You’ll Never Nurse in This Town Again

(OK, when I call “Action,” you just turn and read what’s on the card. All right?)

Sure, no problem. Let’s do this.

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(Fine. And … action!)

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Friends, has your mom been tasting a little rancid lately?

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(Wait, that’s not what it says on the…)

I mean not just a bit sour, but that full-on chalky mix of week-old milk, with a hint of tobacco and sardines that just makes you want to toss your cookies, am I right?

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(Uh, if we could just stick to the script here…)

That’s why our mom drinks Schblatz Beer!

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(That’s not even the sponsor! What the hell are you…)

Only Schblatz is double-brewed to be double-smooth, with the taste kitties love…

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(Somebody call Security!)

So treat your mom to a cool, refreshing Schblatz! She’ll love it–and so will you!

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(… and then call Kelly H. in the Casting Office and tell her she’s fired!)

Comments

  1. OMG, cute little furry kitty-yetis!!

  2. brilliant comments!

  3. Oh, my a blizzard of fur, a gaggle of toes, a aaaaaccchhhhlkkkkkkkkkk,myeyes are tearing, my ears are tearing-oh, I’m just gonna sit back and watch this again.

  4. White ani-pals do it for me every time.

  5. P.S. Check out the tiiiiiiiny toof in photo #4.

  6. iluvkittens says:

    OMG the cuteness! It buuurrrrnnnsss.

  7. Oh my! Those white kitty’s are adorable! Photo #4 is my fave! :-)

  8. Does mommy have different colored eyes? What a beautiful family!

  9. Loooooooooooooooove the 4th photo. Well, I love all of them but the 4th one especially!

  10. The tongue in that shot, oh wait, in THIS Shot. What, check it out in that shot! The hint of tongue in the third one is my favorite.

    All that pink and white can be a cliche but it works with that undertone of blue.

  11. Must -snorgle- the- marshmallow belleh- before (gasp) passing- ou……KERTHUD!

  12. omg, squeeeee – my heads gone all splodey from the qte
    *faints*

  13. There are no words… HEhehehehehehe OMG I may have to view this one like 50 or 60 times today.

  14. Jess&Friends says:

    Those cats need root beer!!!

  15. Last Picture Hurray for Schblatz beer. heheheheh

  16. I too did notice that mama has one yellow eye and one blue eye. Luvs!

  17. Bwahahaha, the little stinker :P soooo cute, love it

  18. Wot a naughty naughty lil brat! Drink up the meelks or else!! Dontcha know there are kittens who don’t have ANY meelks to dreenk?!

  19. skippymom says:

    All the whiteness, it is overwhelming, it is blinding!
    So, if mom is white and babies are all white, does that mean dad had to be white? How does this work, those of you who know about such things?

  20. alwayscataddict says:

    #6 is my fav. I’m done for the day now.

  21. Leslie (NTA) says:

    Is this someone’s drawing of a snowman (or perhaps snowkittens)
    in a snowstorm????

  22. I’ll have what she’s having!

  23. I nominate NTMTOM for the Nobel Prize in Literature!

  24. Genius, NTMTOM. Now give me those kittehs!

  25. Mary (the first) says:

    How in the world is this not labeled “Matchingks” ??? Not only do they all match each other, the bebeh’s eyes match the rug!

    ["Matchingks" it is! -- Mike]

  26. I like the Gene Simmons kitten in photo #4.

  27. L
    O
    L

    This is so wrong. 11 stars!

  28. AhHAHAHAHAHA! NOMTOM, you are a Frakkin Genius. This is seriously hilarious. I love the 3rd photo with the caption. All of the pics are precious, and that kitten certainly has TONS of personality. Adorable. I’ll be laughing all afternoon…

  29. these kittens need some serious snorgling! and i’m just the person to do it.

  30. “Guinness is Good For You”

  31. Andi from NC says:

    Classic comments NTMTOM!!

    I vote pic #3 for best composition and pic #6 for highest cute quotient (the belly is irresistable!)

