I Got A Million Of ‘Em!

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We have a drink named after you."  Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.  The bartender asks him, "olive or twist?"

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Get out, this is a singles bar!"

C’mon, let’s hear your best one-liners in the Comments…

Comments

  1. Two blondes walked into a bar…the third ducked.

  2. And for you music nerds out there:
    C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve minors here”

  3. Gads, I can almost smell the doggie breath.

  4. What do you call a cross-dressing nun? A transistor.

  5. (the original) Mel says:

    That dog is extremely stressed out.

  6. Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies.

  7. A mushroom walks into the bar and the bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve mushrooms here.” and the mushroom says, “aw, c’mon! I’m a fungi!”

  8. biscuithead says:

    Stressed out?
    Or excited?
    I just want to give him/her a hug.

  9. Penis.

  10. scooterpants says:

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don’t have eyes

  11. Northern Tigress says:

    What happened when the Pink Panther stepped on an anthill? “Dead ant, dead ant. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant. Dead ant, dead ant.”

  12. Bacon and eggs walked into a bar. The bartender yelled, “Get out! We don’t serve breakfast here!”

  13. Jennie Mello says:

    Knock knock.
    who’s there?
    Owls.
    Owls who?
    Yes, they do.

  14. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walked into a bar. “What is this?” said the bartender, “some kind of joke?”

  15. 260Oakley says:

    How are blondes and cowpies alike? The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

  16. Nice suit you’re wearing. When did the clown die?

  17. This one works better when said aloud, but I can try it typed out too. Also a bar joke!

    A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he wants and the bear says “I’ll have a gin and… uh……… a gin…. and tonic. A gin and tonic, please.” The bartender says “sure, but why the long pause?” and the bear says “because I’m a bear.”

    Get it? Pause? Paws?

  18. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

  19. Beth (in NC) says:

    Look at that TONGUE!! (I mean in the movie… that’s not the joke).

    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender asked about it, and the pirate replied, “Arrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

  20. Elizabeth says:

    A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks “why the long face?”

  21. A blackbird walks in a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve mynahs.”

  22. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

    “Make me one with everything”

  23. Knock-Knock
    Who’s there?
    Cows go.
    Cows go who?
    Cows don’t go who Owls do!

  24. A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and asks the bartender “Can I have a beer?” The bartender looks at him and says “Okay, but don’t start anything.”

  25. A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “Why the long face?”

  26. A guy walks into a bar, he says, “OW! Alright who left this bar here?”

  27. A camel walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “That’ll be six bucks. Say, we don’t get many camels here.” The camel says “I bet not, at these prices.”

  28. Henny Youngman walks into a bar and says “Take my wife, please!”

  29. A snail was mugged by a couple of turtles. When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know, it all happened so fast”

  30. An atom walks into a bar and says “Hey! Your waitress just stole one of my electrons!” The bartender said “Are you sure?” The atom said “I’m positive!”

  31. I asked my wife “What do you want to do for dinner?” She said “Take me some place I’ve never been!” So I took her to the kitchen.

  32. nrosetulip says:

    Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
    It was intense.

  33. How do you catch a polar bear?

    First you cut a hole in the ice, then you put some peas around the hole.

    When the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

    Much funnier when told, not typed.

  34. A dog limps into a bar and the bartender asks him what’s wrong. The dog says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

  35. these comment jokes made me scream my safeword…

  36. What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?

    Warren.

  37. Someone knows they’re near the park!

    I am weird out that the dog has the same markings and color as my parents dog.

  38. What did the zero say to the eight?

    “Hey, nice belt!”

  39. I went to a seafood disco last week – and I pulled a mussel!

  40. RPG humour?

    A thief, a wizard and a warrior walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a party?”

  41. Chelsea M says:

    A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies “Down the hall and to the left.”

    Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies “Down the hall and to the left.”

    Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies “Down the hall and to the left.”

    Another pig walks into the bar and orders 4 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies “Down the hall and to the left.”

    Another pig walks into the bar and orders 5 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him “Well aren’t you going to ask where the bathroom is?” The pig replies ” No, I am the fifth little piggy and I got to go wee wee wee all the way home.”

  42. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. (say it aloud)

  43. 2 cannibals are dining on a clown. One asks the other: You taste something funny?

    What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer?
    Frosted Flakes

  44. Aesthetica says:

    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

  45. What do you call a potato and a yam floating down the river?
    Tubers!

    On a different note, why are dogs so excited to get in the car and then so stressed out once you start driving?
    (It’s a question, not a joke.)

  46. Why’d the cookie go to the doctor?
    Because he was feeling crummy!

  47. A string walks into a bar. The bar eyes the string and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” The string walks out, twists and turns, and messes up his hair. When he goes back into the bar, the bartender says, “Say, aren’t you that same string who just came in here?” The string replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

  48. What’s Irish and lives outside?

    Paddy O’Furniture

  49. What should you do when a musician comes to your door?

    Pay him and take your pizza.

