The Lonely, Desolate Life of Sniper Kitty

Sniper Kitty mans his solitary outpost. Day fades into day, night into night, until time is meaningless, the horizon becomes the only world he knows, and there is only the vigil to define him; the ceaseless waiting for the enemy that may come at any moment — or not at all.

It's almost ... TOO quiet.

Then he sees it — the foe he has waited an aching eternity to face:  The dreaded pen.  Instinct grips him now, stoked by the fear that burns in the furnace of his soul, the sickening knowledge that only one may succeed, and one must fail.  It is either bat — or be batted.

tha-THUMP, tha-THUMP, tha-THUMP, tha-THUMP ...

His prey draws closer.  Each second hangs forever in the icy winter stillness.  Small sounds echo in his ears now — a faint footstep, a rustling of leaves — speaking to a sense beyond sense, flowing into him, guiding him, telling him when the moment is right …

Enjoy a swatting of LIBERTY, vile oppressor!

And then, without warning, he strikes!  Channeling all his energy into one focused lunge, with devastating force he … he … heeee reeeeally likes tuna, he thinks.  Tuna is delicious.  Very tasty, indeed.  He could go for some tuna right now, in fact.  Because he really, really enjoys tuna.  He likes tuna.  He likes tuna a lot.

And furthermore, I like tuna.

See, this is why cats never won a war, Mark J.

Comments

  1. floppycat says:

    Hilarious post! So true.

  2. hehehehehhehehehhehehehehehe

    awesome.

  3. Anastasia Beaverhausen says:

    *clap clap clap*

    Bravo, NTMTOM, bravissimo.

  4. floppycat says:

    bty, I LOVE the goatie.

  5. Winni-Pig says:

    Poor, poor kitty! Hoisted by his own petard!

  6. meowandwoof says:

    ditto what Anastasia said. By the way, love the W&G reference.

  7. “here kitty, kitty, kitty.. I’m a Tuna!!! I’m a Tuna” I can remeber what show that was from.. but they put a tuna can on this kids head and he ran around saying that.. it turned out to be a ghost kitty…

  8. Its a jack-in-the-bag kitty!

  9. Dogbreath says:

    tee hee hee

    Thanks for the great laugh to start my day.

  10. Dammit, pen, I’ll get you someday!

  11. ThreeCatNight says:

    I seem to remember this scene in “All Quiet on the Western Front”, but without the enticement of tuna.

  12. Fantastic, NTMTOM! Gave me a good chuckle. :)

    Beautiful kitteh, too!

    Pens are evil, indeed.

  13. Thanks Nom Tom…This is just what I needed today…the start of Cornfest (Our counties largest music festival and carnival and I am helping run it AHHH)

    Love the Mr. Clean Disinfecting Wipes on the bed. Maybe someone should send an informational leaflet on BoxHab to this kitteh? I hear they have a new 12 box size program

  14. My favorite (though nowhere near the cutest) post.

    NTMTOM is a genius.

  15. Good one, NTMTOM.

  16. But.. but.. it’s a GIRL cat.

  17. You know you’re pathetic when you can recognize a NTMTOM post halfway thru the first sentence! That would be me!

    Brilliant! Just f-ing brilliant!

  18. Pathetic hooman, you theenk I only have the Bat, Bat in my armoury. Little do you know; I keep a thermo nuclear device as a suppository up my tush. Hang on, is that such a good idea???

  19. While I intellectually know that the tag on that box reads RS Cotton Box, I prefer to think of it now as RS Cat-in Box.

  20. Anastasia Beaverhausen says:

    Thanks, meowandwoof.

    I *heart* Karen.

    Almost as much as I *heart* NTMTOM. (Or, Nom Tom… ha! love that, Jmper!)

  21. so when do we get to see the tuna episode?

    just put some tuna juice on his nose and roll the cameras then post it

    pleez

  22. Juniper Jupiter says:

    LURVE the orange and black inkspots on tha kitteh!

    Get it? Inkspots? Inkpen in the pic? Oh, never mind!

    CUTE KITTEH!!!

  23. carriegood says:

    BRILLIANT. so well written, too.

  24. Is not sniper kitty a girl kitty? Calicos are pretty much always girl kitties, or are otherwise very, very confused.

    She is beautiful *and* deadly!

  25. NTMTOM writes cat the way Simon Tofield draws’em. So funny……

  26. MandaBain says:

    Indeed Juniper…she looks like she’s been nomming that pen a little already. I love her cheek floof muffin-topping over the side of the box! *splthth!*

  27. Yup, that’s clearly a lil’ gal. Very cute, too. Cute, cute and deadly.

  28. @Anastasia: I’m not sure who came up with Nom Tom. It sure wasnt me, my brain melted and ran out my ears sometime last week.

  29. @Juniper Jupiter, A friend of mine was searching her memory for the “Inklings,” the literary group of CS Lewis and Tolkien, and came up instead with “The Inkspots.” ;) Hear friends never let her forget it, and periodically serenade her with choruses of “If I Didn’t Care.”