  32. This is soo what I needed today!!! Nothing like a massive amount of white and pink cuteness to cheer up an otherwise blah birthday.

  33. I had a schblatz last night.. that’s pretty much the face I made too ;)

    [Y'know, I'd put good money on Trader Joe's own house-brand hefeweizen being simply re-labeled Schblatz :P - Ed.]

  34. victoreia says:

    WANT!! (thud)

  35. skippymom, I’m going to take an educated guess that white fur is a recessive trait in cats, in which case mom and kittens are both homozygous for white fur. Dad could also be homozygous for white fur, which would make him all white, or heterozygous, which would make him white and some other color. However, since all 3 kittens came out all white, it is an even greater statistical chance that Dad is all white. However, this is all assuming pure and simple Mendelian genetics, which often isn’t the case in real life.

  36. @Taj, feline color genetics are head-exploding.

  37. @taj, but what about the David Bowie eyeballs on the mama kitty?

  38. “That’s Schblatz – not to be confused with Schlemiel or Schlamazel.”

  39. Flavia A. says:

    OMG… my head just exploded O_O

  40. You know, along with the CO Dream Office, we now should have the CO Merchandise– and along with the calendar, you should be able to buy Schblatz Beer, and romance novels staring Lady Zenobia and her stableboy. :P

  41. Or her chauffeur! Or her schnauzer!

  42. Nomtom, you do this on purpose, don’t you? Every time I read something by you, I’m like “Oh, that must be the witiest remark ever, this can’t be topped.” And then you go off and top it.
    *Doffs hat to Nomtom”

  43. metsakins says:

    Kitten belleh! Kitten belleh! Kitten belleh!

    That is all.

    Thank you.

  44. skippymom says:

    Taj, thank you for the information. Next question: Is it true that white cats with two different color eyes are deaf? I knew one who was, and believe I’ve heard that this is usually the case. The one I knew was also enormous and polydactyl.

    [No no... close though. It's all-white cats with blue eyes which have the genetic predisposition for deafness. - Ed.]

  45. Odd-eyed white kitties aren’t deaf, but blue-eyed white kitties are.

  46. skippymom says:

    Hmm…OK. So the all-white, different-color-eyes kitty I knew was deaf coincidentally, I guess. Hmm. Cats are weird.

  47. Kristabelle says:

    Hilarious!

    NOMTOM posts are always breeelliant!

  48. OH. MY. GOSH.

    These are the best photos to be posted the internets ever! EVER!!!

    Pictures like these are the reason Al Gore invented the internet.

  49. Weirdest. Commentary. Evah.

  50. Metsakins and more kitteh belleh..

    My future political Platform Kitteh Belleh’s for all.

  51. kibblenibble says:

    How does Kelly H., hooman of these kittehs, ever get anything done? I hope that her friends are checking on her to make sure she’s okay, because I’ve sure melted into a puddle of goo just looking at the pictures. Prolly the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely is laughing at NOMTOM. As always! :-)

  52. OMG – this is the ultimate in marshmellow fluff kitteh wonderfulness!Look out Peeps! – this litter’s ready to kick your ‘tocs!

    I can see them now – row upon row in the candy store and grocery – in pink glittery boxes with little kitty angels printed on them – marshmellowkittehfluffs! More irressitable than potatoe chips or puppehs. Brand extension – marshmellowymousemites – or those ultra-cute little white fruit bats – marshmellowysnorki-bits!

    MUST END THIS DELERIUM!

  53. I want one!!!!!

  54. Has Marilyn Monroe been reincarnated as a little white kitty girl? I swear the kitteh in the last pix is just so brazen and joyful in flashing the tum tummy tum!

  55. There’s always one Hamm in the group! Cutest when he look naughty.

    Now I want a widdle white kiddie.

  56. I’m more useless than usual for a Monday, because I keep staring at these sweet li’l marshmallow babies. Too cute!

  57. BabyOpossum says:

    I want to lie down and make snow angels in all that white fluff.