  50. Maybe I should edit that last one I made to read “Wall Street Banker” instead of Musician?

  51. A termite walks into a tavern and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

  52. Two strips of bacon in a frying pan, one goes, “Man its hot in here.” The other one goes, “AHHH! Talking bacon!”

  53. what’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

    beer nuts are $2.50, and deer nuts are under a buck.

  54. Whitney Waters says:

    Ham sandwich walks into a bar, sits down.
    Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

    Horse walks into a bar, sits down. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”
    OR (my more favorite-er version)
    Celine Dion walks into a bar…

  55. What has two legs and sleeps with cats?

    Mrs. Katz. And sometimes Mrs. Neusbaum.

  56. “Doctor help me! One night I dream I’m a tee-pee, the next night I dream I’m a wig-wam. What’s my problem?”

    “That’s easy. You’re too tense.”

  57. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

  58. And a more politically correct version of the classic from “Raising Arizona:”

    A guy walks into a bar holding a pile of dog poo and says: “Look what I almost stepped in!”

  59. At New York’s Kennedy airport today an individual was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

  60. The jokes are all EXCELLENT, but the dog is not laughing, he’s in great distress, his tongue is an unhealthy colour.

  61. A woman goes into a bar and walks up to the bartender. She says “I’d like a double entendre.”

    So he gives her one.

    ——–

    Two fish are in a tank. One says, “You drive, I’ll man the cannon.”

  62. Try the Veal says:

    In college, what do they teach Art History majors to say?

    You want fries with that?

  63. Von Zeppelin says:

    Napoleon to Josephine: “Can you lend me a couple of francs? I’m a little short today.”

  64. Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    I eat mop
    I eat mop who?

    …say it out loud, it’ll make more sense.

  65. wocka-wocka says:

    What do call a successful musician?
    A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

  66. @Try the Veal.
    I thot that was what they taught English Majors!

  67. Celinda May says:

    A guy walks into his Psychologist’s office dressed in nothing but saran wrap, his Psychologist says, “I can clearly see your nuts.”

  68. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.

    (this joke is uppermost in my mind/makes me feel bad because i’m dating a musician…and about to stop.)

  69. What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

    Nacho cheese.

  70. This dyslexic guy walks into a bra…

  71. thats annoying!!!

  72. Trabb's Boy says:

    NTMTOM walks into a bar with a picture of a dachshund in the air and asks for a beer. The bartender says “I think you’ve already had a nuff.”

  73. Miss Misery says:

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To prove to the possum it could be done.

    A blonde and brunette are walking along the road. The brunette stops and says “Look, a dead bird.” The blonde looks up and asks “Where?”

    How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
    There’s white-out all over the screen.

  74. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
    I was an only child….eventually.

  75. Von Zeppelin says:

    Receptionist to psychiatrist: “Doctor, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible.” Psychiatrist: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

  76. vegas vickie says:

    how do you make a hormone? don’t pay her! oh my bad say it out loud

  77. Miss Misery says:

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To prove to the possum it could be done.

    A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street. The brunette stops and says, “Look, a dead bird.” The blonde looks up and asks, “Where?”

    How can you tell when a blonde has bee using your computer?
    There’s white-out all over the screen.

  78. How do you get 4 hippo’s in a volkswagon?

    2 in the front and 2 in the back.

    How do you get an elephant in a volkswagon?

    Ask one of the hippo’s to get out.

  79. so this Irishman walks out of a bar…

  80. A neutron walks into the bar and orders a beer. He asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

  81. A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a blond, a horse and a golfer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What it this, a joke?”

  82. Did I ever tell you the one about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He’d lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

  83. Two peanuts took a walk in the park after dark, and one of them was assaulted.

  84. UGH that would drive me crazy if our dogs acted that way in a car.
    One of our dogs like to go riding, but she also whines some and pants alot… but thankfully does it all semi-quietly.

  85. anastasia m. says:

    can a match box?
    no, but a tin can:)))

  86. A skeleton walks into a bar and says “A beer and a mop, please.”

  87. 2 guys walked into a bar… you think the second guy would have known better.

    2 guys walked into a bar… I guess they’ll both blind.

  88. Helps if you remember the ad campaign from many years ago: What’s a monster’s favourite food? Things. What’s a monster’s favourite drink? Coke, because things go better with coke. (yeah, not really a one-liner, but whatcha gonna do?)

  89. A duck walks into a bar and asks: “Got any bread?”

    Barman says: “No.”

    Duck says: “Got any bread?”

    Barman says: “No.”

    Duck says: “Got any bread?”

    Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”

    Duck says: “Got any bread?”

    Barman says: “No, we haven’t got any bread!”

    Duck says: “Got any bread?”

    Barman says: “No, are you deaf?! We haven’t got any bread, and if you
    ask me again and I’ll nail your ding-dang beak to the bar you
    irritating ding-dang duck!”

    Duck says: “Got any nails?”

    Barman says: “No”

    Duck says: “Got any bread?

  90. lurkingsmirk says:

    “I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.”

