The Tortoiseator

Listen and understand, Sarah Connor. That tortoise is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever.



  1. I will hunt you down, suckas!

  2. heatherfeather says:

    haha i want one.

  3. hahahahaha awwwww!!

  4. Tivaleela says:

    Is that a boxer named Whiskey? Love it!

  5. naw! so cute and fast!

  6. man, that guy can book!

  7. Whoa, that tortoise hauls!!!

  8. The Tortoise-Terror is the scourge of the neighborhood because he has a built-in jet propelled battery backpack……!
    (Ummmm; somebody should tell the boxer-goggie that TT is nawt gonna slow down any time soon….) 😯

  9. Man, that tortoise is goin’ like a bat outta shell.

  10. Lovely. I wish I had an in ground pool and a boxer named Whiskey, and got visits from speedy, brave tortoises!

  11. 260Oakley says:

    COW (Cute Overload Wrestling) Presents:
    The Tortoise and the Scare: Duel by the Pool

  12. Awwww tortoise monster<3 !

    I wuv the doggies and tortoise monster<3 !

  13. Why are big(ish) dogs such wimps? My St. Bernard (now crossed the rainbow bridge, alas) used to be afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

  14. It’s a tortoise!! She keeps saying turtle and it’s really annoying me lol

  15. Fast and steady wins the race (and scares the dog)!!

  16. Mr. Tortoise watched one to many Gamera movie.

  17. Lol at Gamera [<3 MST3K]
    But was thinking the Boxer Tortoise Rebellion of 2KC

  18. Tankor, SMASH!

  19. BrianMPLS says:

    omg my laugh muscles are sore! 🙂 (hug) for Tortoise!

  20. LOL @ Dr.Clown’s comment.

  21. btw, it’s a tortoise, not a turtle…no flippers… :-p

  22. (nice to see I’m not the only commenter annoyed by this! 🙂 )

  23. Tortoise: Why do you keep running away from me? I just want to make friends?

    Whiskey the boxer: Uh…I don’t want to alarm anyone, but that rock has legs, and it’s chasing me HELP!

  24. and this video has Max and Lulu all up in arms. Apparently, they need to protect me from whatever it is that the dog on the computer is barking at.

  25. Closed captioning for this video:
    “Woof, woof!! Scritch, scritch, scritch, scritch. Woof, woof!! Scritch, scritch, scritch.”

    Love it.

  26. That tortoise is pretty fast. I had a pet turtle once, and boy, did she move slow.

  27. Queen of Dork says:

    Love the scratchy foots sounds! (scritch, scritch, scratch, scratch).

  28. Queen of Dork says:

    Me and my sister had tortoises for pets when we were little kids and dad was stationed in Germany. Their names were Yertle and Timothy. Wow. That takes me back. Long, long time ago. Nice pets they were.

  29. Awww Yertle! Very good name! I’ve always wanted to name something “Mortimer” and I think a tortoise or turtle is a good candidate….

  30. Queen of Dork says:

    Hahaha! Thinking about Yertle and Timothy took me back. Hey! Maybe we could have a one-hit-wonder of the ’60s and ’70s fest! That could be fun for this day in 2010. I’ll start. Here’s my entry:

    (I hope I did that right. Please forgive me if I didn’t)

    [Looks OK to me – Ed.]

  31. OK Queen of Dork how about

  32. Queen of Dork says:

    Mika: You Rock!! *holding lighter over head* Yeah!!!! That’s what I’m talking about! It’s the third Saturday of the month which means Rocky Horror Picture Show is playing downtown. I might go check that out later. Love U, Mika!!!

  33. Queen of Dork says:

    And Ed: You know how much I love you and I so appreciate what you did and really owe you one. If I could think of a way to pay you back I would. I guess I’ll just be a good girl and not say anything bad! 🙂 I really thank you so much, Ed!

  34. Queen of Dork says:

    Here’s a good one! Yum! 🙂

  35. I love at around 20 seconds the tortoise is like “ok that’s it. if youre sniffing my butt im taking you down, man”

  36. Wow. Speedy. I’m impressed. I saw one of these jogging down the tortoise, not me) a highway in Georgia once. Another great creature!