  58. wannadance says:

    mike, there is nothing left to do but fling you down and marry you!!!

    helpless with laughter. you’d have to do the flinging….

    love,
    dancer

  59. Teja-
    Happy birthday!

    Nikki-
    I read somewhere that David Bowie’s eyes only *look* like they’re different colors because he had an injury to one of his eyes when he was a kid and it left the pupil permanently dilated, so one looks light and the other dark. But, of course, some people do have two different colored eyes. :)

    ANYwho: Marshmallow kitties – I luff them!!!

  60. This is the ultimate for me since cats are my fave animal and white hair on a cat is my fave color/non color on a cat. And per usual NOMTOM your writing is hilarious! I would never ever ever get one single thing done if I had these babies around my house.

  61. Von Zeppelin says:

    Schblatz–The Beer that Made Hoboken Famous.

    [No no, you're thinking of Schplatz. Entirely and in all ways an inferior lager. Also known as the "easy come easy go" brew: Gulp glug belch, hork urrp Schplatz™. - Ed.]

  62. skippymom says:

    I was just reviewing these pictures and made a funny discovery. If you look at picture #6 and kind of let your eyes relax, it can look as though the kitten has a big pink snout. Try it.

  63. “has your mom….”

    Oh noes! This is so wrong in so many ways NTMTOM, oh so wrong, but funny as all heck!

    ROFL!!1!

  64. Sorry that would be NONTOM…my bad. And yes that pic does look like the kitty has a bit of a pink pig snout.

    [Uh, you actually had it right the first time, but... No Other Name Tags On Mike? - Ed.]

  65. Rasta Kitty says:

    Perfect comments! This is great!

  66. Krittercrazed says:

    He’s obvy the sillyheart of the family. His sibs are all: “slurp, slurp” and he’s all: “Look at meeeee, I am so cute and fluffulent!”

  67. I loves me some marshmallow fluff kitties! This gives me an idea…maybe I can put my cats in ads! They’ll earn me a fortune and I’ll never have to work again! Of course, I will need the cooperation of my cats. Oh wait, having the words “cooperation” and “cats” in the same sentence is a contradiction in terms. *Sigh* I’d better get back to work.

  68. BeckyMonster says:

    Burried under an avalanche of cute
    White babies
    Pink tongues
    And blue eyes to boot!

    [Link added because no reason. hehehe - Ed.]

  69. victoreia says:

    @Amy: drink more coffee; you obviously aren’t awake enough yet…..

    (snatching marshkittens)

  70. skippymom says:

    “cooperation” + “cats” = contradiction in terms. So true, Amy.
    Although I must say my three boys are pretty good, and sometimes even respond appropriately to commands. Sometimes.
    I’ve often wished that Francesco would get a career as a supermodel and support me, but he insists he’s much too sleepy to go to work. Yeah, pal, like I’m not?

  71. crista galli says:

    Itty Bitty Kitty Pitties!

  72. They has drunk so moshe meelks they has turned meelky white!

  73. Aaaand two hours later I come back (like I did for kitteh giving the evil glare from behind the tree) to look over the pic’s and lines and laugh. my. butt. off.

  74. AuntieMame says:

    Heh heh, this post is an awesome scroll-down. I have my browser window not on fullscreen (so that it’s not so obvious to passers-by that I’m playing and not working), so all I saw when I got to CO was the post title. I just KNEW it was a NTMTOM post, simply from the title. Then I slowly scrolled down through all the white fluffulence, as my reactions ran the gamut from awe at the cleanness and whiteness, to melting at the kittehs’ cuteness, to helpless giggling at the hilarious captions and hover texts.

    Then I had to compose myself when one of the project managers came into my office and wanted something. Thanks, Mike. When we all get fired, are you going to support us? ;)

    Oh, and I also thought the kitteh tongue in photo #6 was a piggeh snoot.

  75. skippymom says:

    Hey, everybody, we’re all moving in with Mike and he’s going to support us! It’ll be nonstop hilarity 24/7, and all the pudding and pahsickies we can eat! And lots of kittens, and puppies, and Slow Lorises, and The Prickly Kid will be there, and we’ll throw meerkats on the fire, and oh man it’s gonna be so great!!! YAY!!!!!!

