kitten

  9. That is one dirty little kitten. You can still see it on his nose!

  10. Ooops–somebody forgot to clip the claws first!!! *rookies*

  11. Naturalady says:

    Oh Gaaaaawwwwwd. Fantastic story with fabulous photos and sequence and everything about this one. Last photo is killer! Thaaaaaaaaaaank you.

  12. Naturalady says:

    Those are claws of absolute desperation.

  13. 260Oakley says:

    Scenes from the Exorhisst

  14. Awww Pembroke. Let me cuddle and warm you with my dry shirt and warm hands and kiss away your shivers.

  15. Mike, that was text worthy of that famous Bangor patron, S King.

  16. hysterical, both the cat and the story/pictures.
    Love you NOMTOM

  17. NOMTOM, please please please publish the “best of” book. You’re eminently worthy.

    I want to cuddle Pembroke. What a poor sweet little baby!

  18. AuntieMame says:

    Wait! How does the story end?!

    You can’t leave us hanging fire like this, NTMTOM.

    (BWAHAHAHA! Poor kitteh… :D )

  19. I think this baby must be the reincarnation of Paul Newman.

  20. O NO He/She/It DI-unt!!! says:

    “I’m hysterical and I’m WET”
    and “the organ music in the b/ground; should I be worried” =
    BWA HA AND HA outta me. YAY NTMTOM

    (but, also, as an OCD animal lover, I gotta also agree with Auntie Mame.
    But then, maybe that was another part of yer conspiracy, NTM?
    You WANT all the CO’rs to have nightmares tonight??
    –cue the ominous organ music in the background — :) )

  21. yay, NTMTOM – I’ll nth the “best of” request and I’d hop on board to purchase a hardcover copy!

    Oooh – even better, include snide-pun-commentary by Oakley and you’d hit #1 on NYT in NO TIME!

    tee hee hee poor kitteh

  22. knittinkitten says:

    Poor leetle kitteh! Perhaps there will be a treat for you when the bath is done! Its so funny yet sad when kittehs have to have baths. Poor kitteh!

  23. “halp.”

    NTMTOM, brilliant, as usual…

    Pembroke reminds me of Shiraz, when I first plucked her from a KFC parking lot – all dirty and wet and greasy and full of hiss and kitteh-ttitude. Worry not, little Pembroke, you will soon be dry and warm, with a tummy full of deelishus meelks…

  24. Venerable Bead says:

    oh my gaw…the whole thing is excellent but that last pic absolutely SLAYS me.

  25. Likewise – well done throughout, but that picture … that “omg!” picture! Positively Lovecraftian.

  26. that last picture cracked me up. kitties are SO expressive.

  27. Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
    Over many a quaint and curious volume of mouse lore,
    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tap(ping),
    As of something gently dripping, dripping on my chamber floor.
    `’Tis some nightmare’ I muttered, and nothing more –
    Cried the kitten… Nevermore!

  28. Pembroke is an outstanding name for this kitty. I love the gigantic water drop in the second pic. And NTMTOM, you should win the Purrlitzer Prize for this thrilling commentary…

  29. Not That Mike The Other Mike…. you’re ridiculous. :)

  30. The last picture with the kitteh’s OH NOES face is so wonderful! *squeeeeeeee*

  31. The other day at the shelter I heard a poor puppy howling and crying from one of the vet areas and I thought “oh no, what are they doing to that doggie?” Turns out they were giving him a bath.

  32. When did we switch out Lake Tinkle and the flying hammies for the Feline Pine background? I miss the flying hammies . . . but I am all in favor of Meg making some cash off of this brilliance.

  33. Oh so cute and miserable!

  34. You’re right!
    Don’t understand why people wash their cats, it’s torture for them.
    I just hope that poor kitten got a few good scratches in!

  35. After a certain operation, he’ll be PemFixed!

  36. You guys get extra points for the hovertext from The Producers.

  37. Aw darn! Occula (post 25) beat me to it! Very Lovecraftian, indeed, and completely cosmically horribly awesome in a way that old Howard could only hope to emulate.

    Good show, NTMTOM!

  38. LOL, that last picture for the win!

  39. shellybeans says:

    oh, dub1, ‘pem-fixed — it’s too pun-derful.

    in dictionary, next to pa-tet-ic is 3rd down photo.

  40. Poor Pembroke! I hope he makes it out alive :) Awesome story!!

  41. I hear a wolf hoooowling, and castle-thundarrr, and staggered footsteps!
    What was that? Something just touched my shoulder! O-0

  42. Argyle Donkeypants says:

    I love that it’s written all horror-y; makes me wonder if that was done in honor of one of Bangor’s most famous [two-legged] exports, Stephen King. Or maybe it was just co-winkidink.

