It’s Time for Cat Massage!

by Not That Mike The Other Mike on September 17, 2009

Petting is passé; your cat wants a massage. From Everything is Terrible comes edited highlights from this inane how-to video, offering such pearls of truth as:

  • Massage will randomly transform your cat into a stuffed animal;
  • A “drooler” is not a person specializing in rings and watches;
  • Right-handed people should use their right hand.

Who’s the best sender-inner in the United States?  It’s you, Nicole M., it’s you!

{ 167 comments }

1 Pat Trenner 09.17.09 at 9:36 am

“You can’t fool drool. Mmmmm…”

Words to live by.

2 kzgz 09.17.09 at 9:39 am

Hello Video Editor! NEVER PRODUCE ANOTHER VIDEO. Please.

The cat is cute though. And she means well…

3 Laura K. 09.17.09 at 9:40 am

oh, for the love of Pete…I couldn’t even finish this video!

4 Jenna 09.17.09 at 9:41 am

Is it just me, or is Champ the most docile cat ever? Wonder if he had a taste from her “water” before taping began?

5 Starlinguk 09.17.09 at 9:41 am

I massage my cat, he luuuuuuurves it. He goes all floppy.

6 bargles 09.17.09 at 9:41 am

What the HELL did I just watch!? :-|

7 Sher 09.17.09 at 9:42 am

This is a bit odd, I must say, but there is a moment I love. It’s towards the end during “tail massage,” when she’s oblivious that the cat (mostly comatose until now) raises its head to check on what’s really going on down there. Now THAT’s cute! ;-)

8 Rubiatonta 09.17.09 at 9:44 am

That is one gorgeous Russian Blue! I’m not sure how my blue girl would feel about the twaddle narration, but I know she’s the queen of belly-rubs. No drool, either. Off for some quality snorgle time!

9 moontreestudios 09.17.09 at 9:47 am

Whoooo’s the best cat in the uniiited staaates?! it’s YOU, champer-damper!

10 mimzysmom 09.17.09 at 9:49 am

ok, at 2:40, the cat looks like it is saying WTF? Massaging my tail?

11 Not That Mike The Other Mike 09.17.09 at 9:51 am

@Moontree: That’s the part of this clip that slays me the most: That song. And why “… in the United States”? Your typical cat owner would say “Who’s the best cat in the whole wide world,” but apparently Contessa von Shoulderpads here didn’t want to risk an international incident.

12 Camille 09.17.09 at 10:04 am

I don’t know why I find the stuffed tiger so disturbing. Normally I liked stuffed tigers just fine.

13 Scruffylove 09.17.09 at 10:04 am

This could very well be Kristen Wiig in an SNL digital short.

14 Claire 09.17.09 at 10:06 am

NTMTOM: “Contess von Shoulderpads” made me snort coffee up my nose. Fantastic!

15 gryt 09.17.09 at 10:08 am

I would rank this up there with SNL’s “Schweaty Balls”. Brill. “The front of your cat is a veritable treasure chest of fun”…. Omg. :D

16 Scruffylove 09.17.09 at 10:08 am

“You don’t need a pool for this breast stroke!”

17 The Urban Cowboy 09.17.09 at 10:09 am

Power purring? Hmmmmmm…LMAO, this is hilarious!

18 Cirocco 09.17.09 at 10:10 am

This was so painful. Couldn’t stop laughing.

19 mooseb 09.17.09 at 10:14 am

What kind of drugs is that cat on?

20 Heidi 09.17.09 at 10:15 am

I couldn’t get my 3 month old kitten to sit still even if I wanted to do that. This lady is so bizarre, but I’m so transfixed!! So unintentionally hilarious!

21 Stunbunny 09.17.09 at 10:15 am

“Use two hands to double your pleasure and double your fun.”

Yeaaaaaaaahhhhh…. I’m just gonna walk away now.

22 pyrit 09.17.09 at 10:16 am

It’s, now don’t quote me, but, it’s, Chaucer’s, er, Champ’s, “gapped toothed wife of Bath”, er, massage…
gah, nbrmnd.
(shades of obscure)

23 Sweeda88 09.17.09 at 10:18 am

*Falls to the floor in disbelief* Is this woman for real?! This is just a parody, right… RIGHT?! This video made me feel like I’d seen something I’d just as soon never see again. “What has been seen cannot be unseen…” *shudder* >.<

24 Cashew 09.17.09 at 10:18 am

Somebody needs to hook this lady up with Engineers With Cats! They could make the greatest cat-satire (catire?) programming ever! (and I didn’t even watch it with the sound on- definitely going to after work though!)