  76. White fur is the absence of any pigmentation. A solid white coat may be caused by any of three genetic mechanisms:
    * Albino white. This is recessive. Albino whites can have pale blue eyes (ca/ca), or unpigmented (pink) eyes (c/c).
    * Complete white spotting. The white spotting factor (S) is an incomplete dominant, which is affected by polygenetic modifiers and usually results in a cat that is only partially white. However, it can be so complete that it results in a completely white coat.
    * Dominant white. This mutation overrides all other genes for pigmentation, and produces a white coat and blue eyes. As its name implies, this is the effect of a dominant gene (W).
    http://fanciers.com/other-faqs/color-genetics.html

  77. marion banks-wilkinson says:

    Odd eyed whites are a breed of pedigree cats in UK .Coat is like raw silk rough and soft not shiny. My sister had one in 1970′s she called her Christmas, she was not deaf.
    Odd eyed british whites have one blue and one oramge eye.

  78. catloveschanel says:

    What – Ever!

  79. @ Everyone who is wondering about the eyes:

    My cat looks exactly the same, she has the two different colored eyes and all white fur, although her yellow eye has faded to a green. Its indicative of a Classic Turkish Van cat (not the Turkish Van breed). Take a look on wikipedia, sometimes they’re known as Turkish Vankedesi.

  80. Actually odd-eyed cats are usually deaf..and sometimes blind. I have a male 1 year old named Manson that looks just like the mama cat. He’s half deaf as well as half blind.

  81. BeckyMonster says:

    Devs
    Sounds like you have yourself a pretty half-assed cat!

  82. Wow, what a great learning curve we’re all on! Thanks everybody!

  83. i_wuvs_puttins says:

    White bellehs and peenk toe beans! Ack…ded.

  84. These are gems. Awwww….

  85. Mary (the first) says:

    LOL @Skippymom .. I was ok until we threw a meerkat onto the fire, then the giggling began.

  86. …a passion as hot as a meerkat swept over him………..

  87. Friends, has your mom been tasting a little rancid lately?

    heh. Paging Dr. Freud…

    at leest teh kittehs are cyoot doe

  88. Leslie (NTA) says:

    Concerned Question:
    After losing her job in the Casting Office today, how will Kelly H. manage to buy Kitty Kibble for Mama Kitty & thus ensure the milky (or beer-y) nutrition of Los Gatos Petitos???? Will Unemployment kick in?

  89. Dreamspinner Cheryl says:

    My Ziggy Stardust started life as all long-haired white, with the exception of one light gray streak on his head, which has since faded away. He is odd-eyed. His hearing is fine, but I strongly suspect that he is blind in his blue eye, while the green eye seems perfectly o.k.
    He’s a cuddly sweetie, who’d rather walk away than fight when challenged by any of our other six kitties. Pure pacifist. Mankind could learn a thing or two from him.

  90. this cool kitty is seriously sloshed

  91. What pristine white fulffitude! I must snorf it!

  92. Mike, I am in love with you, anyone that finds all this cuteness is a lover and
    smart with the comments. Hats off boy, you have another fan!!! NTMTOM fan.

  93. OMG! The kittie looks just like my cat Nikita when she was a baby, except she’s got one blue and one yellow eye and this baby seems to have both eyes the same color. Adorable! Awwww…

    Also, that bebeh belly needs to be snuggled, sniffed, kissed and rubbed NOW!

  94. The second-to-last pic is snorglicious.

  95. Just a note on the comments I read. First I just figured my cat might be an “Odd eyes British white”, at least she fits the description. (I had no idea…)
    Second, as for the blindness/deafness, it might be genetic, but clearly doesn’t affect all cats, my Nikita is 12 years old and she hears/sees just fine. Then again, she’s not a pure breed, as far as I know, so that can be the reason.
    I always thought she might be Albina since she doesn’t have a single non-white hair on her entire body.

