Gentlemen, We Have a Situation

"It has come to my attention that our company is faced with a crisis. Now, I want to be pro-active here, so I’ve called this little pow-wow to make sure we’re all on the same page about this thing.

"Now, men, a crisis is nothing but an opportunity mixed with danger.  In fact, it was the ancient Egyptians who combined the symbols for opportunity and danger because they had never heard it before, the word crisis, I mean, but anyway, if we work as a team, we can seize this bull by the horns (or maybe it was the Chinese), and think outside the box to fast-track a best-in-breed, synergistic solution that will facilitate a sea change throughout our enterprise.

"And remember, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie … in, er, meat pie, and the anagram of meat is team, and … mmm, pie … I’m sorry, what was the question again?"

And furthermore, I like tuna.

I think I used to work for this guy, Kate M.

Comments

  1. I’d love to work for that guy!

  2. Pug boss can boss me anytime!

  3. LOVE the SOtD reference!

  4. Pointy-haired, um, pointy-eared boss?

    Way to recycle some hover text, NTMTOM!

  5. Adorable (pug)py topped with Simon Pegg ref? What could be better?

  6. He reminds me of that pug with the gruff voice in Men in Black. :)

  7. fat lab love says:

    I also enjoyed the Shaun of the Dead Reference.

    [Don’t read any further if you hate corny jokes…]

    Maybe it’s “Simon Pugg”?

  8. We need to leverage our synergistic qualities in order to launch and sustain a rebranding initiative that will synchronize with our long-term business plan.

    NTMTOM — How’s your bandwidth? I need you and Wrinklestein to do the heavy lifting on this: create a plan that will speed our time-to-market. Something with a big wow-factor that will impress the stakeholders.

  9. Well, at the end of the day,problem wise, if we use joined up thinking, we should get all our ducks in a row, run it up the flag pole and see who salutes.

  10. Finally, let’s schedule a meeting to create a committee that will create a plan to reduce the amount of time we spend in meetings creating committees.

  11. @Hon Glad — “Run it up the flagpole…”. I love this one! My last boss used to do the “Throw it at the wall and see what sticks.” This one is much better.

  12. Not That Mike The Other Mike says:

    @Mel2: “Run it up the flagpole” is a golden oldie, popular in the 60’s. This was also the time when executive types started stapling the suffix “-wise” onto everything, as in “Six AM doesn’t work for me, time-wise.”

  13. @HonGlad, re: Mel2

    Also a Harvey Danger reference, non? Or maybe they took it from that phrase.

  14. wagthedogma says:

    I just go here when I need to sound all corporate-y and self-important:

    http://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html

    Synergistically disempowers the heavy lifting! :D

  15. There is something very Mamet-esque about this post.

    Good show NTMTOM!

  16. THIS is Barack Obama’s running mate? Uh-oh…

  17. AuntieMame says:

    Heh! Obviously dogs aren’t too handy with strategizing, either.

    And Mel2, don’t you mean “something with a big bow-wow-factor”?

  18. (the original) Mel says:

    Hee. I just love SoTD. Must watch now. NOM TOM, you make my Friday, even though I have been the victim of marmie lurkensproing today.

  19. I was so enjoying reading that and then I read the hovertext and was just derailed by the excellent reference to the previous cat post.

    NTMTOM, would you mind terribly if I clubbed you and dragged you home to my cave???

  20. @Boy, I have not ever heard of Harvey Danger, so I cant help you. I used to sit in a projection Box, ready to run films tapes etc. This is pre powerpoint and virtually pre computer. I would hear alot of this crap. For my own ammusement I once recorded the number of ums and ers one guy used in a presentation. “You could, um present,er, your, um,er, latest, erm, ah ,findings, in urm, a,ah, positive, erm….”

  21. Gail (the first one) says:

    2 of my personal faves:
    Let’s make sure this proposal is ‘apples-to-apples’ and the client ‘has an appetite’ for this.

    Urp!!

    Cute puppy—unmistakably military material!

  22. Gail (the first one) says:

    @Hon Glad: We did the same thing with a guy who used “basically” like, basically, all the time!!

  23. I actually do confess to throwing things at the wall and seeing if one sticks.
    It reminds me of those rubbery octopus-like creatures that came in cereal boxes. You hucked them against the wall, and they slowly rolled down.

  24. OOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I L O V E buzz-word bingo. I actually did it in a meeting and it was great fun. I didn’t win, but the fun was in paying attention on two levels, it made the meeting tolerable.
    I also took the minutes..fun times, fun times…

  25. You know he’s totally shagging the cute poodle at the reception desk.

  26. I like Shaun of the Dead a lot less now that they show it on Comedy Central almost every day. There’s nothing so good that you can’t get too much of it.