25 Hon Glad 09.17.09 at 10:23 am

Well thank you Mrs Obvious, when is your instructional video on how to switch a light on coming out?
Most cats don’t like their tails being touched, the WTF look he gives is priceless, he reacts, even though heavily sedated, well you would have to be to tolerate this vapid ninny.

26 bargles 09.17.09 at 10:24 am

@Scruffylove: TOTALLY! I was waiting for her to take off in a hot-air balloon at the end! Hahahahahaha!!!

27 binky-mama 09.17.09 at 10:28 am

I only need to know one thing: Where do I get me a flippin’ sweet blazer like that?

28 Katrina 09.17.09 at 10:32 am

That was 3.12 second I’ll never get back, but I did learn this: That the Cat Loving Engineers and she could indeed make a fine video and that when a cat looks at you with daggers- STOP messing with the tail. Sheesh-if looks could kill…

The lady means well, and I applaud her getting all gussied up and showing us her Champion. Champion is a very well-loved puddy-tat and that is great! I’d love to hear his “demanding a massage” sounds! Ah, that is for another video, I’m afraid. I shall not laugh at an honest effort. Claire- what have I told all our fellow Peeps about drinking and watching CO? Thaaaaaaat’s right, don’t do them simultaneously or at the same time, even….

29 Tiger Lily 09.17.09 at 10:32 am

Hmmm. I wonder if the tail technique is transferable to humans.

30 Katrina 09.17.09 at 10:33 am

Tiger Lily- yes, with the possible exception of the tail, I suspect, in most cases.

31 kk3 09.17.09 at 10:42 am

As for the stuffed tiger. That was probably cuz her kitty was getting pretty pissy and she didn’t want to bleed on camera! The video was actually boring and ….well…stupid…uh…and not entertaining….and I pray she never makes another.
Cashew : Engineers with Cats are actually funny…please don’t wish there videos to be ruined by this lady….sigh….

32 plousia 09.17.09 at 10:42 am

Wow. That is all I can say.

33 kk3 09.17.09 at 10:43 am

make the “there” a “their”…sorry

34 J. 09.17.09 at 10:47 am

@Laura K., I am so with you. Also, is that cat drugged?

For the record, as I am typing this, my three-foot-long adorable black cat, Felix, is passed out in my lap — without having gotten a massage. Though I have to say I prefer this spot to his last one, the Shift and Caps Lock keys on my laptop.

35 mamamclain 09.17.09 at 11:09 am

What’s really disturbing, is that my three year old has that same stuffed tiger. We named it Hobbs, for the Calvin and Hobbs cartoon. For some reason, I want to take it away from him now, now that I know that creepy hippy woman had her hands on one similar. Am I wrong? but anyway, meh, that lady creeped me the crud out!

36 trucka 09.17.09 at 11:10 am

uh, im going to go take a shower now. near the end, i half expected this lady to head to the cats naughty-bits. this was plain creepy…so im going to show it to all my friends :D

37 Paunchie 09.17.09 at 11:13 am

Use your right hand. Unless you wanna try the left.

But she didn’t rub the back of his neck, and that’s the prime spot!

38 Dee 09.17.09 at 11:14 am

yeah, wtf is up with the tiger? perhaps that is Champ’s stand in for when he’s annoyed and trying to scratch her eyes out?
My cat is a drooler. Now, I love him more than anything, but frankly it’s gross.

39 Juno 09.17.09 at 11:18 am

Go ahead, massage my dad’s cat’s tail. You’ll be drawing back a bloody stump.

And can I just say . . . BELLYRAMA!!

40 chook 09.17.09 at 11:19 am

my cat would eat me if i tried to pet her like that.

41 foxy 09.17.09 at 11:22 am

I wasn’t going to watch, but then all the quotes drew me in. So now I throw in one from a pet movie,
“We can love our pets, we just can’t LOVE our pets”

42 Samkins 09.17.09 at 11:31 am

That cat seriously seems sedated

43 darkshines 09.17.09 at 11:32 am

“Most people will go mid back….meh!” LOVE IT

44 mfar 09.17.09 at 11:44 am

Not sure who’s on stronger drugs – the cat or the dame!