  96. AuntieMame says:

    @Leslie (NTA), Kelly H. can just move in with us at Not Mike’s house. He’s going to support us all now!

  97. Schblatz beer? Hmmm…I am not impressed. Now if it had been Iron City Beer……..

    Must.
    Have.
    Those.
    Kittehs.
    NOW.

  98. OH MY… that tummy is simply irresistible! I wish I could touch it and have kitteh nibble my hand wif it’s tiny teefs. If these babes were mine I’d name them Marsha, Mallow and ‘Nilla! :o)

  99. Just to add on to the eye color/deafness topic… I had an all white cat with green eyes and she was totally deaf. It’s more common in ones with blue eyes but maybe all solid white cats are more likely to be deaf? I have also read that in odd eyed white cats they will sometimes be deaf on the side that has the blue eye.

  100. So many white kitties, surely there’s a spare for me. The faces it makes are priceless.

  101. so freaking cute

  102. I have odd eyes, and the white coats think I’m def.

  103. chlorisaann says:

    I just wanna rub a tummy!!!! All stuck out there so cute!!!!

  104. Leslie (NTA) says:

    Thanks for the update, AuntieMame. Relieved to hear, that the Cyoot hasn’t endangered anyone’s job. NTMTOM, have you kitty-proofed your house yet?

    I call Dibs on the Hello Kitty Bedroom !!

  105. The comments are so perfectly “Hollywood” – and the little white kitten, I want to scratch the belly !

  106. Oh, white kittehs. I had to put my Casper (white) kitteh down after a wonderful 18 years with him. Wonderful script to go with the photos.

  107. aww they’re so cute and I’m so sorry Daphne.

    Renate

  108. *dies from cute*
    *scrolls back up*
    *dies again*

  109. Oh my god, that’s a work of art NTMTOM.

  110. thatonegirlannie says:

    mismatched eyes… love it!

  111. Love the sly flash of toebeans in the first pic.
    That kitten is dangerously cute. *bellyhuff*

  112. AWW :D Me want to SNORGLE SNORGLE SNORGLE kitties :D

  113. Mine are just selectively deaf. Or maybe they just ignore me.

    PS – I’m sorry Daphne. I’m glad that you had 18 wonderful years with your special kitty.

  114. Hilarious! Well done once again, NTMTOM.

  115. berthaservant says:

    Brilliant, Mike. Just brilliant!

  116. chillinkzp says:

    ditto berthaservant! i think NTMTOM, aka NOMTOM should be an entry in the glossary.

    [It's on the list. Er... HE'S on the list, rather - Ed.]

  117. Cattapotumus says:

    White coats are associate with neural and other types of physiological defects in mammals, horses and dogs in particualr.
    Here’s how Steven Budiansky explains it in his book, “The Character of Cats:”
    A pure white coat in cats also has the odd characteristic that is common to many other mammals. The cells that produce colored skin and hair pigments derive in fetal development from the cells in the neural crest, an embryonic structure that also generates the brain and spinal cord. As a result, you usually can’t lose your color without losing your brain as well, or at least parts thereof. Cats that carry the W gene, preventing the development of color pigment cells, also often suffer from neural defects such as deafness or blindness.

  118. debbiedavidson09 says:

    This is way cute

  119. Once again, NOM-TOM pwns with his commentary.

  120. It reminds me of my cat I had growing up!!!

  121. Michael Claymore says:

    Aww, they’re like little mounds of snow with little pink noses!

  122. Le sigh. I just visited my family this weekend, and my niece proudly showed me her cat “Sugars” and her five kits. Two are pure white like their momma, two are white with gray spots on their heads, and number five is mysteriously tabby with an orange spot. Sugars claims not to know how this happened. I was going to send in the photos I took, but I see someone beat me to the White Kitten Overload punch.

  123. I just adopted an all white kitten!! She looks just like these cuties and is adorable. She is deaf too but that makes me love her sooo much more! Good luck with your kittens! Just their pics made me happy, I am sure they will be great additions to any family.