  91. Mary (the first) says:

    That dog appears to be in the driver’s seat!? That’s a bit scary, especially since he’s not watching where he’s going…. I can’t think of any jokes except those NSFW .. ;)

  92. Isawasquirrel says:

    Ooo – I have a bad one:

    Okay – A Narrator walks into a bar…
    OW!

  93. What do you call a graceful chicken?
    “Poultry in motion.”

    A Roman soldier walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.” The bartender says “You mean a martini?” The Roman soldier says “If I wanted more than one, I’d have asked for them.”

  94. Stolen from a friend:

    Did you see the ninja parade?

    Apparently nobody else did either….

  95. Isawasquirrel says:

    It’s okay – I have a better one to make up for the last one:

    A (insert hair color here) walks in on her husband having an affair, takes out a gun, and points it at her head.
    Her husband says, ‘Wait, don’t do it!’
    She yells back,
    ‘Shut up! YOU’RE next!’

  96. What do you call a smart blonde?

    A golden retriever :-D

  97. ilovecuteoverload says:

    What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
    Not everyone can pea soup…

  98. wee_squirrel says:

    So there are these two muffins in a microwave. One of them says, “Wow, it’s getting really hot in here!” and the other one says, “OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!”

    Also, what’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
    Ba-na-na-na (sung like the opening to his 5th)

  99. Two peanuts walk out of a bar. One was a salted.

  100. A guy goes to see his doctor, the doctor tells him, “Look, you have GOT to stop masturbating!” The guy says, “Why? Is it making me sick?” The doctor says, “No! It’s upsetting the other patients!”

  101. AuntieMame says:

    I visited a museum the other day that has all the arms and heads from the statues in all those other museums.

  102. AuntieMame says:

    Four years ago…no, it was yesterday. Today I…no, that wasn’t me. Sometimes I…no, I don’t.

  103. Say these ones aloud:

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?

    Bob.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    No eye deer.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

    Still no eye deer.

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a mailbox?

    Bill.

  104. AuntieMame says:

    It’s a small world, but I would want to have to paint it.

    You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

    I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that much time.

  105. AuntieMame says:

    WOULDN’T want to have to paint it…

  106. Anyone else concerned that that dog is dying cause he is locked up in a hot car??

  107. relativity says:

    Why did the chicken cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide.

  108. NotAnotherMilo says:

    what the different between people from new york and people from canada. In new york they say ” ‘ey! get off my car! In canada they say “get off my car, eh.” (again, better verbally that in print)

  109. A pirate walks into a bar with a towel on his head. He sits down and sighs. The bartender asks “Hey, whats wrong?”. The pirate says sadly, “I gotta bounty on me head!”

  110. Boofus McGoofus says:

    Rebecca,

    Seriously. My dog used Literally knock me down to get into the truck. (A couple times he couldn’t wait for me to lower the tailgate and forced me to un-stick 70 lbs of wiggly German Shepherd. Good times.) Once we were riding, he was the King of All Agitation, but I think that was more about his excitement to arrive than stress over riding.

    The Buddhist who asks the hotdog man to “Make me one with everything” gives the hotdog guy a ten dollar bill. The hotdog guy just says thanks. “Where’s my change?” says the Buddhist. “Change comes from within,” says the hotdog man.

  111. Pickled Cucuber says:

    Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink. Descartes says, “I think not,” and disappears.

  112. Michelle S. says:

    Confused man goes to see his shrink.

    “Doctor, I think I’m losing my mind. I’m a wigwam. I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam. I’m a teepee.”

    Doctor says, “You’ll be fine. you’re just two tents.”

  113. What do you call an armless and legless man . . .

    . . . flying over a fence? Homer

    . . . hanging on the wall? Art

    . . . lying on the gym floor? Matt

    . . . in a pile of leaves? Russell

    What do you call TWO armless and legless men hanging over a window? Curt and Rod

  114. For the big nerds in the room…

    Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
    To get to the other…oh…

  115. “Anyone else concerned that that dog is dying cause he is locked up in a hot car??”
    catluvr

    To catluvr:
    The dog is not locked up in a hot car. A human is holding the camera.

    The dog is just very overexcited about being in a car. I have one just like this.

  116. Knock knock
    Who’s there?
    You know
    You know who?
    YES! Avada Kedavra!

  117. poor dog, car ride panic attacks aren’t cute.

  118. Four cannibals were playing bridge and one threw up a perfectly good hand. (with apologies to the Weekly Reader)
    First rabbit to the second rabbit, “This carrot tastes pithy!”
    Second rabbit to the first rabbit,”It ought to, I just pithed on it.”

  119. This is the “oh crap you lied we’re not going bye bye for ice cream I’m at the freakin vet” look.

  120. Martha in Washington says:

    What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

    The 2001 National Hide-and-Seek Champion.

  121. A German walks into a bar and asks the bartender for two martinis. The bartender asks, “Dry?” The guy says, “No. Zwei.”

  122. An zees eez one of my favorite cute jokes :

    A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
    “Tiny” replies the man.
    “Why’s that?” asks the bartender.
    “Because he’s my newt!”

