"Dees is da voist bagel I evah had! It’s too chewy, fa one thing. A goot bagel, it oughta have a crunch to it, you know vhat I’m telling you? And second, dere’s fur all over it! Since vhen is dere fur on a bagel?! Thirty-two years I been coming to this deli, I never got a bagel with fur on it! G’wan, take dis away, bring me a danish or something."
I’m so verklempt, Lisa S.
Ya got a prune one? Oy.
Foist
Maybe it’s a furry doughnut.
What a cutie pup!
Hah! A jewish Boston.
As if!
with some lox mebee? the fur I can forgive, but no lox?! There I draw the line!
Whadda you know from bagels, NTMTOM?
Mmmmmmm…..Puppy Bagels! Mees love bagels and puppys!
Da furry one’s ah like buttah. Like buttah I tell ya!
I wants to kiss the white spot on him forehead.
Yiddisher puppeh!
Mike, that might be the ONLY funny “first” ever
awesome!
See what I’m tellin ya? First you try to sell us cinnamon raisin bagels, then next thing you know we’re talkin’ sun-dried tomato bagels, blueberry bagels, cheese and pesto bagels and now FUR bagels! Feh! Get this outta here and bring me something stinky I can put a shmear on.
Actually a good bagel should be crunchy on the outside and chewy on the inside. And best served mit a schmear.
Love,
A New Yorker
Yeah, that waiter must be a schmuck! But didn’t you mean a goot bagel oughta have a KRONCHE to it?
I don’t like bagels anyway – too dense. I prefer English muffins (although the Irish in me hates to admit this
“cinnamon raisin bagels”
*snort*
Danish? Only if it’s Koshah.
Oy veyz mear, the poor puppeh! No lox or anythin’!
One can’t help reading one’s like this out loud! You keep me LOL’ing, ‘Not that Mike the other Mike.’
All I can say heah, is thanks God I used Fixodent this morning, and those dentshuhs didn’t come out! With this farcocktah bagel it’s a wondah I still haf teeth! What? You’re looking at me? Make yourself useful, and get me a prune danish!
Oy, such tsuris I’m gettink from this fekakte fur bagel. The Tsar should only have a bagel like this. Omen (spit!).
@Erebella: Of course, it should have a liddle kronsch, maybe just the crust? The insides is supposed to be chewy, so you can schlurp cawffee to help it down. If you can get New Yawk bagels, I mean the real ones, not the ones you get in the deli! Feh on those! And maybe you could, like, toast the bagel, and put a schmear cream cheese on it? (I can has creemcheez bagel?) And while you’re up, get me a Dr. Brown’s Diet Black Cherry? Please?
Om nom nom nom. Oy!
Tanya – just what I was thinking! It’s like having 20 Dr. Zoidbergs in my head!
Teeehee. Doggie talks like my best friend’s grandma. Cracks me up.
My grandson, the one they call Cody, this is a name? He says to me, “Bubbie, you like I should get maybe a CHOCOLATE bagel?” and I say to him “I’d rather eat one of those furry bagels,” and I’m thinking, “What do they teach these kids in shuul, did Moses and the Hebrewites have the chocolate bagels when they were being terrorized by that Pharoah? Oy gevalt. And then he starts in on this Barack Obama saying that this Sara Silverstein, have you seen here, with the potty mouth, told him to schlep down to Boca and jaw with me about this Obama, and I tell him like I do, “Codelah, I don’t make up my mind until the last minute. THE LAST MINUTE.” What is it with the early voting? Who votes early? Did King Solomon vote early? Maimonides? Anyway, what are you gonna do.
no, no, no, it’s no trouble, I’ll just eat the furry bagel in the dark. Alone. Don’t worry about me. the fuzz gets caught in my teeth, but no, no, no, don’t trouble yourself. I’m fine. Really.
Ah yes, the great schlep. My son only had to go to NJ and had it turns out that’s who they were voting for anyway. Anyway, they made him a pastrami sandwich on this very nice rye, you know they kind ya can’t get anymore, it has a bite to it, if ya know what I mean.
Hey Berthaservant, you can’t fool us….we’ve seen you commenting on the Sabbath.
I know it’s random, but whenever anyone does the Yiddish accent, I immediately go to Barbra Streisand on roller skates saying, “Whattya gonna do, shoot the schwans??”