  124. emmberrann says:

    *gentle thunk from heddesk*
    NTMTOM–thanks for tewtally overloading my day ith the qte.
    Patito Gigante, Hawhaw! FTW!!!!

  125. Just TOO darn cute! :)

  126. P.S. Mmmmmm, hefeweizen.

    Hefeweizenkatzen?

  127. Rainbowbaby says:

    That 3rd pic. OMGEESH. “wtf dood.”

  128. Cutz. But how are they so kleen?

  129. OMG #6 is the cutess of all it burnnnns my eye from it i could look at it all day long!!!!!!

  130. nom nom nom tom.

  131. Those are some of the cutest little white kittens I’ve ever seen. Never thought it was possible to have a whole family of white kitties. Just darling, mom included.

  132. Thank you for making me cry from laughing so hard! You have a great sense of humor! Excellent comments!!:-)

  133. grandmaszoo says:

    this is one of the best. thank-you so very much for bringing me so much joy.

  134. OMG! Most precious kitty picture yet! Makes me smile bigger than my face wants to stretch.

  135. This IS a real cute page…. especially where the lil kitty is on his back.

  136. In that second shot, the kitten looks like “Britney” from My Cat Hates You:

    http://www.mycathatesyou.com/

    Not meaning to plug another website, it’s just that the resemblance is remarkable!

    [In this case, I'll allow it. Meets my standard of relevance. ;) - Ed.]

  137. Whoops. THIRD picture.

  138. SwissSushi says:

    OMG, the tiny translucent tongue! The silky soft shiny paw! The sweet snorglicious belly!!! I’m overloading!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

  139. Kelly Hobbs says:

    YAY! You posted my kitty pics! I feel famous now.

    These kitties were born in an attorney’s office in Stanton, Kentucky. The mother was found in a parking lot in very poor health, so the staff took her in. They had not idea that she was pregnant. Then one day…POOF…Six new kitties!!!

    We call them the Office Kittens. They are as cute as they can be.

  140. that is the CUTEST!!!!!! LOL

  141. AWW :D I am so glad to hear that the office staff were able to give mommy cat and her six babies a home :D GIGGLE :lol: Has the attorney whose office those kittens were born in plan to add them to the staff to help out catch bad vets :lol: Hey :D It is an idea :D

  142. I know these kittehs personally. They are wonderful and have been successfully adopted. Momma kitteh doesn’t have two different colored eyes. She’s just blind in one of them.

  143. omg!!! These kits and Mom are such little hams…
    I lurve them all. Pic #6 is my fave.
    White beauties, happy dispositons, lovely faces,
    adorable bellies, little show-offs too. !
    I’m gonna laugh for days now.
    Have to save and view this daily about 50 times each day.
    Thanks for sharing such joy and happiness with us.

  144. AWW :D I am so glad to hear that the kittens have gone to forever homes, C :D Did Momma cat get adopted too :D

  145. I LOVE IT : )

  146. animalluvr says:

    CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  147. kittyfluff says:

    NTMTOM- I keep coming back to this post and re-reading the captions. Kitteh pics = darling, snorgleable. Kitteh pics + captions & hovertext = mass hysteria!!!!! sooooo witty! loves it!

  148. animalluvr says:

    omg i luv the 6th pic the best sooooooooooooooooo cute with the widduw tongue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cute kitties!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  149. animalluvr says:

    omg.
    must.
    have.
    kittehs.
    now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    i just wanna snorgle that kitty sooooooooooo bad, its totally killing me
    looooooooooooove the captions, sooo funny
    **snorgle snorgle**
    LOVE THE KITTYS!!!!!!!!!!!
    **snorgle snorgle**

  150. OMG. I have to look at this EVERY day.

  151. This is the best post over on CO!

  152. awww! i have a cat like that but, the bad news is he’s a boy

  153. Sunflare2k5 says:

    Only a matter of time before the third pic is captioned “Do Not Want”, yes?

    [Well, we won't be doing that, anyway. - Ed.]