  30. This was fabulous! NTMTOM you are such a talented writer. You should write a book, about the sniper kitty, it could be the next big CO product.

  31. Nom Tom, that was a great teeny mini short story for Friday morning. I love looking at her face in the last pic and imagine she’s thinking “TUUUUUUUUUUUNAAAA” as she stares wistfully.

  32. (Scene from Fargo 2: Later, at the crime scene.) What ya got here, see, is a classic case’ a luurkenschproing. See, da cat, he waited in da box, all quiet. An’ den da pen came down this way, and it wouldn’t even a’ had a chance, ‘cep for dat canna tuna yer roommate opened in da kitchen over dere.

    Ya got any a dat left, by any chance? I just had a donut for breakfast.

  33. Very funny and well written . My cat likeds to stalk pens too.

  34. Brilliant writing as usual NTMTOM.

    I love how, when kittens play fight, when one finally gets the upper paw, he suddenly pauses, looking somewhere off to the side. You look and there’s really nothing interesting there. You have no idea what’s distracting him.

    I guess cats never grow out of that.

  35. I loves her little elegant ‘stache and goatee. She looks more like a kitty supervillain than a kitty superhero!

  36. Michelle S says:

    lmao@”lurkenschproing”

    I had a marmie that was famous for that. Seemed like he’d wait forever for the perfect victim to happen by his hunting blind (usually a bag or the hem of a drapery).

  37. Esther Sassaman says:

    around here when we see a kitten stalking, we’ll often say… death… beware of pointy death!

  38. Esther Sassaman says:

    also, mike – calico kittehs are almost always girls!

  39. Beautifully done NOMTOM. It could have been such a good luurkensproing, to, but alas, it was n- did I ever tell you about the time…?

  40. Gail (the first one) says:

    Just like my house…it’s ‘Short Attention Span Theatre’ 24/7!!!

  41. love the kitty, love the post, love nontom.

    btw, nom, are you a writer in real life? cause if you’re not, you need to quit your other job and become one, like, now…

    @gail: “short attention span theater” lol!

  42. NTMTOM is a genius.

    Kitty on the other hand, while seemingly smart, is really just a cat the lurves tuna.

  43. Looking forward to the novel, NTMTOM!

  44. I love your stories, Meg. Course, it’s most likely a girl, but no matter.

    (PS, my tortie would make a great sniper, she’s really mean)

  45. oh, sorry, got the wrong author!

    great post NTMTOM

  46. What a perfect way to start a Friday! And what a cute kitteh face–such adorable splotches! I can’t help but wonder what the rest of the kitteh looks like…

  47. Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! The first frame would have been enough, but you kept going!!!!!!
    Rock on!

  48. Because the pen is mightier than the claw…I mean the paw is mightier than the pen..I mean the Claw is mightier than the pen… I mean where is my tuna???? servant.

  49. Sniper Kitty is guarding the quilting going on in the background. Guarding so she can deposit “natural fibers” all over the work in progress.

  50. Fantastic storytelling, very funny! It’s so true, my own kitty genius could rule the world someday if she could ever remember what she was doing.

    Also I was going to point out that this sniper is a girlkitty but I see several people have already done so. Easy rule, NTMOM, any time you see orange and black together it’s almost guaranteed to be a girl. They make the best sniperkitties, too.

  51. HISSSSSSS says:

    Boxhab. Stat.

  52. I spy…a guy…with a crazy pen! *paw paw*

  53. I just don’t want to be the one to clean out kitteh’s pee jars. Snipers have to wait a long time you know…

  54. AuntieMame says:

    I have nothing clever to say about this post. I’m laughing too hard. :-DDD

  55. scooterpants says:

    kitteh just “went to another place” there in the last photo, can tell by the glazed over eye-bulbs.

    bah ha ha! “Short Attention Span Theater”
    so hilarious.
    someone should do something with that idea!

  56. Gail (the first one) says:

    @scooterpants: I’m pretty sure I stole that from somewhere, but I can’t remember to give proper credit….SNL? Second City? Someone will remember…

  57. Just like my house…it’s ‘Short Attention Span Theatre’ 24/7!!!

    YOU WIN this round, my fellow Peep- I laughed and scared Killer Corgi! I am proud to be in the same CO with you.

    I’m still chuckling- tooo true.

  58. Not That Mike The Other Mike says:

    @Gail: “Short Attention Span Theater” was a show on Comedy Central in the early 90’s.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Short_Attention_Span_Theater

  59. warrior rabbit says:

    Short Attention Span Theater lasted surprisingly…long.