45 Chantel 09.17.09 at 11:48 am

O. M. G. That isn’t real right? The LOOK on the cat’s face – all WTF??
(and that’s what I’m thinking too)

46 Dora D. 09.17.09 at 11:49 am

Ummmm….
what…

47 pyrit 09.17.09 at 11:50 am

Juno – I thought you wrote, “massage my dead cat’s tail…”

It wont help any, Hon.

48 i_wuvs_puttins 09.17.09 at 11:51 am

The look on that cat’s face is priceless when she starts massaging his tailio. He’s probably thinking, “she has to go to sleep sometime,” at which point he’ll either shred her face or leave a little gift in her favorite pair of shoes.

49 Susan 09.17.09 at 11:52 am

In THIS case a drooler is not a person specializing in rings and watches? Um.

50 essensual 09.17.09 at 11:58 am

The vid was so-so, the cat was a gem and the “Contessa von Shoulderpads ” got me LOL…(still laughing…)

51 kzgz 09.17.09 at 11:58 am

PLUS she doesn’t really “massage” the cat at all – just pets him in kind of ineffectual ways. The way that kitty’s tail is twitching at times is telling me “NOT going to ask for THIS again.”

52 Trixie 09.17.09 at 12:01 pm

Remember: You can’t fool drool.

53 essensual 09.17.09 at 12:02 pm

It was just ok until NTMTOM —> Good catch on the United States and Contessa von Shoulderpads had me laughing so hard!

54 NutellaonToast 09.17.09 at 12:06 pm

“What kind of drugs is that cat on?”

A lot of them.

Oh… the cat? Well, he is straight sober…

55 Trixie 09.17.09 at 12:07 pm

This woman reminds me of Suze Orman.
“Cats first, then money, then things.”

56 fluffernugget 09.17.09 at 12:10 pm

I couldn’t get past the snazzy jacket and makeup.

57 KittyAdventures 09.17.09 at 12:13 pm

OMG Best Video Ever… Still Chocking on my laughter here at work..

even thinking about the tail part makes me tear up again… the look on the cats face!!!

58 Sara 09.17.09 at 12:14 pm

This must be from the new season of Tim & Eric…right?

59 Theresa 09.17.09 at 12:14 pm

Print= Animal pattern + vegetation, for those for whom neither is sufficent.

60 foxflur 09.17.09 at 12:17 pm

Oh geez, that was too good! best vid ever :)

61 Dee 09.17.09 at 12:17 pm

PS… and why is he only the best cat in the United States? Why not the whole world?

62 Patito Gigante 09.17.09 at 12:28 pm

This one says it’s the “Best Cat In Town”… but this one says “Best Cat Around”…

63 Claudia 09.17.09 at 12:30 pm

I don’t care how earnestly she looks at me and Champ while giving these “tips”, I won’t stop laughing, that was the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen!

64 Holly 09.17.09 at 12:32 pm

That looked like some shtick from SNL. Loved the look on the cat’s face when she did the tail. More Acepromazine please!!!! Notice the woman was wearing long sleeves, possibly to cover her scars.

65 Theresa 09.17.09 at 12:38 pm

“Let’s see those scars the Germans made on her back! Those terrible scars! How about it, Maria? “

66 MEGarde 09.17.09 at 12:45 pm

On YouTube, the info for this video contains a phone number which will connect you with someone who will give you (not your cat) a very different kind of massage. No, I didn’t call the number, just googled it.

67 AmyJ 09.17.09 at 12:54 pm

kzgz, that’s pretty much what I was thinking. That’s pretty much how I scritch my kitty all the time anyway.

that video really was stunningly hilarious. I have to say, though, that I’m starting to feel sorry for the lady – she does mean well, and her kitty is well loved. But on the other hand, that video really was stunningly hilarious.

68 chloebean 09.17.09 at 12:54 pm

Dee, I wondered that myself. I guess it’s because MY cats are the best in the world?

69 kzgz 09.17.09 at 12:54 pm

@Theresa – PLUS a patchwork motif to bring it all together!

70 Nicole Montalbano 09.17.09 at 1:17 pm

Wow you posted my submeeshon!

Champer-Damper!

71 Scruffles 09.17.09 at 1:24 pm

My face actually started twitching half-way through that video. I also started glancing around as if I were doing something naughty. I hope to god my memory hasn’t tucked away bits of this to revisit me in a future nightmare. Vapid cat lady of horror!

72 Jessa 09.17.09 at 1:27 pm

See, this is why I don’t get cat people.