Berthasbutler: How you should know from Boca and Bagels and Sara Silverman, and making up one’s mind at the last minute, THE LAST MINUTE? Was your gramma from Boca, mine momma, oleha hasholom, lived up the street in Coconut Creek, maybe they knew each other?
And what does the dogaleh have to say about all this, hm? Such a punim!
>>Thirty-two years I been coming to this deli, I never got a bagel with fur on it!< <
Should read: “Thirty-two years I’m coming to this deli, never ONCE do I get a bagel it has fur!”
all this hok a chainik and still I got no lox!
XD little Jackie Mason puppy
omg. the perfectly manicured puppeh paws are just too moishe.
-ded on floor-
I was just gonna ask, “is it just me or does that dog look like it has a french manicure?”
I found this to be pretty offensive. And this is the one site I usually go to so I can get away from the ignorance. Wow. Way to make cute puppy pictures highly anti-semitic.
A Danish? How about some nice rugelach?
@Me
A dog with an accent is automatically anti-whatever accent it speaks with? I didn’t see anything insulting in that post.
Non Jewish actors who use an accent are anti-semitic too, or is that acceptable? In a way, this IS a form of acting, just written instead of spoken.
Unless you were joking…
then, nevermind.
@Me-
Gratz on being the sole nuffer, and ridiculously over-sensitive to boot.
AMEN
@Me, relax, have a nice glass tea.
“Way to make cute puppy pictures highly anti-semitic.”
Nu. Puppy, shmuppy. Abie geshundt. As long as you’re healthy.
PS BTW, this puppy IS incredi-cute.
omg lol you guys, esp B-serve: bravo, pitch-perfect funny!
- a native newyorker
Top Ten Jewish Joke Punch Lines:
(in no particular order):
“Start worrying. Details to follow.
“He had a HAT.”
“What was wrong with the other one?”
“I’ll just sit here in the dark.”
“I’m telling EVERYBODY!”
“I didn’t want my mouth filled with food if you called.”
“It’s better than ham, isn’t it?”
“You call that a breakfast?”
“I came to tell you, on me you shouldn’t count.”
“You mean I can TIVO Kol Nidre?”
As Dave Barry might have said, “The Furry Bagels” would make a great name for a rock band!
OK, now I “officially” miss my sorority sister from NY NY… except she’s a cat person. Hey Phoenix!! Do you read CO?
OMG?!!!!! MOLDY BAGEL!!!!
HOLY MOLDY!!!
And I thought the intarnets were all goy! Good comments my fellow chosen ones. Now I’ll go eat some borsht and maybe follow up with a nice serving of kugel. MMMM….
Oy, the food in this place is just terrible!
And such small portions too.
A+. My fiance couldn’t stop doing that Yiddish shrug* after he read these comments. He usually only gets extra-Jewish when he’s frustrated. Good job, everybody!
*There should be a name for this mannerism. You know, the spread-hands “whaddaya gonna do?” shrug.
Vaudeville on the Internet!
I’ve never heard anybody say “thank you” in Yiddish. (Does that mean anything?)
24 years I’ve been with the tribe – ‘Todah Rabbah’ is as close as I can get. (Thank you in Hebrew).
Toooooooooo funny tonight!
PS “You peed enough!”
Ah. One of the Chosen Puppehs.
lol! Best thread we’ve had for a while.
CO Special Of the Day
Bagel and Tocks.
@Me: Oh my GOD. It is NOT Anti-Semetic. Making fun of an accent is not an attempt at being bigotted! It says nothing about the quality or character of the Jewish people. Jeeezzah. Political Correctness gone wrong AND obnoxious.
Ack, Semitic. What is wrong with my spelling skills today.
Theresa:
Let’s make that the Top
Twelve by adding–
“You call that a lining??”
A note to this “ME” person.
So, my little friend. You are going to tell me, a proud son of the House of Levi, that the form of humor my people have been practicing since Moses was in the basket, is somehow something that is anti-Semitic? So we laugh at ourselves, and the way we talk, and the way we kvetch, we laugh because we LOVE, and we laugh to cover up the pain that the world sometimes forces us to eat like so much kreplach and gefilte fish.