  37. Queen of Dork says:

    Well, I think I win with this entry. (especially since nobody is playing). GOLD!!!

  38. Resriechan says:

    uh….Q???? I have a competing entry
    —-altho’ I’m choosing to sidetrack the requirement
    of 1960’s/70’s …(sorry about that bit)

    I think this just *might* be fairly decent competishe, other than the inclusive dates:


    Like, TOtally.

  39. I want:

    1. The silly boxer with the ear floppage
    2. The inground pool
    3. The big a$$ grill
    4. Monster Truck Tortoise to guard the house

  40. Moggyfan says:

    QoD: I take umbrage at your calling Creedence Clearwater a “one hit wonder”!! Bad Moon Rising! Have You Ever Seen the Rain! Green River! C’mon! Those were great songs!

  41. I KNOW you have all seen this!

  42. Resriechan says:

    (This is beginning to feel like a scene at a school playground…”ooh, look!!!! a FIGHT!!!”umbrage”!!!!”Kung-Fu Fighting!!!……Hey, Sally, come see!!!….)

  43. Never mind.

  44. Wow! That’s one speedy tortoise. 🙂

  45. HanksMom says:

    Tortoises can get up some speed and they’re not easily distracted.

    Did I mention Hank’s a tortoise? I think Hank could break the sound barrier if there was a dandelion flower at the end.

  46. Not That Mike The Other Mike says:

    @Nana: Maybe you weren’t able to embed the video, but we can still view it by clicking the link in the video player. Thanks for sharing that; it was funny!

  47. Queen of Dork says:

    Holy Crap, Theresa! Good one!
    Resrie: You know I love you!

  48. Queen of Dork says:

    Theresa: Gottcha!! Beat this!

  49. Queen of Dork says:

    Moggyfan: Where did I play CCR? Me confused. 😯

  50. Ha!

  51. Queen of Dork says:

    Theresa: Okay. Wow That was really good. It’s on. ummmm. Hell no, you did not just go there. Okay. Let’s see here…

  52. There’s a deep, deep well of cheesy to dip into here. 😆

  53. Queen of Dork says:

    Man, Theresa. You gave me a run for my money but I think I’ve at least pulled aside here.

  54. Ha ha!!!

  55. Queen of Dork says:

    Dang it Theresa! But I think I’ve got you with this one:

  56. CathyDee says:

    Can I play?

  57. Queen of Dork says:

    CathyDee: Of course! Really good one! I have to think of something to challenge with…hmmmmmm

  58. I love her commentary! “oh my god, look at this thing, it’s flyin’! it bites?? oh it’s chasing me, too…” she reminds me of my bro’s gf

    awesome tortoise action. he can really boogey.

  59. Queen of Dork says:

    Well, this was the worst I could come up with. I think I win with this.

  60. Queen of Dork says:

    Yeah. That should do it.

  61. I was going to mention the friend’s tortoise that gallops over and tries to eat my toes, but apparently you’d all rather share cheesy music videos….

  62. I’m melting! I’m melting!


  63. victoreia says:

    Three Dog Night or Rick Dees….. hmmm, that’s a toughie!

    ….But I believe Jeremiah has a slight edge over the Duck.

  64. Queen of Dork says:

    Okay, Theresa. Okay. You want to play like that? You want to go there? Pretty good, but I’m not through yet.

  65. Queen of Dork says:

    Take that! Bwaaaaahaaaaaaa!

  66. QoD do you have a blog? Or twitter account? People (including me) consistently find you entertaining. 🙂

  67. Courtney says:


  68. Queen of Dork says:

    How very sweet! But I don’t have any of those things. 😦 I just chat on here. Maybe I should get a blog? I don’t know.

  69. Hmmm, aiming pretty low, I see.

  70. victoreia says:

    “…Tell them Boris sent you.”

    Monster Mash rules!

  71. Resriechan says:

    ok guys & galz….I *think* I’ve got the ALLTIME
    cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeziest song right




  72. Resriechan says:

    (PS: WHAT THE ***** is the deal, with leaving a cake out in the rain, in the park??)