  27. Where do I submit my resume???

  28. warrior rabbit says:

    “There’s nothing so good that you can’t get too much of it.”

    Except CO, of course. Well, maybe when I’m past 34 and out of the CO demo.

    Oh, wait, no, that didn’t work, either.

  29. Love the Shaun of the Dead reference. :P Remember dogs cant look up, Big Al says so.

  30. ThreeCatNight says:

    “And we’re gonna run this penny-ante place my way, see? Nyeah, nyeah. And if any of you mugs get outta line, youse’ll all get fired, see? Nyeah, nyeah.
    I’m the only one who’s gonna take three-hour lunch breaks, and don’t you forget it!”

    (OMG! It’s Edward G. Robinpug!)

  31. biscuithead says:

    How’s that for a bit of fried gold?

    /sotd

  32. What acutie! Wish I could bring my dogs to work with me!!!

  33. Mary (the first) says:

    OMG you guys, esp. Mel2, all these b.s. words are too moishe!! My new boss talks exactly like this. Lots of big words.. which I do know the meaning of individually.. but when he’s done it’s a loooong sentence that means nothing!
    and @wagthedogma, I’m going to send that link to all my coworkers. Maybe we can retaliate!
    And @Katrina, what is “buzz word bingo”? sounds like something I need to keep awake during our staff meetings!

  34. Gail (the first one) says:

    @Night of 3 cats: LOL!!! Nyeah! You rock, see?

  35. Not That Mike The Other Mike says:

    @ThreeCatNight: Beeeg :D:D:D for your Eddie G. reference. “Key Largo” was just on TV the other day, too. Damn, he was good.

  36. berthaservant says:

    WooT! Three cheers for Harvey Danger! (although I don’t think this is a reference to HD).

    I think this pug could play the Paul Newman part in the remake of “Hudsucker Proxy.” (or, should I say, “Pugsucker Proxy.)

  37. Can’t get too much of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, in my opinion. Don’t dream it, be it.

  38. Boomer's Babysitter says:

    LOVE the BS generator! I should remember this for my Toastmasters club… oh wait, that’s sort of counterproductive. Oh well.

  39. “synergistically incubate sticky methods of empowerment” LOL, that’s great! Thanks wag, that’ll be a good laugh when I need it.

  40. wagthedogma says:

    You’re welcome. Streamlining your performance-based strategic theme areas has been my pleasure! :)

  41. former cubicle rat says:

    I tell people I read cuteoverload for the articles.

    What? It’s TRUE!

  42. Not That Mike The Other Mike says:

    Oh, and by the way: GET … ME … REX … KRAMER!

    http://www.fast-rewind.com/airplane4.jpg

  43. He’s Large and in Charge! This Puggles will swoop in and save the day like the Office super hero he is!

  44. @NTMTOM: “How about Never? Does Never work for you?”

  45. Hey, Mike, “Now, Men…” Don’t you know women are involved in the management of most companies???? Even at CO….!!!

  46. What I imagine the pugster saying is, “I’m not mad at you. I’m just so… disappointed. =sigh= “

  47. saucy bernaise says:

    “We need to authoritatively myocardinate market-driven catalysts for change. SOMEbody get me the Poodle on line 1, stat!”

    I lurve, lurve, lurve the Chairman of the Pug!! The random corporate B.S. generator is pretty cool, too!

  48. “And furthermore, I like tuna”. LMAO. When I start working at my firm, I am tewtally concluding any client presentations I have with that statement.

  49. AuntieMame says:

    Except, Mary, women managers don’t spout corporate doublespeak. They’re trading cookie recipes. :)

  50. I had a boss that, I swear to God, in the middle of an all-hands meeting, said “We’re just going to have to pull something out of our asses and hope it doesn’t stink too much.” The accompanying hand gestures were what REALLY put it over the top. Three days later, I turned in my resignation. I gots standards, y’know.

  51. @ theresa: that’s my fave cartoon evah!!!

    and i’m pretty sure that’s the funniest hovertext evah :D

  52. Gail (the first one) says:

    @Lisa: LOL!! My ex-boss had a ragefest that included the phrase “we’re gonna look like we’ve been caught ‘f%*!$&# the dog’.” Normally in my world, somebody speaking plain English is a relief as it is bastion of bs-talk, but this was really beyond the pale, so to speak.

  53. OMG! Is Gail your REAL name?? Are you sure we didn’t have the same boss? Short, bald, spindly legs, frequently came back from lunch reeking of bourbon?

  54. Totalee Puppy says:

    I think cute pug’s picture belongs in
    Find-A-Pet: Adopt a
    Military Dog.