  123. And I used to think this one was funny when I was about 12 :

    A man walks into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

    Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here, but I’ll tell you what, you can try saying it’s your seeing-eye dog.” The second man thanks the first, walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

    The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They don’t have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

  124. How do you know a blonde has been sitting at your computer?

    There’s white out on the screen.

    How do you know a redhead’s been sitting at the same computer?

    There’s writing on the white out.

  125. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? NACHO CHEESE.

  126. berthaservant says:

    Teacher: Use the word ‘horticulture’ in a sentence.

    Little Dorothy Parker: You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.

  127. Why do mice have small balls?

    Not many of them can dance.

  128. Von Zeppelin says:

    What do Nazi fighter pilots eat for breakfast? Lufwaffles!

  129. How do you get a frog to cross the road?
    You tie it to a chicken!

  130. Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

  131. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

    Q: How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Potato

  132. John Kerry walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

    A toothless termite walks into a bar and says “Hey, where’s the bar tender?”

    What do you get when you cross a brown chicken and a brown cow? Brown-chicken-brown-cow… (as in, bow-chicka-wow-wow)

  133. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote “The Hokie Pokey” died peacefully at
    the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
    into the coffin.

    They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

  134. A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

    ‘What’s the matter?’ he asks.

    ‘I have a case of anal glaucoma,’ she says in a weak voice.

    ‘What the hell is anal glaucoma?’

    ‘I can’t see my ass coming into work today.’

  135. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Obama.
    Obama who?
    Obama self.
    Don’t wanna be
    Obama self,
    anymore.

  136. Theo tried valiantly to come up with yet another gag, well into the evening… but all the good ones had been posted Biden.

  137. (not to mention most of the awful ones, as well)

  138. If you start a man a fire, he’ll be warm for a night. If you set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. :)

  139. westward ho says:

    it’s a ROFLcopter!

  140. wannadance says:

    the trouble is, i can’t remember jokes. this is not a joke: i am in overload now.

    weep weep weep weep

    brain alarm going off…

    plotz.

  141. Q: Do you like Kipling?
    A: I don’t know, i’ve never kippled

  142. azaleablue says:

    A frog hops into a bank looking to borrow some money. The loan officer introduces herself as Patty Mack and asks what does he have for collateral, since frogs don’t usually have much credit. The frog pulls out a little mermaid figurine that belonged to his grandmother. Patty says “I don’t know…I’ll have to ask my manager.” When she takes the mermaid to the back office to show the manager, the manager says, “It’s a knick knack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan.”

  143. A man walks into a bar with a large chunk of asphalt held under his arm, walks up to the bar tender and says, “Give me a drink… and one for the road.”

  144. 1. Me thinks those two peanuts need to stay in tonight. Too much violence out there.

    2. Me thinks the horse with the long face is bar-hopping.

    3. OKAY PEOPLE, WE’RE NOT TO A MEELION YET. KEEP THOSE ONE-LINERS COMING IN!!!

  145. What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? A pokemon.

  146. Ouch, my brain hurts… too much thinking.

    p.s. not jokes, just comments.

  147. Want to hear a dirty joke?

    A little boy fell in the mud.

  148. AuntieMame says:

    I finally watched the video, and this dog is not in any distress. He’s just saying “Oh JOY, we’re in the CAR! I’m so EXCITED to be RIDING! I can’t WAIT to get there! Where are we going?”

  149. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

    …3…

    …the left ear, the right ear, and the wild front ear

    harharhar

  150. what do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
    a flat major

    what do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
    a flat minor

    why couldn’t mozart find his teacher?
    because mozart’s teacher was haydn! (that came from a laffy taffy wrapper)

  151. kibblenibble says:

    What do you call a lady with one shorter leg?

    Eileen!

  152. kibblenibble says:

    What has a coat all winter and pants in the summer?

    (For answer, watch the video.)

  153. Rene Descartes walks into a bar.

    “Would you like a drink?” asks the bartender.

    “I think not,” says Rene Descartes, and poof!–he disappears.

  154. hi mel. i don’t think the dog is distressed, if you look towards his back end, his tail is wagging pretty happily. and i’m sure that if the owner’s sitting in the car taking a video, the dog isn’t overheating to the point of distress.

  155. What do you call a fly that can’t fly?
    A walk.

  156. Did you here about the man who lost his whole left side?
    He’s all right now.

  157. Karen in Toronto says:

    A baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender says, “What’ll you have?” Baby seal says, “Anything but Canadian Club.”

  158. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?

    Art.

  159. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the floor?

    Matt.

  160. The video dog’s revenge:

    Why are dogs such poor dancers?
    They have two left feet.

    What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684?
    The wrong answer.

    What kind of modeling clay does a dog use?
    Fi-Do!

    Who gave the dog a black eye?
    Nobody gave it to him. He had to fight for it.

    What is a baseball dog?
    One that chases fowls.

    Which side of a dog has the most hair?
    The outside, of course.