These are my people and we like to laugh at ourselves, and it’s part of the traditions of how we entertain each other. And the Italians used to do it, it was called commedia dell’arte, and the blacks, they did it their way, too, and the Irish, oh, back in the day the Irish loved to poke fun at each other, and we all got together on the vaudeville stages and we went around this country and we laughed and we laughed, because those were tough times, and it was good that people should laugh and not take so seriously.
And to all of my friends, of the tribe or just playing along, the jokes are wonderful. WONDERFUL.
But you’ve all forgotten the most IMPORTANT RULE of the vaudeville stage — the most IMPORTANT RULE that we know from the Yiddish theatre. And that this the FUNNIEST word in the English language, which, when used properly in a joke, will never fail to get a laugh.
That word is “chicken.”
On behalf of my people, the Belachakovski family of Odessa and Kiev and the Duvidz family of Poland, our relatives the Silbermans and Mills of Chicago and Milwaukee, and the Rothschilds, Wulligers, Tanenbaums, Brickers (well, not Bricker, no one likes Bricker) who our our cousins and in-laws, I thank you.
P.S. For the record, my mother’s family is Lutheran (and Mormon and Catholic and Born-Again and Buddhist) and they are all wonderful people with decent senses of humor (but no idea where to get good Chinese food).
(slapping forehead dramatically) How could I forget??? THE ALL-TIME GREATEST JEWISH JOKE PUNCHLINE!!!
“So, what does the Rivington Street Rabbi know about fancy f***ing?”
B-serv – you don’t like Bricker? I thought it was just me.
(in other words – beautiful response. You’ve read “Born to Kvetch?”)
Or, I should have said, y’sher koach.
A shaynem dank, all a ya bums.
@charliewabba: Amen, selah, and a shaynem dank to you, too!
@Berthasbutler: How very erudite and on point. A shaynem dank to you, too, from the Liebs, the Fishers, the Aptakins and the Axels, the Berkowitz’s, the Rudins, the Bravermans, the Baxts, etc., etc., etc.
I’m sorry – I mean B-butler.
You go changing your name I get all confused. It’s like you’re Shawn Puffy Combs Puff Daddy P Diddy Diddy or something.
Bubbeleh, maybe a knish you would like?
LOL’ing, just LOL’ing at this post/comments!!!
Berthaservant! Is that a chicken joke? I’m telling Joanne Worley!
@Berthaservant – not to mention Southerners and folks like Jeff Foxworthy(You must be a redneck if….) We don’t get offended at them; we probably laugh harder (hah-duh) than anybody at them because we know what they’re talkin’ about.
*plotz* from the laffing!
Shoulda gone to the Best of the Best dellys–Ashkenaz Delly on Morse Avenue, Northside Chicago.
I checked…Ashkenaz Delly
is now on Cedar Street in
Chicago–different group,
probably still good. enjoy!
Mine piples, on behalf of the ketzelahs (?) and I,
“Denks a milyon!” What’s to get offended? My late Aunt Frances would call that, “A mishegas from Mishegasland!”
And here’s a little self-deprecating Jewish humor:
Two Polish Jews are sent to Germany to assassinate Hitler. They have been told that at a certain hour, he walks by their area.
The clock strikes twelve, but he doesn’t show.
One p.m. passes, but no Hitler.
Two o’clock, and there’s still no sign of him
The two Jews look at one another anxiously, and one says to his companion:
“Gee, I hope he’s alright!”
Ketzelahs! Yes, let’s hear it for the ketzelahs!
(That means kittehs in Yiddish, y’all)
@ those who called me a “nuffer” or insinuated I’m a troll — I am a human being who likes this website and was offended more so by the comments section of this post than by the actual post, although the post prompted said comments. I am entitled to my opinion and my feelings. I didn’t put anyone down or say anything offensive towards anyone, which is more than I can say for you, so who’s the troublemaker now?
@ “this” berthaservant “person” — I’m glad you aren’t offended, but that’s the nice thing about not judging a group by one person: you don’t get to decide if any or all Jews are offended. I was offended. And even you, “bertahservant person,” aren’t you sick of having to play along with the joke? They aren’t going to like you more, or even accept you as equal, if you go along with it — Jews have been doing that for centuries and it hasn’t worked yet.
Let’s substitute in a watermelon toy and make Black/Southerner jokes and see if it’s as “funny.” I doubt you would think it was then. How about we do Black jokes now, ThreeCat Night, Teresa, et al.
[Let me just dispense with the ambiguity, "Me". You're a troll. In fact, you're the best kind of troll: Banned. - Ed.]