  55. Michelle S says:

    Srsly NTMTOM, how many proposals do you get a day? Does anyone of us even have a chance? <3

  56. Gail (the first one) says:

    @Lisa: Heehee, that sounds like another boss I had—a real screamer (complete with veins popping out) but not *quite* so colorful language-wise!!

  57. Totalee Puppy says:

    I think of this occasion with respect and reverence for all it
    stands for, but I gotta say it anyway…
    THIS COOL PUG IS INVITED TO MY BARK
    MITZVAH!
    We’ll ask the caterers to serve tuna in little croissants on the fish platters at the morning reception.

  58. “I think this pug could play the Paul Newman part in the remake of “Hudsucker Proxy.” (or, should I say, “Pugsucker Proxy.)” -Berthaservant

    Or maybe, “Hudsucker Pugsy”!

  59. ROFL!!!

  60. Totalee Puppy says:

    LURKER–“What happens at the reception desk….”

  61. From what I know, the Chinese created their symbol for “Conflict” from the pairing the symbols of “opportunity” and “danger.”

  62. Not That Mike The Other Mike says:

    @JRaye: I had always heard it was “crisis” and not “conflict,” but even this might not be true (see link). Luckily for me, my characters don’t have to be well-informed; in fact, I think they’re even funnier when they aren’t. ;-)

    http://www.straightdope.com/columns/001103.html

  63. Oh, oh, oh, nobody took the chance to explain “Buzz Word Bingo”- allow me: and feel free to add/subtract, scoff at my interpretation:

    A “Buzz Word” is one of the words or short phrases that are said either: 1) too often it makes one vomit or 2) are meaningless outside a Tiiahhny circle of jargon-speakers, preferrably both. Buzz words, while often “Actual English Words” are non communicative- as one of our peeps said that her boss says things she cannot fathom. (Lousy Boss by the way, IMHO).

    So, knowing that a meeting is coming up you and a coworker-who-can-also-keep- a-straight-face-under-the- sublime-pressure-of- winning, make a grid of those words that the boss is likely to say during the meeting. If, like me, you have to take minutes of the meeting you have a third and almost awe-inspiring task of listening on three levels, which,to my mind, gives my brain enough to do that the meeting can be enjoyable. The Grid: a (small) piece of paper with the aforementioned uncommunicative/reverse peristalsis-inducing words written in columns and rows, and you can make it as difficult or as easy as you wish. I always set mine of the difficult side. Some people even noted the time the word was said- I never got that obsessive. The person with whom you are playing has many of the same words, only in a different order in the columns and rows. My partner and I would write down a grid (looking like a BINGO chart with words/phrases) and then trade.

    As your Boss drones on, every time he or she uses a “Buzz Word/Phrase”, you would quietly check it off or circle it (whichever one could reasonably get away with doing at the meeting table). The winner can be the person who has all of the words listed and checked off, or a person with the most. (Am I going to get anyone fired from playing this? I hope not.) For our foreign peeps, this is a very disrespectful way to treat your Boss. Anyway, this can be done at home with the News, or a cooking show or any presentation that will offer the chances and circumstances in the game. Would anyone like to add a level or two of difficulty?

    NOMTOM- your buzz words are delightful, and I salute your flagpole. Take that any way you prefer.

  64. Totalee Puppy says:

    KATRINA…Your words are delightful…This is no buzz…

  65. Thanks Totalee Puppy, again you are a gracious reader.(And probably the only person who read all the way through!) K.

  66. Totalee Puppy says:

    KATRINA…Thanks for the compliment. I’ve been dealing with some grief lately because we’ve had a death in the family. Nothing’s been quite the same, but your encouragement will help a lot to get back to my former self. Cute Overload
    is comforting, like a nap with a favorite blanket.

  67. Totalee Puppy- I’m so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about CO.
    Take it one day at a time and one minute at a time when necessary. If there are others who rely on you, let them know that your collective grief is real and that it will take time to work through it. Be kind, or try to be, to yourself and others.

    CO is a wonderful way to remember that there are still wonderful and funny things and people in the world.

    An elevator in one job site that I was on read “In case of fire use stairs”
    and someone scribbled over the word stairs and wrote “use water”. In other words, be a creative thinker, and you will create a new ‘normal’ for yourself and others. Best wishes, Katrina

  68. my puppeh has a ball exactly like that but in red, she loves it so much that she tore it to pieces and we had to buy her a new one, which we bring out on special occasions only :P

  69. Totalee Puppy says:

    KATRINA–Thank you for words that heal.

  70. My pleasure, peep.

  71. Katrina: I read all the way through. I’d love to play the game but I am not in a job where I could practice it.
    I love reverse peristalsis, I must figure a way of using it, so that it appears to be a compliment.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 14,651 other followers