    (no, never mind, I don’t think I WANNA know the answer)

  73. Queen of Dork says:

    Dang it! Resrie and Theresa: Dang it all to heck! I must think of something. There’s got to be something…

  74. Queen of Dork says:

    *shoot. I thought I had it with the Mary Hartman thing* hmmmmmmm
    (thinking) (stand by)

  75. Queen of Dork says:

    Okay. *whew* Took me a minute but I think I’ve got you both with this one.

  76. Queen of Dork says:

    I don’t think you can beat this one. Rock Out!!!

  77. Aaaargh! I’ve been ORLANDOED!!!! 😆

    Just you wait, ‘Enry ‘Iggins!

  78. Queen of Dork says:

    Bwahahahahahahaha..hahahhahahahaha..hahahahahahaha. (gasp) hahahahaha!

  79. Queen of Dork says:

    What?! How dare you?! Wha…(sputter and sputter) How dare you! I will match and do something here with this. How dare you?!….

  80. Resriechan says:

    (here’s the thing: I actually LIKE T.O & D & P. Frampton.
    Does that mean that *I’M* cheeeeeeezy?????? No, wait, don’t answer *THAT*, either!!!

    Also @ Q: I think you pretty much *DID* hit the mark, with Mary Hartmann!!!
    That was pretty darn ingenious!!!!)

  81. Resriechan says:

    (PS: the sputterin’ is nice, too 😉 kinda reminiscient of Foghorn Leghorn….. )

  82. awwwww. poor doggie. That’s one fast tortoise. Maybe I’m the only one who wanted to yell, lady put down the camera and save your poor doggie from that fast tortoise!!!!!

  83. @Resrie: In a word, yes. 😀

  84. Resriechan says:

    @ Theresa: ;(


  85. Resriechan says:

    oops here we go let’s try THAT agin



  86. Queen of Dork says:

    This really isn’t a bad song. It’s actually pretty good. But Theresa squashed me and I couldn’t think of anything. And my daughter is driving me nuts. So here’s a groovilicious song!

  87. Moggyfan says:

    QoD: Oh, my toes are curling with embarrassment! What was I thinking???? I had a total brain fart and thought CCR was the band in Joy to the World!! My badbadbadbadbad!!!!!!’s all coming clear to me now….Three Dog Night, LOL!

  88. I think my work here is done. 😉

  89. Queen of Dork says:

    Theresa: I bow to you. *curtsies* 🙂 Love and Peace!

  90. Adorables !!!!!!!!!!! My heart kept skipping a beat everytime the tortoise got near the edge of the pool, it’s just not very safe for him.

  91. omG Peter Frampton STILL rules!!!!!!!!!! omg

  92. QoD, here is fine. You’re plenty loved.

    Apologies to other folks here who are as (or nearly as) awesome as QoD; my brain only allows room for one awesomeness at a time. I didn’t mean to make anyone feel left out. 🙂

  93. Good God, that is a huge tortoise. It’s as big as the boxer

  94. Queen of Dork says:

    Hi Brian MPLS: I tried to talk to you on your website but I guess I’m too goofy to figure it out. I could not reach you. But the itsy bitsy spider climbs up the spout again.

  95. christine says:

    are the little turtle terminator feet sounds real or added in because that almost made me sh*t my pants.

  96. I am awed & humbled by the cheesy-ness displayed here! As a fellow fan of the cheesy, I am surprised nobody has yet mentioned Charlene’s “I’ve Never Been To Me”. I’m not quite sure how to embed the link, so I will leave that to someone else, if my attempt doesn’t work … if they feel it is worthy.

    (my attempt)

  97. What I want to know is what the tortoise planned on doing if it ever made it near that dog. That tortoise was on a mission!

  98. Sweet of you to try. Relatively new there myself.

    Prescription sleep aid will soon preclude my participation in the conversation.
    Does anybody else encounter this? One kind of sleepy where I revert to caveman speech, and another where “big” words reach my mouth more easily than “easy” words. Or… my keyboard.
    Sometimes, apparently, the two can overlap. Sleep soon, I think. 🙂 ‘Night.

    haha I just reminded myself of Egon on Ghostbusters; “Sorry, Peter. I’m petrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.”

  99. Queen of Dork says:

    Goodnight then, Brian sweetheart. 🙂

  100. Spirit: Simple. Bite it until it shuts up or goes away. From various videos, that seems to be a tortoise obsession. I like them!