73 Not That Mike The Other Mike 09.17.09 at 1:38 pm

The video, I have learned, is titled “Your Cat Wants a Massage,” released in 1999 and hosted by Maryjean Ballner and “Champion.”

Alarming as it may sound, this is not the only instructional video on this subject. A search at Amazon turned up three DVDs about cat massage, one of them also covering dog massage.

74 victoreia 09.17.09 at 1:44 pm

No, no, no, chloebean–my cats are the best in the Universe! :P

Now…..do I actually watch the video, or not? Decisions, decisions…..

75 Blondie 09.17.09 at 1:49 pm

Wow, that’s wonderful. I think I’ll call them instead of going on my next date.

76 Delana 09.17.09 at 1:53 pm

Ok this woman is out of her mind…my 2 love to be petted but I can only imagine the hiss and fake bite I would get trying these antices, my girls would say ” momma get the f*ck off me”

77 Kelsey 09.17.09 at 2:09 pm

That was a slow torture, but like a car-wreck, in that I couldn’t turn away. That poor kitty. He gets lots of pettings, scritchings, and massages, but he lives with that loony. :) Kinda kidding- it’s quite obvious she loves the heck out of that animal.

78 mfar 09.17.09 at 2:16 pm

Does John Waters know about this? Or could he, perhaps, be the evil genius behind this little vid?

79 two silver cats 09.17.09 at 2:25 pm

She kinda reminded me of Meg Ryan, in a sort of loudly-dressed too-much-valium sort of way. Does anyone remember those “Sew-Easy” make-your-own-clothes pattern things in the back of fabric stores? This was always the Featured Outfit.

Btw, I am going to call my cat “Contessa von Shoulderpads” from now on.

80 Paunchie 09.17.09 at 2:43 pm

cat/dog massage and cat/dog yoga, it’s all the rage ntmtom….

81 Juniper Jupiter 09.17.09 at 2:45 pm

Oh, PISH to all who diss this viddy!! Keep in mind EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TALK TO YOUR CATS THE EXACT SAME WAY BEHIND CLOSED DOORS!

Including me! :P

Awesome find, Nicole!

82 sunny 09.17.09 at 2:51 pm

I think that she has been sneaking some of her cat’s nip.

83 Kelly Watson | Marketing To Women 09.17.09 at 3:05 pm

Is it just me, or does the cat look totally unenthused about getting a massage?

Lady, that’s not power-purring … that’s a cry for help!

84 Emerson 09.17.09 at 3:09 pm

I. loved. this. Second, third, fourth the many people who said the best moment was when she started petting the tail, and the cat was like, “Um…”

85 Mary (the first) 09.17.09 at 3:27 pm

Sorry to complain but there have only been two posts today and they are both YouTube. I can’t easily watch them at work. I come here when I need a break from work badness and can’t see a darn new thing because they are videos! BOO HOO and BAROOO and all that. How about a new cute PHOTO instead?! PLEASE. I’m begging. There is a lot of work badness I need relief from. (Yeah, I know, “From which I need relief.” Deal with it.) (See what I mean? I’m getting cranky with no new cute!)

86 motheralice 09.17.09 at 3:57 pm

I think that might be the most warped thing I’ve ever seen….

Tail massage kinda squicked me out, but the rest was funny.

87 maralisil 09.17.09 at 4:05 pm

My kitteh loves her shoulders gently rubbed, an important section to remember. Think of all the work those muscles do! She has a good point about the facial “bliss” spots, which any observant cat lover should know by heart. My cat’s a “drooler” too, which is accompanied by the out of focus eyes and steady purring! ;)

88 rafi 09.17.09 at 4:11 pm

NTMTOM – the full video is 103 minutes long! Just imagine that. I’m a librarian and now I’m tempted to try to track down a copy. I don’t want to actually fork over any of my hard earned cash for one.

I feel kinda sorry for Champer-gamper. My tabby boy, Philly Cream Cheese, (see my avatar) is the “Best Kitty in the Whole Entire History of the Universe!” He likes it when I sing his “Best Kitty in the Universe” song to him.

And please, for the sake of the kitties, remember – You can’t fool drool.

89 Aly 09.17.09 at 4:14 pm

Cat massages. Pet-icures. Pet plastic surgery (a pet plastic surgeon offered to help my dog with her saggy boobs, uh!).

WHAT NEXT.

Personally I love this video. I have watched it 5 times today. I LOVE IT. I especially love the awkward pause after chinny chin chin.