  43. “And I’m wearing a cardboard belt!”

  44. I’m hysterical and I’m wet I’m in pain and I’m wet and I’m still hysterical.
    Never mind Pembroke here’s your blue blanket.

  45. Martha in Washington says:

    @vandg–when we rescued our kitteh Jeremiah (many, many years ago) from the alley in which he was born, he was so dirty and so covered with fleas we had to bath him several times to get rid of them all. I truly believe he was happy that we had put him through that “torture”.

    @NOMTOM–still waiting for an answer to my previous offer. ;)

  46. Martha in Washington says:

    Awaiting Moderation?? What did I say THIS time that was offensive?!

  47. bookmonstercats says:

    Blue eyes. He has BLUE Eyes. *Thud*.

    Umpteenth seconder (“eh?”) for NOMTOM (The Best Of… for now) Vol 1, with added punning by 260 Oakley.

  48. “Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings? We are only seeing singing Hitlers. “

  49. O crap!

  50. eternalcanadian says:

    oh my freaking goodness that is just too freaking adorable! the expressions on the kitten’s face (and such pretty blue eyes too!) are priceless! to those that say cats are okay with getting wet, well, just direct them here! the indignation of it all, and those claws look like they’re ready for revenge!

    still can’t believe the freaking cuteness of it all! kudos CO! :)

  51. Rockie's Mom says:

    NTMTOM, you outdid yourself with this story.

  52. Stressfactor says:

    Poor kitty. But it’s all for the best! Since this came from a humane society source I’m assuming that poor kitty was a stray, dirty and quite porbably flea ridden.

    Sorry peeps. I know the whole “cats are self-cleaning!” mantra but when it comes to strays often they *aren’t* self-cleaned and the hoomans have to step in to give them a little hand.

    I’m sure once he was all nice and squeaky clean he got adopted by someone who would take good care of him and never let him get into a situation where he needed a bath again.

    But if you think cats are always self-cleaning I’ll refer you to this story about rescued kittens who were infested with fleas… warning, NOT for the faint of heart! http://www.dixieadoptables.com/?page=RescueVideos

  53. Emmberrann says:

    Oh, my, NTMTOM, you have really outdone yourself this time. I want to read the rest of the story. You’re just going to have to do a book of ‘The Best of…’ and include pages 1-46, for heavens’ sake! Thanks for making my day a little Qter.

  54. Darling Creature says:

    Wonderful, funny, so clever!

  55. Hon Glad beat me to it; I was thinking that Pembroke needs a blue blanket, STAT. What a gorgeous baby! Even hysterical and wet, he still has his teeny kitten claws sunk deep in my heart.

  56. vandg, I’m sure the Bangor Humane Society would love to hear your reasons as to why they shouldn’t wash their strays.

    adoption@bangorhumane.org

  57. Heather and the Boston Terriers says:

    Stressfactor: I knew I should not have looked at that page.

  58. Kitties are fast, and even if you are watching them, sometimes they just get into something they shouldn’t and need a bath. Yeah, they don’t like it, but sometimes they need it. My husband was doing a painting for class and somehow, one of our kitties got paint ALL over her. She didn’t like the bath part, but she sure likes to be blow-dried, so it worked out in the end. It’d have been worse to let her lick herself clean and ingest the paint.

    That little kitten looks like he has something all over his face, so I bet he needed the help. And Stressfactor has it right that stray kitties or ones from shelters should probably have a bath when you bring them home.

  59. With all respect, aaand trepidation, to Stephen King, this kitty reminds me of The Man in Black in the Pit of Despair!

  60. O NO He/She/It DI-unt!!!! says:

    (giggling under my breath)

    @ Pyrit:
    y’mean Johnny Cash???

    (“the man in black”…)

  61. Oh why, why was my Producer’s quote disappeared? :cry:

  62. GingerBean says:

    Bangor? I hardly knew her!
    Yay Maine!

  63. O NO – The Man in Black, aka, Dread Pirate Roberts, aka, Wesley, aka Cary Elwes.

    But sure, Johnny Cash. Works for me!

  64. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  65. DAYum, NTMTOM…I hope your day job is writing, or comedy, or comedy writing…because you deserve to be PAID for this sort of cleverness. LOL

    And also: poor kitteh!

  66. Yes, my kitty as a kitten accidently got some lamp oil on him. His mama didnt even want him. I gave him a bath and he has been my buddy ever since. He climbed a wall in garage and pulled on himself.

  67. I hatttte the commercials above on this site!

  68. No…it’s BAFFTIME!

  69. flutterbye says:

    Blue eyes cryin’ in the rain. I can almost hear the pitiful mewlingks here in AZ!