  101. Queen of Dork says:

    I’m listening to Carly. So there. Nobody can make me. *plugs ears with fingers and goes, lalalalalalalalala*

  102. Queen of Dork says:

    Brian: *shy* I also like turtles. *blushes and smiles*

  103. Queen of Dork says:

    Must sleep now. The medicine the dentist gave makes me tired. I love all you peeps. Whwew.

  104. Brian: Thank you, now I’m amusing myself looking up tortoise videos. They DO seem to love chasing and biting things!

  105. pipsqueek says:

    It’s 2a.m. and I can’t sleep, but at least I’m smiling. It’s a big smile, too. @Q of D, @Theresa, @Resreichan, et al this has been a blast. I feel gloriously young. You all remembered some really obscure stuff. I guess that I’m also a bit cheesy…I really , like some of those songs. I actually listened to Starland Vocal Band, T.O. & D and the Archies twice. What fun!! But geez man I think it’s going to be a long night, what with all this great music, and fun stuff to watch.

  106. (Putting on Professor glasses)
    One important thing to know about the ’70s:
    Cheesiness was not limited to the popular culture. No indeed! Even (finger quotation marks) High Art had to be groovy and resemble a drawn-out acid flashback. Look in awe upon this production of Mozart’s Cosi fan tutte (that’s opera, folks) from the 1975 Glyndebourne Festival!

  107. Hon Glad says:

    Ahem…..If we could return to the matter in hand….Goggie wants to know,why that meat pie keeps chasing him.

    Being an interlecshul,interlecshial erm clever, I have no cheese for you.
    Still my piece of light swinging music at the time was
    Janacek’s Glagolitic Mass 😉

  108. Felicityanne says:

    As the site flashed up I momentarily saw the title as ‘The TortoisEATER’….:(

  109. I met a tortoise like this – they move a LOT faster than in that one fairy tale. I felt lied to. They’re so cool looking though! ❤

  110. I wanna win!

    [Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but what the hell was that!?? 😕 – Ed.]

  111. Queen of Dork says:

    pipsqueak: I actually totally love that song Afternoon Delight. It was a big hit during the summer when I was 12 and my family went on this awesome vacation in Canada. We stayed in a cabin in the woods right by a lake and that song was on the radio all the time. I’ve always thought if one gets to choose their heaven, that particular summer vacation on the lake would be mine. 🙂

  112. Queen of Dork says:

    Heleen: Good heavens. What in the heck was that? That was good. I think you did just win!

  113. Queen of Dork says:

    Theresa: I like your professor glasses! Were they made by Acme?

  114. I love the pics on this site. And the vids. And the peeps. But the very best thing is the captions and write-ups and pop culture references.

    I’LL BE BACK!!!

  115. And don’t forget Michael and Maeby Bluth singing Afternoon Delight… (God, I miss that show)

    …or THIS version…

    it makes me want to wear quiana shirts again

    Also, it is worthy to note, that Gamera, is, in fact, filled with turtle meat.

  116. Queen of Dork says:

    Ed: Your comment about #112 just totally cracked me up ’cause I was thinking the same thing when I heard that! 🙂

  117. @Theresa: but other than the eye-searing yellow backdrop, I didn’t think the 70’s Cosi was cheesy [but I love le grand fromage that is opera].

    here’s the link if the embedding doesn’t work:
    a very CO title, and more CHEESE than WISCONSIN:
    Muskrat Lurve:

  118. Queen of Dork says:

    dub1: Okay. I have a confession to make. I really like that song. I had a 45 of Captain and Tenille when I was a kid. I’m about to make a come back here with some good stuff from the ’70s.

  119. Queen of Dork says:

    Jam on it.

  120. Queen of Dork says:

    Oops. That’s probably not from the ’70s. My bad.

  121. Queen of Dork says:

    Oh, cool! That is from the ’70s! Yay!

  122. Queen of Dork says:

    Okay. One last one and that’s really it for me.

  123. Did somebody say “Jam On It”??? 😆

    (Oooh, here’s a live version!)