“Remember: you can’t fool drool…MMMMMMM.”

Bellyrama,
Aly

90 Katt 09.17.09 at 4:47 pm

Champer-Damper is my new hero.

91 rafi 09.17.09 at 4:54 pm

Anybody in RI? Because I’m afraid I’m gonna need someone to come over to my house and, you know, rescue me because I can’t tear myself away from this crazy vid. And it totally gets crazier upon repeated watching.
“Whoooo’s the best cat in the uniiited staaates?! it’s YOU, champer-gamper!”
How about, “Whoooo’s the best cat in those states east of the Mississippeeeeee?”
Or “Whoooo’s the best cat in cities with a professional baseball teeeeeaaaam?”
Or, finally, “Whoooo’s the best cat in the part of Cranston Rhode Island that’s bordered on the east by Garden City Maaaaalllll? It’s YOU, Champer-gamper! It’s YOU.”

I’m seriously sorry, I’m gonna go have some of whatever drug champer is on.

92 Ray 09.17.09 at 4:54 pm

I’m glad that I wasn’t the only one creeped out by this vid. Lady, don’t do this ever again!

That said, I still practice many forms of cat-massage to the delight of my big furry guy. I’m sure the many folks that follow CO could write quite a tome on this subject.

93 Mary (the first) 09.17.09 at 4:54 pm

Well finally I get to see the video.. I’m sure glad I”m not the only one who found it a bit ridiculous. I do have a book called “How to Massage your Cat” that is hilarious. It’s clearly toungue in cheek though. This video, I’m not real sure if she’s serious or really pulling our legs. And yeah, the best moment was when she said something like “start at the butt”and the cat “HUH? DO WHAT?!?!?!” immediately. I may have to watch this again.

94 Noelegy 09.17.09 at 4:57 pm

What, nobody else was bugged by the “vice-a versa”? Argh!

I have to admit, I actually bought the Linda Tellington Jones video called “Tellington Touch” years ago when I had a behaviorally-challenged kitteh.

95 Cordelia 09.17.09 at 5:00 pm

The look on the cat’s face at 2:39 is awesome. He looks so put-out that she’s bugging him!

“Contessa von Shoulderpads” – ROFLOL!

96 Decca 09.17.09 at 5:35 pm

It’s like the touch of a fairy.
Personally I think she’s touched like a fairy.

97 Samantha 09.17.09 at 5:46 pm

I approve of this post so much, I think I just started drooling.

98 joods 09.17.09 at 5:47 pm

“use two hands to double your pleasure double your fun.”
zomgsnork!

99 Jen8 09.17.09 at 5:59 pm

Hold me. I’m scared.

100 DJ 09.17.09 at 6:12 pm

Did I accidentally type stupidoverload.com into my browser?

[If you have to ask... - Ed.]

101 Rafe 09.17.09 at 6:12 pm

poor stoned kitteh :(

102 chanpon 09.17.09 at 6:16 pm

Holy cow! What basement did they dig this lady and her technicolor dreamcoat out of? Please, put her back.

On the other hand, I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.

103 Roxy Sprocket 09.17.09 at 6:22 pm

I totally own this movie. It’s all as amazing as this clip.

104 pounamu 09.17.09 at 6:58 pm

I”m sorry but this one just bordered on disturbing for me. This poor, sad woman. The whole thing made me uncomfortable. I don’t know who was enjoying this more, the cat or her strange, strange owner.

If I’m completely honest, it was pretty hilarious too. In a deranged sort of way.

105 kittensnotkids 09.17.09 at 7:02 pm

did she actually say touch “like a Fairy?” LIKE A FAIRY?!?!?!!!!

SHE DID!

wow.

106 Snorkle 09.17.09 at 7:15 pm

I’ve never commented on this site but I have to on this one–Best. Clip. Ever. I’m still picking pita bits out of my hair after laughing at this clip. It kind of reminded me of the infamous “Welcome to My Home” clip that you can tell means well but seems to have been created by cult members circa 1987.

I want to learn how to instantaneously turn my Russian Blue into a stuffed tiger and back again. Would make bathing him so much easier.

107 Teresa 09.17.09 at 7:26 pm

:D AWW :D That kitty is SO happy with his owner petting him :D

108 Daphne Moss 09.17.09 at 7:58 pm

*wiping eyes, catching breath*
Ooh, my gawd …. this was f-in hilarious. The only way this could have been funnier is if she’d been wearing a Snuggie. (What nice lady nees to have a hot date, and really soon?)