Another Jewish joke punchline…
“a filet minyan”
actually all this joking around makes me yearn for a time when there were kosher delis all over the Bronx and family was a bus or subway ride away, not a flight…sigh
To “ME” (if you’re a regular, what kind of screen name is that?): it’s all in the intent of the humor. I’m Southern. Which means that Southern humor, or jokes made by Southerns about Southerns, is funny if it’s done with affection and not in a derogatory sense. But if someone NOT from the South starts in with the mean-spirited redneck stereotypes, well, we don’t take too kindly to that.
I read nothing but affectionate good humor in the Yiddish and New York Jewish-speak in the posts above. Your watermelon analogy, pardon me, just doesn’t hold water.
Oh, I forgot to add: Bless your heart.
Mel Brooks would never have had a career if “Me” had had his or her way. And I *love* Mel Brooks. Oy!
So Murray was crossing the street and wham gets hit by a car. His friend Abe sees it happen and, in a panic, runs over to where Murray is lying on the road. Abe loosens Murray’s tie, puts his jacket under his head, does whatever he can, then says “Murray! Murray! Are you comfortable?” Murray looks at his friend, shrugs, and says “I make a living.”
Except you gotta say the joke with a Yiddish accent. That’s my ethnic joke of the day.
An elderly man meets another elderly friend on the boardwalk. He walks over to him and says,
“So tell me, Sol. Who died — you or your brother?”
Ba-dum-dum!
Oh, BTW, my Jewish stepmother has this favorite punchline:
“I leaned my name is Irving.”
@ Me: in my whole life i have never known a jew who felt he/she had to ingratiate himself in order to be liked or accepted. true antisemitism is vitriolic and irrational; nothing can fix it, as i am sure we all know.
i live in the south and love humor about rednecks, but black humor is only funny if coming from other blacks. otherwise? it’s that fine line that i think you must be referring to.
sorry you were offended. i was falling on the floor laffingk. chacun a son gout, sister.
I can understand where Me is coming from (don’t throw the pudding yet!), nobody likes to feel picked on or singled out, but I think that here, all was stated in good fun, acceptance, and pleasant humor. I’m French, and I know that Meg and her friends don’t use the French accent to be hurtful, but instead to be funny, and I always like to see people try out the Frawnshe accent, because I know that they just want to share a part of my culture. So take heart, Me, nobody here wants to make you feel bad, we want to enjoy your culture, and the best parts of it, like the wonderful accent and Yiddish words. Oy!
Teho, thanks for the back-up. IIRC, “Me” has trolled/nuffed before.
[I checked. Because I can. - Ed.]
If said person happens to be reading:
I teach an entire unit in my theatre history class about minstrelsy, blackface, and African-American traditions of humor. I’m not at all afraid to say that I’ve laughed a lot of things that people have called “offensive” over the years. I’m happy to talk about why they are or not considered offensive (not with you, because you clearly have no sense of humor), but, as the people of my tradition (show business) used to say, “Funny is funny.”
Love the other jokes everyone is sharing!
Just tell the trolls:
“zolst vaksn vi a tsibele, mitn kop in dr’erd” (you should grow like an onion, with your head in the ground)
as my yiddisha Grandmother
used to say.
My favorite punchline to date: “What, you were maybe expecting lobstahs?”
theo: you rock!
b-serve: i wish i lived close enough to come sit in on your class, sounds fascinating.
This thread is so much fun. I’m as gentile as it gets, but there’s something about Yinglish and the whole Jewish culture that just really appeals to me.
I love you guys. (sniff, sniff)
I have a kitten named Bagel. There’s fur all over her, too!
ashagato, it’s true: Theo does, indeed, ROCK.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that…)
[sigh]
Now if only I had a backup band, I could open for Nine Inch Nails.
(Actually, that would be extremely cool. And unlikely.)
This post/thread makes me wish I knew the Jewish side of my family better. Stupid huge world.
Bagels an’ lols. Now dat’s comedy!
@anyone who may be interested: I have renamed Berthaservant “Berthasbutler” because I felt that the latter was classier. Berthaservant himself, on the other hand, continues to refer to himself as Berthaservant.
The furry bagel – courtesy of http://www.oytoys.com/Jewish-Pet-Toys-s/97.htm
She loves the thing.