  161. How can you tell if a chromosome is a girl chromosome or a boy chromosome?
    Pull off its genes.

    How do you make a hormone?
    Put sawdust in the vaseline.

  162. Two muffins baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “Man it’s hot in here!” The other muffin says, “Ahhh! A talking muffin!”

    What did one eye say to the other?
    Between you and me, something smells!

  163. For any philosophy geeks out there:

    Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender asks him “you want a beer?”

    Descartes replies “I think not” and disappears.

    And for you non philosophy geeks, Descartes is the philosopher who came up with “I think, therefore I am”

  164. Q. what did they give the cannibal who was late to dinner?

    A. the cold shoulder

    doctor says to the old guy after his exam:
    i’m afraid i have some really bad news: you have cancer…..and you also have alzheimers.

    old guy looks down, shakes his head sadly, and says:
    well…at least i don’t have cancer!

  165. A skeleton walks into a bar, and says “gimme a beer and a mop.”

  166. A Rabbit and a Bear are pooping in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit adn says, “excuse me, do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?” The rabbit replies, “why, no, i don’t.”

    So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

  167. What’d the guy say when he walked into a bar?
    Ouch!

    (That was the absolute worst one I could think of. It’s making ME groan.)

  168. During NFL season, a guy and a dog both wearing Oakland Raiders jerseys walk into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!” The man replies “Aw, but I always watch the game with my dog. Besides, he’s very well behaved and won’t cause any trouble.” The bartender pauses, then says “OK, I’ll let you both in. But if there’s any trouble, I’m throwing the both of you out of here!”
    A little while later, the Raiders march down the field and connect on a field goal. As soon as that happens, the dog jumps up on the bar, dances a fancy jig, then runs two-legged down the bar and high fives everyone sitting there!
    The bartender says “Holy cow! That dog is amazing! I’ve never seen anything like it, and that’s only for a field goal! What does he do if the Raiders score a touchdown?!?”
    The man says “Gee, I don’t know – I’ve only had him three years.”

  169. Two peanuts walked down an alley. One was a salted.

  170. A duck walks up to a pharmacist. The pharmacist says “Can I help you?” The duck replies, “Yeah, give me some Chapstick, and put it on my bill.”

  171. Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, and insomniac? He stayed up late at night wondering if there really is a dog.

  172. Sorry, supposed to have been, “Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He stayed up late at night wondering if there really is a dog.”

  173. What do you call the armless legless man in a pot of boiling water?
    Stu

    ….. in a hole?
    Phil

    ….. in the lake?
    Bob

    …. on a ballot?
    Chad (remember him?)

    …. in a nest?
    Boyd

    Say Goodnight, Gracie–
    Goodnight, Gracie!

  174. LINDA! that was the joke my dear Uncle PJ (RIP) used to tell me when I was a kid… it used to make him laugh and laugh! When I wrote my memories note, it was included in his funeral pamphlet and people were asking me about that joke, but I could never remember it properly.

    Thanks for that… I can hear him laughing in my head right now!

  175. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who’s in your sink and has a speech impediment?

    Dwayne

  176. Christine says:

    What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

    Dam!

    And a personal favorite…How do you get an elephant in a Safeway bag?

    Take the “S” out of Safe and “F” out of way.

    (Now you wait for the person to do it in their head or write it down or whatever and then they will eventually say “There is no F in way)

  177. Christine says:

    Oh, one more:

    Why did Hemmingway’s chicken cross the road?

    To Die, alone, in the rain.

  178. Q. What did the frog say?
    A. Time’s fun when you’re having flies.

  179. what’s green and has four wheels? grass… I lied about the wheels.

    how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? just two… the hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

    two muffins are sitting in a toaster oven. one looks at the other and says “man, it’s hot in here!” the second looks back and says “holy crap it’s a talking muffin!”

  180. John E, yours is the first one to actually make me laugh. (But then, I’m a Niners fan so anything that slams the Raiders is funny to me. Of course, the Niners suck too. Sigh..)

  181. “Dyslexics of the World! Untie!!!!”

  182. “Blonde walks into a bra”… boom boom! ;)

  183. Wht’s brown and sounds like a bell{{{DUNG}}}

  184. What’s brown and sounds like a bell{{{DUNG}}}

  185. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

  186. After the christening of his baby brother in church,
    Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

    His father asked him three times what was wrong.

    Finally, the boy replied,
    “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”

  187. That must be superannoying for the person who has to sit on the front seat. :D

  188. darkshines says:

    The psychiatrist told me I was a sadist, necrophiliac who indulged in beastility, but I think he’s flogging a dead horse…

  189. A chicken crossing a road is poltry in motion.

    Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

  190. “Take the “S” out of Safe and “F” out of way.”

    Shouldn’t that be “Take the ‘S’ out of Safe and ‘F’ out of THE way”?

  191. What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

    You can unscrew a light bulb!