109 MediocreDeity 09.17.09 at 7:59 pm

“Contessa von Shoulderpads” made me laugh even harder than this video. Send “Not That Mike The Other Mike” a free calendar for comment of the month or something. :P

110 rcg 09.17.09 at 8:04 pm

okay folks, if you think this video is disturbing, watch it again and think either, um, master of her domain, or instructing her boyfriend on how to, um, do it right. it’s the only thing i could think of to make sense of this video.

111 pigpoo 09.17.09 at 8:08 pm

whoa! she’s scary!

112 MediocreDeity 09.17.09 at 8:33 pm

Okay, maybe I am totally out of my bloody mind, but at some parts of this video, this woman kinda looks like the LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE guy. (Chris Crocker.)

Here are some screencaps of her face compared to screencaps of Chris Crocker’s face:

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v185/MediocreDeity/?action=view&current=CatLadyChrisCrocker.jpg

113 Catalina 09.17.09 at 8:46 pm

creepy lady LOL “caution!!!”

114 SketchRx 09.17.09 at 9:15 pm

“You don’t need a swimming pool for THIS breast-stroking!”

Ummm. Can we say… FAVORITE NEW PICKUP LINE?? Will put this one to immediate use in the wooing of male companions. I’m sure that it shall be met with 100% success… who doesn’t like a veritable treasure chest (see what they did there with the word play??) of fun??

115 Morne 09.17.09 at 9:36 pm

People, seriously? There is literally no way this video is sincere. This woman is just having fun, or possibly being a paid actor. I mean yeah she is teaching you how to massage a cat, but in a very tongue-in-cheek way.

In other news, this video is all kinds of awesome.

116 dub1 09.17.09 at 9:55 pm

I hope shortly after taping, someone took this woman gently but firmly by the hand and led her into the outside world with sunshine and other humans . . .

Would LOVE to see the two catyodeler imaginerds remake this vid.

117 Theresa 09.17.09 at 10:48 pm

Wasn’t Contessa Von Shoulderpads the one that the guy in “The Sound of Music” was going to marry?

118 Staci 09.17.09 at 10:51 pm

*facepalm*

Of course there is animal massage, but what I see mostly is just for racing horses. This lady is just redonk. I am a massage therapist and I do not approve this video. Lawl.

119 melissadesa 09.17.09 at 11:55 pm

LOL @ NTMTOM’s “Contessa von Shoulderpads”.

120 Holly 09.18.09 at 12:36 am

I laughed so hard I cried…the comments were hilarious too. Love it!

121 jimmynorth 09.18.09 at 2:16 am

wow! tht cat looks so relaxed! it seems that he really likes the massage. lol! i should try this massage with my cat. i hope she will not scratch me.

122 jackie31337 09.18.09 at 3:15 am

The early 90s called. They want their fashion and hairstyle back.

123 Alice the Brit 09.18.09 at 3:52 am

well the video was just excruciating to watch, but I suffered through till the end hoping there might be some redeeming quality (like the cat rearing up on it’s hind legs and paw boxing the lady in the face) …

… but the comments … now THOSE were hilarious and had me crying with laughter, so cuteoverload is redeemed again !!!

124 Rachael 09.18.09 at 4:52 am

Rafi, I sing my own version of “You’re the Two Best Babies in the Whole Wide World” to my doglets. One responds by licking my mouth and the other one howls. :D

I wouldn’t think you’d need instructions on how to massage your pet. Doesn’t it just come, like, naturally?

125 Kristinpants 09.18.09 at 5:18 am

oMg best video ever!! ! !

126 Kristinpants 09.18.09 at 5:20 am

!

127 rafi 09.18.09 at 5:35 am

Wait! I’m right-handed. So which hand should I use? I get so confused.
Better watch it again.

And Power Purring is not so much purring as WTFing, I think.

128 rafi 09.18.09 at 5:40 am

@ Roxy Sprocket – You own this movie!? Where do you live? Can I come over for a movie night? I’ll bring crunchies.

PS – I’m a crazy cat lady but not crazy like in a Bad Way. :-)

Bellyrama!

129 mary78 09.18.09 at 6:28 am

This was HILARIOUS. The best cat in the united states? Why limit yourself to this country? How about the western hemisphere? Or the whole world? I’m glad there are strange people in the world….they entertain regular people like us. I can’t imagine what the entire video would be like.