  124. Queen of Dork says:

    Theo: Wow! Jam. On. It. *dancing*

  125. Saffron! I had a majah crush on Mike Nelson in college. I’ve never seen his piano bar persona. Hot dude in a tuxedo, riffing: *SWOON* {eyelids flutter and mouth purses at the flat notes until “He is filled with turtle meat”}: funny hot dude riffing in a tux? ded!

  126. snurfles says:

    I say Heleen won this one! And that is one HUGE tortoise! I’d be running and barking just like the doggie! Yikes!

  127. Queen of Dork says:

    hirish: That’s so funny! 🙂 I had a crush on Starsky from Starsky and Hutch! How funny to think of that now. *sprays Loves Baby Soft into the air*

  128. Queen of Dork says:

    And with this, I win. I bring home the gold. BAM!

    [More like Goldenrod. Oh, those ’70s… 🙄 – Ed.]

  129. Queen of Dork says:

    The mustard colored gowns and suits really work for me. I might wear something like that to work tomorrow.

  130. Samantha says:

    I think someone picked up Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs and started thumbing through it to get some of these songs. Just saying. 🙂

    I can’t believe no one mentioned the 1971 classic by Melanie…Ring The Living Bell.

  131. Hon Glad says:

    As well as inventing Radar, Britain must have had a force field, we largely escaped much of this sh…stuff. However it was not strong enough to counter Liberace, though Cassandra of the Daily Mirror had a good try….” A deadly, winking, sniggering, snuggling, chromium plated scent impregnated, luminous, quivering, giggling, fruit flavored
    mincing, ice covered heap of Mother love” This unfortunately resulted in a court case for libel, that Liberace won on the basis that “Fruit-Flavoured” imputed Homosexuality.

  132. Ahaha! I love it! The unrelenting scritching of the tortoise’s feet are the best part. He’s like a tank.

  133. Yitzysmommie says:

    Wow – make my day, vicious killer tortoise(s)- versus bulldogs and floofy creamsicle kitties. Fun videos 😀

  134. @Dub1: Not the two guys’ Yellow Submarine costumes?

    You guys are all awesomely cheesy!!!

  135. Queen of Dork says:

    Oh my gosh, Theresa! I adore Abba! And Supertramp, too! But I don’t like Brussel Sprouts. 😦 Do you like Brussel Sprouts? 🙂 (yucky)

  136. No, I do not like Brussels Sprouts, Sam I Am!

  137. Sarah – it bothered me too that she kept saying turtle. Turtles are water based animals who can go on land. Tortoises are land based animals this means they can move quickly on land. Doesn’t everyone know that? =P

  138. omg @ SAFFRON!! Quiana shirts?!?!? omg….. I have not heard that word in 42 years!!! LOL!

  139. scritch scritch scritch scritch! Space invaders! Scared the crap out of me too!

    “bite him until he either shuts up or goes away” 😀

  140. And PS you guys are all dorks 😛

  141. camivette says:

    I had a backyard tortoise named Elmo that loved to play with the dogs, he ran around the yard with them and I was amazed at how fast he could go. They aren’t aggressive though, I’m sure he was having fun with his new friend!

  142. Here’s a really aggressiv turtle protecting his turf agains every cat who dare put a pawn on it!

  143. Hi hirish! Mike Nelson is doing an impression ( a dead-on good one!) of Michael Fienstien…I think he does the impression in a few other MST 3K skits. Awesome.

    Ahh, marthava, I used to have a quiana shirt with rainbows on it. Go ahead, be jealous. 😀

  144. Queen of Dork says:

    Gosh. I’ve never heard of a quiana shirt. Does anyone have a picture of one?

  145. Resriechan says:

    here is the ONLY link I have found thus far for a pic of a Quiana shirt; I’ve searched on more than one search engine. This pic is pretty small but –is unfortunately — the
    best that is presently coming up:

  146. Fluidstatic says:

    @QoD: dude rockin’ a qiana shirt. with unicorns (?!) on it.

  147. Good lord – wish I had paid more attention to the actual lyrics of some of these cheesier than thou’ songs as I was belting them out at the top of lungs…then again, I was only about 9! Can’t imagine listening to a song that actually had the words ‘subtl e whoring’ in them and not getting yelled at by my Mom. Yikes!!

    Oh yeah, and the turtle chasing the cat was great – reminds me of being chased by a snapping turtle cuz’ I interrupted her as she was laying eggs.