  192. Jules…No, it’s:
    What did the three legged dog say when he walked into Dodge City? “Who shot my pa?”

  193. Me and You says:

    A frog, Mick Jagger Jr, hops into a bank wanting to take out a loan. The loan officer introduces herself as Patty Mack and asks what he has for collateral. aThe frog pulls out a small figuring and gives it to her. Patty says “I don’t know…I’ll have to ask my manager.” When she takes the figurine to the back office to show the manager, the manager says, “It’s a knick knack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

  194. Me and You says:

    A frog, Mick Jagger Jr, hops into a bank wanting to take out a loan. The loan officer introduces herself as Patty Mack and asks what he has for collateral. aThe frog pulls out a small figuring and gives it to her. Patty says “I don’t know…I’ll have to ask my manager.” When she takes the figurine to the back office to show the manager, the manager says, “It’s a knick knack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

  195. He who runs behind the car gets exhausted; he who runs in front of the car gets tired.

  196. What’s purple and lights?
    An Electric Grape
    Why did the elephant wear green sneakers?
    To hide in the grass.
    Why did the elephant wear pink sneakers?
    The green ones were in the wash.
    Why did the elephant lie on its back and wave its feet in the air?
    To trip the birds.
    What does a 500-lb. canary say?
    [In a very deep voice] HERE, KITTY-KITTY!
    Where does a 500-lb. gorilla sleep?
    Anywhere he wants.

    Anyone else have 8-year-old nephews? They got a meelyun of’em.

  197. mervtheflamingo says:

    A rope walks into a bar, and the bartender says “hey, we don’t serve ropes here!”

    The rope exits, and ties himself into a knot, and re-enters the bar. The bartender says, “aren’t you the rope I just threw out of here?”

    The rope replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

  198. Dude. That’s so fake. It’s made by a human.

  199. Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey Sarah, why the long face?”

  200. What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
    Stu

    What do you call a woman with one short leg?
    Eileen

    What do you call an Asian woman with one short leg?
    Irene

  201. 1. I thought I saw a UFO, but it was just Uranus.

  202. Christine says:

    Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

  203. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it’s really got to want to change.

  204. Did you hear about the skunk that went to church and sat in his own pew?

  205. A proton walks into a black hole. (That’s all!)

  206. BOY : May I hold your hand?
    GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

    GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
    BOY : You love me…

    GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
    BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

  207. Q: What do you do if you’re being attacked by a troupe of circus performers?

    A: Go for the juggler.

  208. momof2kitties says:

    Why do Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?

    Because they wear their buckles on their hats!

    Thanks, I’ll be here all week…

  209. Mackenzie says:

    A man walks into a bar and says “Ouch!”

  210. Danilelle says:

    What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
    “Do you smell carrots?”

  211. MandaBain says:

    You stole my only joke, Beth (in NC)! Now what am I gonna say?…
    Guess what?
    Chicken butt.
    Guess why?
    Chicken thigh.
    Guess how?
    Chicken…cow?
    I know it’s not a joke but I had to contribute…

  212. Groucho Marx says:

    Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend.

    Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

  213. That dog is doing exactly the opposite of laughing… he is almost crying.

  214. @Azaleablue, actually, the frog got the figure from his father, who is Keith Richards. And the manager said “It’s a knicknack, Patty Mack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

  215. AngiePangie says:

    A snail buys a car and paints an “S” on it. He drives through town and everyone says “look at that “s” car go.” (Escargo) LOL

  216. What do you call an ugly rabbit that sits on your forehead?

    Unsightly facial hare.

  217. PS
    Mole Asses…Get It? :)

    Early one morning the Mole family awoke and Daddy mole climbed to the top of the mole hole and sniffed the air.

    “I smell bacon frying.” he said.

    Momma mole crowded in beside him and sniffed the air, “I smell eggs cooking.” she said.

    Baby mole tried and tried to get to the top but there was no room left, so he said, “All I can smell is molasses!”

  218. Erk, editing fail.

  219. How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag?

    You take the S out of “safe” and the F out of “way”.

    (Think about it…..)

    (…there’s no F in “way”…say it real fast…)

  220. Jesus walks into a hotel, puts 2 stakes down on the counter and says, “Hey, can you put me up for the night?”.

  221. My Dh used to work at a restarant called Nacho Mama’s. The fun they had with that one when people called.

  222. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

  223. And not quite a one liner but a bad joke none the less:

    The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

    Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

    He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

    So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.

    Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

  224. Guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
    Bartender asks, “Hey, what happened to YOU?”
    Frog says, “I don’t know; it started out as a bump on my butt…”

  225. Two blondes walked into a building. You’d think one of them would have seen it.

  226. What size bra does a mermaid wear?

    A sea-cup.

  227. OK, since it seems to be OK to tell the “no arms” jokes, this is one I made up when they were all the rage to my adolescent self: “What do you call two guys with no arms laying on top of a window?” “Curt ‘n Rod!” Thank you, thank you very much (it’s the only joke I’ve ever created)).

  228. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender, “How much do I owe?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

  229. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks, “How much do I owe?” The bartender replied, “For you, no charge.”