130 blair 09.18.09 at 7:06 am

tomorrow: how to teach your dog to teach you to play “fetch”

131 Esri Rose 09.18.09 at 8:42 am

This is why I don’t post videos of me petting my cat. Because it’s basically kitty porn. Trust me, that cat isn’t sedated AT ALL.

132 Barbarella a.k.a. The Mad Cat Lady 09.18.09 at 8:43 am

Personally, I think this video is a bit generalised. If you have a cat that is a bit into S&M like my boy Lugosi, he likes his massages a bit rougher and that *really* sends him purring – check out this video! ;)

133 shazzanorth 09.18.09 at 9:14 am

There is a hilarious book called “How to Massage Your Cat” by Alice M. Brock (yes – of Alice’s restaurant). My favorite line is: turn the ears back until you hear the click. It is not a real “how to” but it is very funny! You can still find it at Amazon.

134 Working Rachel 09.18.09 at 9:16 am

That was the creepiest thing EVER. And dirty! And completely void of any content whatsoever!

135 Laura 09.18.09 at 9:20 am

Whoooo’s the stuffed tiger in the uniiited staaates?! Way too funny!

136 Don 09.18.09 at 9:53 am

well. that was bad. Who can I contact to get that 3:12 min back !!!!!

137 lila_may_qt 09.18.09 at 10:41 am

*blink blink* Wha~?

What did I just watch there? I can’t exactly tell… it’s like I’ve just blacked out the last 3 minutes.

138 skippymom 09.18.09 at 11:32 am

Hey, I never knew the 49th Street Bridge Song was actually about cat massage!

My mother was at my house yesterday and was reading my copy of How To Massage Your Cat. She’d never seen it before. I agree that “until you hear the click” is the funniest bit!

139 Pheas 09.18.09 at 11:34 am

I see I’m not the only one to immediately think SNL, but I was thinking of “Dog Show!” Remember that, with Molly Shannon? Although, it IS also reminescent of the Kristen Wiig balloon skit and her Suze Orman impression! “First people, then jyackets ….”

140 unci 09.18.09 at 11:37 am

ACINAPI.
A cat is not a percussion instrument.

141 Patito Gigante 09.18.09 at 12:53 pm

Best in town… best around

142 jojo 09.18.09 at 2:11 pm

you’re funny and your cat’s adorable. Mine drools too.

143 Theo 09.18.09 at 2:19 pm

@Unci — you are entirely correct. Cats are TAFFY. ;)

144 Teeny Gozer 09.18.09 at 2:43 pm

You know, I dabble in being something of a crazy cat lady, but I bow in the deepest respect to this woman, who is the Craziest Cat Lady of them all!

145 Margaret Elmendorf 09.18.09 at 2:43 pm

Well the video was something else but the comments were hesterical. I used to have a cat that drooled but it wasn’t being massaged.

146 junkfoodmonkey 09.18.09 at 3:02 pm

“Damn, the cat is hiding behind the dryer in the basement and refuses to come out and I really want to finish the video… oh, wait I’ll just use this stuffed tiger. Some clever editing and nobody will ever know the difference!

147 Laura 09.18.09 at 4:33 pm

Did anyone read “massage” as subtext for masturbation in this video? Watch it again, replacing the word.

148 KittyMarthaPoo 09.18.09 at 5:07 pm

Two things:

1.) OMG, totally ’80’s fashion!
2.) that is the most awesomely mellow, relaxed cat on the planet! I WANT HIM

149 Amy G 09.18.09 at 7:03 pm

omg I loved “Belly Rama!”

LMAO!

150 berthaservant 09.18.09 at 7:30 pm

Weird. But I must say, the second I started playing it, Bertha woke up and began snorgling me incessantly.

151 debbsc 09.18.09 at 8:10 pm

Barbarella, my boy kitty likes his butt spanked, too!

Back to the original video, though, if this is not a spoof, that lady’s NUTS! And her jokes are completely lame, especially the one about the “drooler” and rings and watches. So sad.

152 muttluver 09.18.09 at 10:44 pm

Okaaaayy…… way too many hilarious comments for me to mention them all, but whoever said, “Put her back!” — that was hilarious.

Barbarella, the kitty being spanked looks like he’s trying to get away. Could just be me, since I’m a dog lover & am not familiar wif kitties, but that’s what it seemed like.