    Story = brilliant. Very much like it was channeled through my favorite author, Stephen King, as already mentioned above!

  70. Nomtom, I’ll watch/read/listen to this story in whatever medium it will be presented.

  71. Producers reference!

  72. GingerBean says:

    I keep coming back to look at these. I have a black cat I’ve had since she was a kitten and this little one reminds me of her. She had blue eyes back then, too though they’re grass green now. That first picture is too funny…evil Yoda cat…hehe

  73. NTMTOM I love you! You make me laugh every time!

  74. I looked on the Bangor HS website and Pembroke is not on there. Guess he found his furr-ever home. Yay Pembroke!!!

    (If that IS your real name, and not a clever nom nom de kitty created by NOMTOM.)

  75. (wonders if there’s any loose change in Jaye’s pockets)

  76. O NO He/She/It DI-unt!!!! says:

    @ pyrit:

    Voici quelque chose,
    duquel nous avons parle ce matin:

    http://www.americaremembers.com/OtherProducts/JCASHBOOK/JCASHBOOK.asp

  77. NTMTOM…very well done. I have to be honest, I look forward to your commentary every bit as much as the pictures.
    That last photo…absolutely priceless.
    I can just hear the music duh duh DUH!!! (thanks Vanesha!!..made me giggle)

  78. OMG I PEED MY PANTS WHEN I SAW THE PICTURES I SENT WERE POSTED! this is the HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    to those who were saying we shouldn’t have bathed the kittens: these guys were 4 week old orphans that came in with lots of fleas and flea dirt in their fur. since baby kittens are often really sensitive to flea treatments, and since these guys were really dirty and didn’t have a mom to clean them, we washed them in dawn dish soap to take care of the fleas and crud in their fur.

    and to those saying “pembroke” wasn’t on the website: he (along with his 4 siblings) is currently in foster care. he will not be up for adoption until he is 8 weeks old, so check back in a while!

  79. @Madame X :D Sounds like your dear sweet Shiraz was a very lucky little kitty to be rescued by you :D How old was she when you found the poor little thing?

  80. :D AWW :D I would just love to wrap that little kitty up in a nice warm fluffy towel and dry him off :D

  81. Do I have permission to continue the story?

    Pembroke atttempted a mad escape, but his claws scrabbled uselessly against the smooth, cold surface, and his fur, slick with the dreaded touch of the water, could no longer hold the rim. He fell howling down into the chamber that enclosed him, imprisoned him, the chamber that was to be his doom.

    He had only one avenue left open to him, and that was no avenue at all: submit to the horrors in store for him, and likely die in the process. He knew, though, that he would take it like a hero. He would not make the smallest noise of pain, or close his eyes. He would stand proudly staring his captors down for the remainder of his life.

    Gosh, I do hope the hero of the story gets out okay. I mean, I continued the story, but i can’t change the plot, that’s up to you guys. (Note: am i allowed to continure the story at all?)

  82. btw, NTMTOM, veeeeeeeeeeery good job on the story. i like that. Have you ever thought about writing books and stuff?

  83. Gosh, i feel a sudden rush of sympathy for poor Pembroke in the story. i mean, he’s scared he’s going to die. I write like this all the time, but this is the first time i’ve really gone inside one of my characters like this… it’s a whole new experience for me. And now I feel so sorry for that poor kitteh – NTMTOM please continue the story soon, and let him live through it!

    I know, I overreact.

  84. O NO He/She/It DI-unt!!!! says:

    yay Krystin N!!!

  85. My cats have never been self-cleaning and must endure bathtime on a semi-regular basis. But, it’s for the best, especially since I’m living with someone who’s allergic. Bathtime reduces dander and kitty poo possibly lingering on dirty little paws.

    This kitteh looks so desperate and adorabuhls. I’m sure he/she got special cuddles after and all was good again. :)

  86. Kristen, I would prepare for fistfights in the parking lot when this little one goes up on the website.

  87. O NO He/She/It DI-unt!!!! says:

    I wish to register Supreme Appreciation of whomever named the lil’ guy Pembroke. THAT was a stroke of genius, worthy of NTMTOM’s stellar storytelling.

    The End.

  88. hahaha awwwwh he goes from looking confused to terrified xDD

  89. @ Kar :twisted: You could also say to “be prepared for the door to be knocked off its hinges by all those people who will break it down to adopt those kitties”. :twisted:

  90. toborzgrrl says:

    The story is much more Lovecraft than King. All it needs is an appearance by The Thing That Left A Mouse On The Doorstep. Or perhaps the Pigeons From Hell.

  91. widdow widdow puppiz r gwreat bwut what about a bathing kwitty ,sow cwute!!

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