  230. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work!!

  231. Knock, knock!
    Who’s there?
    Goliath!
    Goliath who?
    Goliath down you looka tired!!
    (as said by Ray on “Everbody loves Raymond”

  232. Wow- not funny. That dog is so stressed. Excitement is one thing but anxiety/stress is another.

  233. Knock, knock!
    Who’s there?
    Goliath!
    Goliath who?
    Goliath down you look tired!

  234. How do you catch a unique rabbit??
    You “neek” up on him!! :D

  235. cheesybird says:

    bryn and Nicole told my two favorite jokes, EVAH! Ok…

    How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen?
    Four. Two in the front and two in the back.

    How can you tell when there’s an elephant in your fridge?
    Footprints in the peanut butter.

    How can you tell when there are two elephants in your fridge?
    Giggling.

    How can you tell when there are three elephants in your fridge?
    The door won’t close.

    How can you tell when there are four elephants in your fridge?
    There are none in the Volkswagen.

  236. How do skunks communicate across long distances?

    They use smellular phones.

    What’s the best way to build a sand castle in a hurry?

    Use quicksand.

    How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just one. She stands there, and everything revolves around her.

    (Yes, I’m a soprano)

  237. Why does a seagull fly over the sea?

    Because if it flew over the bay, it’d be a bagel.

  238. Wow, that’s one hot dog!

    @Meg: A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.” The hot dog vendor does so, and says, “That’ll be $4.50.” The Buddhist gives him a five-dollar bill and says, “What about my change?” The vendor slaps him on the back, and he coughs up two quarters. Then the vendor says, “Change comes from within.”

  239. what do you call a cow with no legs?

    GROUND BEEF

  240. A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says.
    The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
    “How much will that be?” asks the neutron.
    “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge.”

  241. Oh, boy, musician jokes!

    How do you know there’s a soprano at your door? She can’t find the key, and she doesn’t know where to come in.

    What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

    What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.

    How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don’t have to be any good to get everyone’s attention.

    Why do bagpipers march while they play? They’re trying to get away from the noise?

  242. OK, Music geeks, here come the viola jokes!
    What’s the dif between a viola and a violin? A viola burns longer!

    Is a viola bigger than a violin?
    No, it’s the violinist’s heads that are bigger.

    Why is a viola like a murder investigation?
    Because everybody’s relieved when the case is closed.

    What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?

    A prostitute knows more than two positions.

  243. 2 men meet at a crosswalk. both are dragging their legs. one guy says “gunshot 13 years ago, the other guy says “dog poop 30 feet back”

    not my best joke. at all

  244. charliewabba says:

    WHACK!!! The bank loan officer’s name is Patricia WHACK.
    “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.)

    (sheesh.)

  245. The orchestra is in the middle of a rehearsal when the conductor sees the second oboist jump on the last chair violist and begin beating him brutally. The others separate the two and the conductor says to the oboist, “You! Tell me what’s going on here!” The oboist says, “He broke all my reeds!” The conductor turns to the violist and says, “What would make you do such a thing?” The violist says, “He turned one of my tuning pegs and wouldn’t tell me which one!”

    What’s the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing in unison.

    How many Julliard students does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten–six to say how they could do it better, three to burst into tears and run out of the room, and one to attempt suicide.

    The middle of another rehearsal. The conductor says, “Start at the 9th measure.” A violist shoots up his hand and says, “Maestro? We don’t have measure numbers.”

  246. What’s the difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser? Depth perception.

  247. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer? The taste.

  248. How is a pirate like a broken change machine?
    —They give no quarter.

    Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff– *ba-dum chh!*

  249. A blonde is driving down a country road and sees another blonde in the middle of a field rowing a boat. She stops the car, jumps out and screams “You know its blondes like you that give us a bad name. If I could swim, I’d swim out there and kick your a**.”

  250. Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum csssh!

    [Something's probably wrong with me, but this is my favorite one so far... - Ed.]

  251. Har har! How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

    One– She justs holds the bulb and lets the universe turn around her.

    What’s the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?

    You can negotiate with a terrorist.

  252. three cats says:

    Where do you find sex in Germany?
    Between funf and sieben.

  253. The concert master had a party at his house. Eventually everybody noticed that the violists weren’t there. They called the violists, but they weren’t home. Finally, the concertmaster opened the front door, and there were all the violists standing around on the lawn.

    “What are you guys doing?!!” the concertmaster demanded.

    The violists shrugged. “We didn’t know when to come in.”

  254. wannadance says:

    how many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb?

    only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change…

  255. wannadance says:

    what do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter?

    an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth or a jar of peanut butter that never forgets….

  256. wannadance says:

    how many virginians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    it takes four. one to change the lightbulb and three to talk about how great the old one was.

  257. wannadance says:

    that’s it. i only know three jokes and now they are all here.

  258. That dog is not laughing or having a good time.
    He is totally freaked out from the car ride.

  259. Lauraborealis says:

    Mommy Tomato, Daddy Tomato, and Baby Tomato are walking down the street, when Baby Tomato starts lagging behind. Daddy Tomato runs back, squishes him, and says, “Ketch up!”