The only thing this lady taught me was….. nothing. No pet /really/ likes their tail massaged that I know of. My dog might half enjoy it if he’s in a good mood & he has an itch, but he’ll generally look back at me (much the same as this cat) as though to say, “Hey! That’s my tail, and it’s delicate! Hands off, weirdo!”

And does anybody share my pain? I come here at night a lot, so I have to stifle my laughter. It’s more like panting–I call it silent laughter. And I’m starting to do it in the daytime, when I’m free to laugh out loud. HALP!

To Martha (the first), if you need more cute, just browse the archives. Honestly, there’s millions of entries. Even if you’ve seen them, they’re still funny. Especially if you’ve seen the comments.

And I don’t think the cat was on drugs. He’s just very mellow.

153 Jim K. 09.19.09 at 11:24 am

Muttluver – I curious what part of the spanking video told you the cat was “trying to get away”? Was it how, when Mommy stopped, it stayed put? How it rolled over and exposed its belly? How it rubbed on everything in sight? The purring?

154 Merry Stewart 09.19.09 at 12:56 pm

Is it my imagination, or did this woman forget to put eyeliner on her left eye? Very very strange looking.

155 Saffron 09.19.09 at 1:07 pm

The fact that the video has a ‘nightmares’ tag make me happy. :D

156 Hermes 09.19.09 at 1:21 pm

I guess my cat is one of the few who loves to have even his tail pet, lol. He’s got such long tail fur that I have to go from tip to tail to get the loose hair or so he doesn’t melt in the texas heat.

That said, the video is complete crack

157 Morgan 09.19.09 at 4:49 pm

that is amazing. amazing

158 Barbarella a.k.a. The Mad Cat Lady 09.20.09 at 1:17 am

Laura: I have had this conversation before with someone on youtube, who was making claims that for cats all this “massaging” has sexual overtones. I told the person to give me scientific proof of that, and they couldn´t.

This is a typically, sick and dirty HUMAN way of thinking, where everything that looks pleasurable in other species is compared with the human sexual pleasure. Okay, so I say “little pervert” when I give Lugosi “spankers”, but that´s just a pisstake and a silly thing to say. Trust me, if I knew that this kind of thing was giving my cat sexual pleasure I would NEVER do it. But I do NOT believe that it´s sexual with cats, it´s simply the same kind of pleasure that we would get from a back rub or a head massage, for example – but unlike us, cats *show* how much they like it with their physical and audio (purr) reactions.

Anyways, you make your own mind up about this, that´s just my 2c on this.

159 Me 09.20.09 at 8:18 am

This video is not about pleasuring your cat sexually, nor is it about massaging your cat. Does no one realize that it’s just full of sexual innuendos? I’ve read comments where people call this lady nuts and it was a waste of their time watching this video, but it’s just comedy. Others mentioned SNL (Saturday Night Live for those who are not familiar), which is basically the same kind of comedy. You would definitely see this type of skit on a show like SNL. So before you start saying this lady is whacked out of her tree, watch the video again and take note of the sexual innuendos.

160 muttluver 09.20.09 at 9:46 am

Jim K.: OK, ok! So I don’t know cats! I just noticed how the girl had to keep pulling the cat back so she could “spank” him some more.

As for all the sexual stuff: you really only notice it if you have a dirty mind–I know from all my friend’s “that’s what she said” jokes that practically /anything/ can be perverted.

161 David Spor 09.20.09 at 3:24 pm

“Caution: Your cat will either like this or it won’t.”

That about sums up everything you could ever do.

162 terminallycute 09.20.09 at 7:55 pm

Eh, I couldn’t even finish the video, it was just toooo awful.

163 Patito Gigante 09.20.09 at 10:01 pm

“Who’s the best cat in the greater Los Angeles area, hmm? Who is it? Whoo is it? It’s you, isn’t it? Yes it is! Yes it is!”

164 Barbarella a.k.a. The Mad Cat Lady 09.21.09 at 1:39 pm

I sure *hope* it´s a pisstake, because if that woman is serious then she *is* whacko. ;)

165 Christy 09.21.09 at 5:28 pm

Great cat! It’s face at 2:40 is priceless. Translation: What the HELL is she doing back there?

166 Ermine 09.25.09 at 5:02 pm

Oh my god, the fact that people are ’nuffing over this video is almost as funny as the video itself. I am crying from laughing. A++

167 KatyKat 10.07.09 at 8:29 pm

Ok, did anyone else notice his “OMG please kill me!” face at the “chinny chin chin” part? Just wondering….

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