AN IRISH FARM: You have 2 alpacas. You use the fleece to make kilts so they cannot hear your zipper…

(FYI, I’m Irish, so I’m allowed to say this…)

[Er, OK... so, then, what do they do on Scottish farms? - Ed.]

THE “TWO-ALPACA EXPLANATION” OF WHAT MAKES…

A CHRISTIAN: You have two alpacas. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A COMMUNIST: You have two alpacas. The government seizes both and provides you with fleece.

A FASCIST: You have two alpacas. The government seizes both and sells you the fleece. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two alpacas. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two alpacas. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your alpacas, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy an alpaca and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two alpacas. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one alpaca, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two alpacas. You sell one, buy a stud, and build a herd of alpacas.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two alpacas. The government takes them both, shoots one, shears the other, pays you for the fleece, then composts the fleece.

AN AMERICAN FARM: You have two alpacas. You sell one, and force the other to produce the fleece of four alpacas. You are surprised when the alpaca drops dead.

A FRENCH FARM: You have two alpacas. You go on strike because you
Want three alpacas.

A JAPANESE FARM: You have two alpacas. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary alpaca and produce twenty times the fleece.

A GERMAN FARM: You have two alpacas. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and shear themselves.

AN ITALIAN FARM: You have two alpacas but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

AN INDIAN FARM: You have two alpacas. You worship them.

A RUSSIAN FARM: You have two alpacas. You count them and learn you have five alpacas. You count them again and learn you have 42 alpacas. You count them again and learn you have 12 alpacas. You stop counting alpacas and open another bottle of vodka.