  260. Dogs pant like that when they’re extremely overheated. Owner could have at least put the window down and/or blasted the AC before filming the dog in that stressed out state.

  261. My favorite “Carnak the Magnificent” (Johnny Carson) joke:

    The answer is “Sis-Boom-Bah”…

    And the question is…What’s the sound of an exploding sheep?

  262. What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color?

    Corduroy.

  263. What do you call a Chinese walker?

    Ped Xing.

  264. Get the pup a drink!!

  265. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

    ‘ell if I know!

    (must be spoken out loud ..well, even then it’s not all that funny ;-) )

  266. David Browning says:

    A ham sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “beat it buddy! we don’t serve food here!”

  267. A grizzly bear walks into a bar, scarfs down a “painted lady” at the bar, and sits on her stool. The bartender comes over and says “Get out of here! We don’t serve druggies like you!” The bear says, “But I’m no druggie.” Bartender says “Oh yeah, what about that barbituate?”

  268. Two Irish guys walk out of a bar . . .

    . . . yeah, like that would ever happen,

  269. How do you make a slow horse fast?
    Stop feeding him!

  270. some dogs just get really stressed out in the car. dont try to act like his owner is torturing him.

    [...or excited. - Ed.]

    and anyway: what’s brown and sticky?

    a stick.

  271. cheesybird says:

    *taps microphone*

    Is this thing working?

    But seriously, is this thing working? Because it says there are 267 comments, and I can see nowhere near 267 comments. (I just did a quick count and got 49.) And the joke I added last night hasn’t shown up yet. I’ve had it happen that it took a few minutes for a comment to show, but 12 hours? Hmmm… methinks we broke the interwebs. Too many jokes.

  272. cheesybird says:

    Ok, this is weird. As soon as I sent that comment it showed up, along with 18 other comments, but the 49 I first saw seemed to have disappeared.

    But now, while previewing this comment, I scrolled down and I can see ALL 267 comments under “previous comments”. But for some reason they’re not showing up via the normal comments page. Anyone else experiencing this weirdness? (Not that you’ll see this comment if you are.)

  273. WELL! CO has affected my family in a way I never thought possible. I think you’ve created a new family tradition at my house. Family Joke Night!
    I shared a few of my favorite “gems” from this post’s comments (the ones safe for tender ears of course). Everyone loved it so much we all started telling our favorite jokes/puns/riddles. Everyone went to bed with a smile on their face and laughter in their hearts. Thanks guys! Kudos and Standing O’s all around!

  274. I think your dog is part hyena.
    Rebecca: maybe they remember they might go to the vet? Mine would just chill, but we used to bring him with us when mom dropped us off at school, so no bad associations.

    No one liners, sorry, I’m not a funny person : )

  275. You forgot the rest of the hot dog vendor joke!

    The Buddhist hands the hot dog vendor a twenty, and waits for his change. The vendor doesn’t hand him any, so the Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” The hot dog vendor replies, “Change must come from within.”

  276. Why do Elephants wear tennies?

    Because nineies are too small and elevenies are too big.

  277. darkshines says:

    Whats the difference between a London banker and a pigeon?

    A pigeon is still capable of leaving a “deposit” on a BMW….

  278. Hear about the guy who had constipation, then diarrhea, then constipation again?

    Most irregular.

    Made that up myself, this morning. Don’t ask what I was doing.

  279. Skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and mop.

  280. A brunette and a blonde are driving down the street. The brunette, who is driving (thankfully), thinks her turn signal isn’t working, so she asks the blonde to go outside to check. After waiting a long time, she rolls down the window and says, “Well, is it working?” And the blonde says, “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no…”

  281. “IT’S ACTUALLY BACON!”

    “I’M GOIN TO DISNEYLAND!”

  282. Friends are like toasters.
    If you throw them down the stairs, they won’t make you toast anymore.

  283. How can people not notice that that poor dog is totally stressed out? Poor thing. . .it made me worry about what was causing him so much stress. Joking around is fine, as long as it’s not while ignoring when an animal is very stressed.

  284. One of my dogs makes noises kinda like that in the car. :P

    And now, the joke. The best part is, this is a true story.

    My boyfriend’s father is out in the garden planting flowers. My boyfriend steps out onto the patio to hear his dad say “oh no!”

    Boyfriend: What’s wrong?

    Boyfriend’s Dad: I’m supposed to be planting these in the sun!

    Boyfriend: Where were you planting them? In the shade?

    Boyfriend’s Dad: No, I’ve been planting them in the ground!

    He does this sort of thing all the time.

  285. NNice funny blog blog
    santosh pandey
    http://thechutkule.blogspot.com

  286. Two Peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

  287. Sleepy Student says:

    I know I’m late to the party, but…

    How do the Amish hunt?

    They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.

  288. Sleepy Student says:

    One more…

    What do elephants use as tampons?

    Sheep!

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