  148. Queen of Dork says:

    Hahahaha! First I looked at Fluidstatic’s picture and I said, (out loud) “Oh my goodness.” Then I looked at Resrie’s picture and I said, “Holy crap.” You guys are totally cracking me up. 🙂

  149. Queen of Dork says:

    Oh no! Resriechan, I just noticed that your website says, “dress that man” No way!! I’m dying laughing over here! When I was really young in my twenties, my best friend and I were at this guy’s house for a party. We both went into the bathroom and he had this cologne called, “That Man” Wow, did we crack up over that. Who the heck in marketing thought of naming that cologne such a crazy thing? The guy was really a sweetie pie but what a strange name for a cologne, eh?

  150. Paunchie says:

    I think those shirts are cool! Well, you know, retro.

  151. I hope the tortoise doesn’t fall on the water. She may not get off, because of it’s edge.

  152. Neopatra says:

    Tortoise is all “Ima GITchoo. And when I GITchoo, Ima BITEchoo.!

  153. Neopatra says:

    More turtle cuteness.

  154. Neopatra says:

    I had no idea turtles were so amorous.


  155. DAMN those Qiana shirts, they FLUNG me back to high school. Although in my HS, boys mostly didn’t wear them. The boys in my HS were mostly flannel-over rock band t-shirt types. 😛

  156. Hon Glad says:

    I am still not clear what a Qiana shirt is, frinstance, is an Hawaian shirt Qiana, is a Versace Qiana…….

  157. Queen of Dork says:

    Hon Glad: I don’t really get it either. They seem to be quite retro. I wonder if they’re made out of that hideous, shiny, polyester stuff we all thought was so cool in the ’70s. Like the clothes John Travolta wore in Saturday Night Fever. (I love that movie!)

  158. Hon Glad says:

    Polyester not so bad quite silk like, but Brinylon BO enhancer.galgh….

  159. Hon Glad says:


  160. Guys, Qiana was an UNnatural fiber invented by Dupont, and was indeed a crucial component in disco-wear. It usually came in the form of tight shirts with big collars ans eye-scorching prints.

  161. Theresa, I salute you.

  162. “Oi, easy on the lever, mate.”

  163. Hon Glad says:

    Patito Gigante – My God, who choreographed and costumed this turkey. The guys in adult size babygrows.It makes me embarassed and I wasn’t even there.

  164. Thats not funny. Thats perfectly normal Sulcata behavior. And its a tortoise, not a turtle, hun.

  165. Try having eight of these guys, of various sizes, trying to ram each other during breeding season…. which starts, oh, about NOW. (Yes, I really do have eight of them. Hubby and I run Sulcata Station…..)

    Ah Spring: When it’s always an adventure in our tortoise pen.

  166. Oh My LORD, Patito Gigante.

    I can’t imagine, but once upon a time, that was hip and fashionable! And those dudes were happy to pull on them levers. *cringe* <>

  167. And now having seen a few seconds of the turtle gettin his freak on with the shoe, I think I’ll go wash my eyes out with soap!

    Ick! And I didn’t know that they made noises like that! Ick!

  168. BStrange says:

    Punnnnsssss…. So many puns….! The vids require synapse soap and something to uncramp my midsection after laughing. I cannot compete, but I applaud the contestants from very far away!

    The Turbo Turtlenator is really scooting along! Must be warm there.

    BrianMPLS said: “Does anybody else encounter this? One kind of sleepy where I revert to caveman speech, and another where “big” words reach my mouth more easily than “easy” words. Or… my keyboard.”

    Yes. ‘Bout half the time I’m posting here I’m in the “articu-groggy” state, too. I may have managed a few tree-pretty-fire-bad moments but if so, I have mercifully forgotten (most of) them.

  169. dukesharp says:

    Now we know why the tortoise beat the hare in that famous race!

  170. Wow, that tortoise is very quick. The poor Boxer can’t handle awesomeness of that magnitude.

  171. haha! i’ve never seen a tortoise that fast before.

  172. Cool!!!! Awesome!!!!
    that turtoise is fast!!!
    wish i had one……..
    P.S. the dog is named whiskey , isnt it???