  60. Nice NTMTOM!

  61. SillyGirl says:

    BRILLIANT

  62. Hey, this is my kitty Orlo! She made it onto the site, how cool. Her mustachio is divine, oui.

    Orlo’s story: we were living in northern China, and one winter day were out walking when we heard a shivering little mew from under the boardwalk. I climbed under and she ran into my arms. My husband fell in love immediately with her mustachio; at the end of the year we moved from China to Mexico for a few months, then drove home with her and our other cat. Fortunately Orlo is sweet and crazy and resilient so it was no hay problema. She’s a well traveled little nutter. :)

  63. I’m afraid the yolk’s on you, because in reality, this cat is almost definitely FEMALE.

    And cats don’t HAVE to go to war. They’ve already won everything worth winning — best looks, softest fur, most agile, most powerful for their size, most unconditionally loving and loyal, and oh, lest I forget — they are THE ONLY ANIMAL THAT COMES WITH A PURR-BOX. ;)

  64. OMG! THE MOUSTACHE! LOLZ! It hides because it’s ashamed of moustache. Especially if it’s a girl.

  65. Gail (the first one) says:

    @NOM TOM: Thanks, I KNEW someone would remember! I must have seen ads for it while watching MST3K!

  66. berthaservant says:

    You know, they say you ever see the pen that has your name on it.

  67. NTM, the gold medal goes to you. You’ve achieved perfect scores in writing, (I espesh liked the phrase, “icy winter stillness”-hilarious), style and plot. Thrilling.

    Are those pantyhose in the background?

  68. Anasztaizia says:

    That was BRILLIANT

  69. vonvon those are fishnets, yep.

  70. KITTEH!

  71. Nice M*A*S*H reference, Berthaservant!

  72. warrior rabbit says:

    Our love will ever fail?

  73. Oh, NomTom. I love you so much. Another fabulous post.

  74. Jasmine, so happy to hear Orlo was rescued by you and your hubby. She’s totally adorable! The last pic is my fave, with her cheek and head floof hangin’ over the side of the box. She’s all “whatevs mr. pen.”

  75. Thanks sunnymum. :) She’s like a mink, sleek and plush.

  76. Ok, my first thought was “Luurkensproing” — that word alone makes me laugh (because my new kitteh is one). THEN I saw the Tuna thought…. Laughing out Loud!!
    But still, a little sad – my new kitteh DOES NOT LIKE TUNA. Has anyone ever before heard of this phenomenon? Doesn’t like catnip either. Should I be frightened?

  77. either bat…or be batted. haha.

  78. funniest post EVAR

  79. This might *OFFICIALLY* be the funniest post evar. Seriouth.

  80. 1. Bra-VO, NTMOM.

    2. Sniper Kitty is a girl, but torties/calicos are the feisty-est evar, so still perfect.

    3. I love missed luurkensproings. “Belay that luurkensproing, kitteh!”

    4. Neither of my cats likes tuna or other fishy foods.

    5. Knowing that Sniper Kitty is actually a world-traveler makes it that much more perfect.

  81. Lurkertype, you have Orlo’s #. :) She’s very fond of climbing everything, total cat burglar.

  82. Rooane – my cat doesn’t like tuna or catnip. Don’t worry. Some do some don’t.

  83. @rooane:
    My daughter’s cat hates tuna. Once when I was cat sitting she had gotten him tuna flavored dry food. I went to check on him, saw his bowl was full and walked away. He attacked my leg, and ran over to the bowl, ran back and attacked my leg again. I had to go get him catfood with no tuna in it, then he was all nice to me again.

  84. Rooane,

    My Loki doesn’t like the meaty part of tuna or salmon, but he loves the juice.

    And catnip, but only the fresh stuff.

  85. Don’t let the cat out of the bag!

  86. Hmph. *Pouting* cuz hubby won’t let me get a kitty. He thinks it would upset our neurotic doxie. I tried telling him that Charlie LURVES kitties – he thinks they taste just like chicken!

  87. “He” is a calico. In other words, “he” is a girl.

  88. Raemie L. says:

    Hah! That was great, NTMTOM!

  89. I wanna print out this post and keep it with me at all times so I can read it any time I’m feeling down in the dumps. Love it!

  90. I <3 the second pic - you can almost hear the "Jaws" theme going in the background.

    da dit. da dit da dit da dit. da dit da dit daditdaditdadit AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! …Er, wait, what?

    My kitteh kannst nicht lurkensproingen. She just hides, no sproingen. :( (And she doesn’t like catnip, either, but loves tuna juice.)

  91. Awwwwwwww! That is hilarious. I love the huge amount of *mischief* in the eyes there! :)

  92. LOL! Brilliant, NTMTOM!

    Kittehs are teh silleh. And so cute.

  93. elizabeth says:

    By far your BEST post ever……..

  94. scooterpants says:

    Gail1st-
    gee i guess i dont remember 1989-94.
    what WAS I doing?
    I totally missed Short Attention Span Theater.
    But I do remember Mystery Science Theater.
    actually i could play like this with a kitty all day, looks like fun.

  95. i must have that quilt.

    also, i must have that key-key in the fabric box.

  96. this kitty totally belongs on catsthatlooklikehitler.com, don’tcha think?!?

  97. Totalee Puppy says:

    NTMTOM–You are totally cool! \o/ NTMTOM! I really like tuna so much I have a Bumble-Bee tag on my collar…

  98. Totally loled at my desk this moring reading the commentary.
    Love it!

  99. Just thought I’d mention that calicos are almost always girls. In case no one else did.

    8| Yeah. Soon as I saw this I placed bets on when the first such comment appeared. People, what we have here is called “artistic license”.

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